My Heart Speaks...

Guest Post by David Haas

2012-02-03T08:27:00.004-05:00

Good morning! I have something special to share with you all for the weekend; A GUEST POST by David Haas, a writer for the Mesothelioma Cancer Alliance. As most of you know, I am a Thyroid Cancer survivor, two different types of Cancer, yes, but Cancer nonetheless, so when Mr. Haas contacted me about his work, I wanted to make every effort to get his contribution recognized.

Thank you David Haas for sharing your work here at "My Heart Speaks..."

"Whether you were just diagnosed, are undergoing treatment, or are in remission of cancer- physical fitness is one of the best things that you can do for your health. Research has proven that a consistent exercise routine has many benefits.

Exercise is beneficial for your overall health and quality of life. It improves your circulation, the health of your bones, and increases your appetite. It also greatly improves the health of your muscles by rebuilding lost muscle mass. Research has found that exercise can also decrease nausea and pain, and that cardiovascular activity can boost your immune system. Another benefit of regular exercise is that it reduces fatigue and creates an energy balance in your body. Suggestive, but by no means definitive studies show exercising may make you have a less likely chance of relapsing and dying from cancer."

David Haas

smooches,
Larie

...of Today Started Like This...

2012-01-23T17:33:00.005-05:00

…Anton wakes “Evelyn” up to prepare for school; she’s already dressed, but still in bed.

First thought that came to my head, “She must’ve gotten up sometime during the night to put her clothes on so she could be able to sleep in this morning.” Anton, daddy-shrugging his shoulders, attempts to lift her from the bed but I mischievously said, “NO, WAIT!” and shuffled out of the room to retrieve the camera, for surely I knew it would make another great post in our “Anton’s Kids” file. Now what right did I have to believe that “Evelyn’s” creative time management exercise was going to be the, “ONE?”

“Evelyn” enjoyed an overnight retreat at her friends’ grandmother’s home. Her friend moved early last month and since then, the two have kept in touch with telephone conversations full of 8-year-olds’ giggly-giggles. It really was cute to see them lay their eyes on one another after, (in their thinking), such a LOOOOOOOOG time. I knew they’d have a great time. Later in the evening “Evelyn” called and asked, “Mommy, can ‘Katie’ take my hair down to play with it?” Granted permission she thanked me and said, “I love you” and hung up.

Sunday afternoon, shortly after worship service, we went to get “Evelyn.” She was sad of course to have to leave as that had been made apparent by her slow steps towards the car, head hung just low enough to be able to occasionally glance up to see if anyone sees her pity, and a lip poked so far out that I thought she’d trip over it! Her bun-type hairdo looked pretty tight; I was impressed! Anton asked her if she enjoyed herself and she unenthusiastically said she did. Other than that “Evelyn” mentally remained at her pity party and took the ride home in silence.

Once inside our “boring” house, with our “boring” televisions, “boring” radio, “boring” Wii, “boring” overflowing cupboards -which by the way NEVER has any good snacks,- and all the other “boring” luxuries that we are not afforded, our daughter begins to complain a little about having to resume her punishment… (Oh yeah, that little sleepover thing almost didn’t happen because of “Evelyn” using her words to construct a non-truth. Anton decided that she wouldn’t spend the night, but me, (feeling all sorry for the girl), with my head hung just low enough to be able to occasionally glance up to see if Anton was paying any attention to me & my pity, and lip so pouty, (this sounds familiar tee-hee), that I could have kissed him from the backseat, said, “Awww, baby, she ain’t seen her in so long. You know they moved while you were gone right? Can she get a reset punishment like “Cameron” did the other night?” With a forced straight face, Anton said that this situation is not one for reset punishment since no one came to OUR house. Quickly I retorted, “But she did come from Raleigh looking forward to see “Evelyn.” I just knew I’d “won” then because the softened facial muscles had formed a smile and Anton asked, “So you want her to spend the night wit’ her lil friend?” I said that I did but also wanted her to learn her lesson about lying and not think she can get over on us but again, I didn’t want to under mind him. We decided to let her go and resume her punishment when she returned), and needed a reminder.

Back to this morning, I first assumed that “Evelyn’s” hair was so matted from being played with and knowing her, she slept with it out as well, so I combed through a little more and mentioned to “Evelyn” that she needed to wash her hair this evening. She acknowledged with a simple, but quick, “Yes ma’am.” She requested that I put it back the way “Katie” had done it and I told her that I didn’t know how to do buns but I could put it in one ponytail and make it look like a bun. She agreed.

A bit more combing through and her hair just wasn’t budging. Out of somewhere, I asked, “Evelyn, did you cut your hair?” Seemingly offended she said, “No!” I have no clue why I let it go and continued to think that this was the worst case of matted hair ever, but I did. When I brushed the hair in an upward position, I noticed that it wasn’t coming together as it usually does and simply said to myself that it would just have to be a loose ponytail for today; she’ll wash & condition it this evening. Then again, out of somewhere I asked, “Wait, did ‘Katie’ cut your hair?” Almost inaudibly she said, “Yes.”

I BURNED! “You lied to me kind-of! I asked you if you’d cut your hair and you didn’t but you knew it had been cut and you just didn’t say anything? You knew what I was saying, I KNOW YOU DID! Finish getting the rest of your stuff for school.” Like I said, this is an, “If I were an alcoholic, I would have been taking a drink then, moment.”

I’m waiting for Anton to get home before I dig any further into this story with our daughter since he usually keeps me from “hitting the bottle…” LOL

smooches,

...of Ain't No Such Thing as a Beautiful Nightmare...or Is It?

2011-12-12T06:45:00.002-05:00

What do you do when nightmares repeat themselves? What do you do when nightmares evoke feelings in the nightmare as well as when you’re awake? I dream a lot and I can usually remember something about them. I may not be able to recall all the details, but I don’t totally forget. However, when I have nightmares, it seems that my mind holds on to every inch of it; especially if I dream it twice. What I don’t pay attention to are the emotions that inflict me in the dream as well as when I’m “awake.” They say that the brain is most active when we are asleep; could it be possible that’s why we sometimes feel our dreams? I mean, maybe it’s possible that because most of us do not know how to utilize all of our mind’s capability, sleep is the only time we are truly aware.

Yes, I had another nightmare last night. It was a different scene but the theme was very familiar; actually it was the same. Just like always, my alarm clock sounded right when things seem to start coming together. Angrily I slam the snooze button, hoping to get back into the scenario so that I can get to the bottom of it. Wait, that’s it, maybe it’s the surface I need to be at. Anyway, my mind doesn’t take me back to that place before the alarm starts nudging me to wake up again so I hit the snooze button again and sometimes I turn the alarm off altogether and risk oversleeping just to be able to get back to the nightmare so I can figure it out; it hasn’t worked yet. I’ve decided that this just means, “You’re very close,” so the rest is up to the conscious me to ignore what I can see and allow me, who I really am, to be present and then I’ll know.

smooches,

...of What We're Rising To

2011-11-14T06:47:00.004-05:00

GOOD MORNING!

There's a lot happening with the growth of our dynasty.

5 Loaves and 2 Fish, (home-based dessert catering business), is now open and we will be showcasing some of our tasty treats at the Holiday Bazaar on 03 December 2011!

The second installment of the "My Heart Speaks..." series is approaching it's completion. My goal is to have it to the editor, Mocha Writer, by 30 November 2011.

Networking with other self-owned business operators is going great as well. I must say that I enjoy the face-to-face connection better, which I've been blessed to experience, but it's all about finding and giving support; for that I am very satisfied.

New health adventures have come up, but have not put me down. I'm actually looking forward to the testimony to share.

What's happening with you?

smooches,

...of "S.H.E. Spits"

2011-10-27T08:29:00.005-04:00

Tickled with a little bit of “Phenomenal Woman” by Dr. Maya Angelou then embraced with some of Nztozake Shange’s, “For Colored Girls,” comes an outstandingly written & directed poetry/monologue piece from J’Zhanel “JZ” Cole titled, “S.H.E. Spits.” Co-produced with Anneka LaRobin, this performance poetry presentation, (I dare you to say that 7 times fast! Lol), is comprised of an all-female cast, all representing a different color. Each Queen is musically escorted onto the stage, which heightens the audience’s anticipation.

Mother Nature, played by Courtney Nicole, poses rhetorical questions & statements before each Queen spits her account as what’s to come.

Pacey Liz Walker portrays Queen Purple; royalty. She presents herself in just that way when she reminds males of her name, “Queen S.H.E.” not ma or shawty. She says, “I am more than just what you see.”

Queen Pink; feisty like, BAM!-This-Is-Me, is J’Zhanel “JZ Cole’s soul-bearing personality. She educates us on what poetry does for her and many others. Skillfully Queen Pink compares her spoken words & the microphone to a Graffiti Artist with a can of paint while encouraging her receivers, “…staying true to what whatever it is you do…” You have to love this Queen for practicing what “S.H.E. Spits.”

Vulnerability comes to mind when I think of Queen Yellow. LaToya Morgan breathed this illuminating Queen with a plea to her M.I.A. father about the occasions he missed out on and the near catastrophic events that took place in her life as a result of his absence. Queen Yellow wonders if he’s concerned about, “…who I was. Who I am. Who I become.”

Green often represents envy; however, Anneka LaRobin sheds a new perspective on this color as Queen Green. She gives her own insight of being from L.A. & expresses her admiration for her hometown in spite of the negative stereotypical comments we hear.
Queen Purple comes back and royally blesses our Kings with an inspirational mouthful that does nothing but edify our brothers, our Kings.

Then, we are taken aback yet compassionate because of Queen Red’s, embodied by Valaira Sa-Ra Smith, brazen admissions about the men in her life. This Queen pricks the feminine spectators by pointing out, “…keep it real, for the right price, you’d be a hoe…” and with that, one will either hug her or slap her. Personally, I felt like doing both! tee-hee

“S.H.E. Spits,” again, written & directed by J’Zhanel “JZ” Cole and co-produced with Anneka LaRobin, is an emotion-stirring, self-reflective enactment that I anticipate & will be experiencing again. I identified with every Queen; address me respectfully-Queen Purple; poetry is a life sustenance for me-Queen Pink; why did my biological father sign over his parental rights-Queen Yellow; I may be from “the other side of the tracks,” but it’s my home-Queen Pink, and finally, I’ve been the other woman and I’ve dealt with the other woman-Queen Red.

Now, as a reminder for you to keep up with this production and making it a bucket list candidate to attend, I am giving away one autographed cast sheet, (see photo below), to a randomly selected commenter. You have until Monday, 31 October 2011, 5P.M. eastern time to enter!

smooches,

...of Awareness Bracelet

2011-10-11T21:40:00.006-04:00

Instead of another giveaway, I want to do an honor-away, (using my poetic license). I just finished listening to a Blog Talk show about Medical Myths. A fellow listener shared a personal story about how her sister being denied treatment for Breast Cancer because she had no insurance! Here's the "gist" of the story below. Keep in mind that this conversation took place in the online chat area for the live broadcast so it's a bit choppy:

Sister of Breast Cancer Victim: "My sister died from breast cancer because she had no insurance Doctors refused to treat her"

Me: "how long ago was this"

Sister of Breast Cancer Victim: "More than 10 years it was before they started fighting for them to stop letting women go untreated they essentially put her on a plane home I will never forget how she has a hole in her chest the size of a football because they would not treat"

Me: "Man, I did not realize how serious it got"

Sister of Breast Cancer Victim: "It has made me huge advocate for health insurance and getting treatment for those I know going through. It has made me do a lot of research on everything from homeopathic to relaxation therapy. The body has no place for stress that is why it turns into diseases. It is important to be stress free..."

Me: "So are you an advocate for Breast Cancer Awareness as well?"

Sister of Breast Cancer Victim: "Most def..."

My feelings were really touched by this story and her testimony about her own conquering scuffle with Cancer. This woman has been both directly & indirectly affected by Cancer and I want her to know that I appreciate her for sharing in the chat room and allowing me to share here. So, to show my appreciation I would like Celeste to have the Breast Cancer Awareness bracelet from Bohemien Spirit, an online Jewelry and Accessories Boutique.

A portion of the proceeds from each bracelet goes to the Renewing Your Spirit Foundation.

Now, of course you know that I have a couple of pieces myself, the Silver Trinity Earrings, & the Simplify Tag Line Bracelet. The earrings are light-weight, a plus for me since my ears are kinda long & pointy, they don't tug at my earlobes and causing them to look even longer, LOL! As for the bracelet, the beads are very smooth against my skin and the tag "stays in its' place!" Bohemian Spirit will definitely be getting more of my business!

smooches,

...of Breast Cancer Bling

2011-10-05T06:16:00.006-04:00

Thank you all who read and/or participated in the "Smell Good for the CAUSE" giveaway! This week, I'd like to offer another giveaway in honor of Breast Cancer Awareness month. Many people have been affected directly or indirectly by Breast Cancer and most of the time he/she just wants to know that they have not been forgotten. If you'd like to read about a personal journey, visit "Black Pearl Creations."

"Without BLING, it's boring!" says Kisha, owner of "Bling by KishaNicole." I've had the pleasure of being blinged by KishaNicole with a custom shirt for my upcoming workshop titled, "My Mess is Your MESSage!" and I love it!

The shirt is a comfortable snug-fit and of great quality. During the ordering process, KishaNicole quickly responded & delivered; she even sent me a proof of the shirt via e-mail! I will definitely be getting blinged again!

One of KishaNicole's line, "Breast Cancer Bling" is raising awareness about Breast Cancer and supporting the Susan G. Komen foundation by donating 20% of Breast Cancer proceeds! So, "My Heart Speaks..." is offering one of you this cute Breast Cancer Bling Jersey!

To enter, you may tell us:

1. How Breast Cancer awareness causes have directly or indirectly impacted you.
or
2. How you help to raise Breast Cancer Awareness and how that awareness has benefited someone.

The giveaway will run through Friday, 07 October 2011 and a winner will be announced on Monday, 10 October 2011! Go ahead and get-your-BLING-on!

smooches,

...of AND THE WINNER IS...

2011-10-03T09:38:00.005-04:00

... Mr. Rufus Gibson!

Rufus is a Zumba instructor in New York and hosting a "Party in Pink" Zumbathon for Breast Cancer on Saturday, October 8, 2011 from 12 to 1:30 at the Yonkers YMCA. Raffles, gift baskets, and 5 Zumba instructors are just a few of the activites at the party. If you can't make it to the party, you may send a donation to:

17 Riverdale Ave
Yonkers NY 10701.

(If you send a check, please make it out to the Susan B. Komen foundation)

Thank you to all who read and commented on the post, "Smell Good for the CAUSE," which is an ongoing support system for Cancer at Smell Goods '98™!

smooches,

...of Smell Good for the CAUSE!

2011-09-28T06:29:00.002-04:00

“live good. feel good. smell good™.”

This is Smell Goods’ 98™, (a family owned & operated retailer of all-natural bath & body products), sacred word! Specializing in signature oil blends, hand-dipped incense, & effective made-to-order, bath & body products, Smell Goods ‘98™ delivers natural satisfaction to your body!

After some difficulty of not locating a specific peddler for preferred oils and/or incense, the Smell Goods Lady & her husband decided to create delicious products for the body by blending together raw ingredients, such as cocoa, Shea, & almond, saturated with natural, essential, & fragrant oils then finished off with an infusion of herbs; surely, a gourmet experience for our bodies! Established since 1998 and currently succeeding, Smell Goods ‘98™ should be audaciously looking ahead to another decade!

Right now my underarms are lightly brushed with the Essentials Deodorant, (Basil, Sage, Mint flavor), that aromatically hypnotizes me all-day-long, (Yesssssss, I sniff my pits okaaaaaayyyyahh, LOL!). However, tonight my lullaby will be the fragrance of Peace, also an Essential Deodorant! I like Smell Goods ‘98™ deodorant because as a result of my thyroid matters, there are times when I become very sweaty, (and I mean to the point of heavily dampening my clothes), and I end up having to shower & change clothes. Well, I noticed that since using the Essentials Deodorant, not only do my armpits not sweat as bad, but it also stays with me! By that I mean its’ aroma stood persuasively sensing even when I did begin to sweat, whereas with prior deodorants and/or antiperspirants it smelled as if I had used nothing at all!

I’m also presently enjoying the Calm-scented Specialty Bar. Its’ fragrance is relaxing and when paired with the Peace-scented Essentials Deodorant, WOW, one doesn’t outshine the other; they harmoniously cooperate! Smell Goods ‘98™ also offers fine fragrance oils, some of which I’ve tried, (Green Tea Medley/Wild Berry Medley, Milk & Honey, Coconutty, & Sheba), that aren’t oily or scented too strongly. My nose appreciates being bombarded by the tasty aromas which do not make my nose itch or cause me to sneeze!

Now, my boasting isn’t just about how much I enjoy using Smell Goods ‘98™ bath & body products, but also about the awesome cause they are supporting. They have partnered with Solutions Cancer Resource Center Inc., (a support service for the daily needs of children with Cancer, children who have lost a parent to Cancer, and for the caregivers of Cancer Patients), by monetarily supporting the SCRC Inc. in an effort for the assistance of those with terminal illnesses to continue!

Their current project is cleverly named, “Smell Good for the CAUSE!” A blend of saponified coconut oil & raw cocoa butter is molded in a luxurious pink bath bar which sports a ribbon! Proceeds from every purchase go to the SCRC, Inc.! So, as an advocate for Smell Goods ‘98™ and Cancer support resources, I am giving away 2, (two) of the Smell Good for the CAUSE bars to one person; one to keep and one to share! To be considered for this giveaway, you should leave a comment below about how Breast Cancer has affected you physically, or personally by way of a loved one. You have the remainder of the week to enter as I will select a winner over the weekend and make the announcement on Monday, 03 October 2011.

You can visit the Solutions Cancer Resource Center Inc. here and/or at their blog for more ways to help, receive encouragement or give encouragement! You can also visit Smell Goods ‘98™ website and/or blog to keep up with other great offers and of course to get your “Smell Good on!”

smooches,

...What Could I Possibly Title This One?

2011-09-27T07:23:00.005-04:00

Each evening before bed, I advise my school-aged children to pack their book bags, get a jacket, and place it all by the front door. This way, in the morning, all that should happen is, get dressed, eat, and pack lunches. It should go this way...

This morning, as usual, I flipped the switch to turn the bedroom light on, pulled the covers from "Cameron," slid my hand over the top bunk and gently patted "Evelyn." Both barely stirred, so I tapped "Evelyn" a little harder and physically lifted "Cameron" from the bed and led him to the living room to get his clothes that had been laid out the evening prior, (another tactic to eliminate chaos in the morning), instead he stretched across the couch! "Evelyn" finally got up, got her clothes and went into the bathroom. As I scrambled eggs, placed bread in toaster oven, & filled two cups with orange juice, I encouraged "Cameron" to get up; he didn't move!

"Evelyn" completed her bathroom duties and made it to the kitchen table just as I was plating. Again, speaking to "Cameron," "Get up man & come eat so you can get dressed." He got up, but he starts to get dressed! I thought, "Ok, suit yourself and chew on cold eggs, (gross)!" When "Evelyn" finished, I began combing her hair then "Cameron" finally made it to the table. He finished, put his lunchbox in his backpack, went to get his jacket, (that should have been already at the front door from last night!), and tied his shoes. I asked him to retrieve "Evelyn's" shoes from the bedroom while I finished up her hair. Just as I put the last barrette on, I heard the school bus!

"The Bus!" I exclaimed, "Go 'Cameron'!" I told "Evelyn" that she'd just have to put her shoes on on the bus. That's when she bee-lined for the kitchen and snatched her folder from the counter that should have already been placed in her backpack last night! She shot me a look like, "I know, I know! I didn't do what I should have!" As my son darted out the door he grabbed his sister's jacket & book bag saying, "I got your stuff!"

I'm so glad that their bus stop is just at the end of our driveway! They both giggled as they ran to the bus. All I could do was wave at the bus driver and shake my head. But how about a five minutes later I noticed a white sneaker in the middle of the living room floor...it belongs to "Evelyn!" In her haste, she'd forgotten to grab both shoes! Can you believe that I burst into tear-jerking laughter?

Sadly, I do not know the bus' route so I have to wait a while and just meet up with them at the school! So, that's why I have the time to type this before I wake "Janelle" and head to the elementary school. I tell ya', I believe this one is truly "One for the books!"

Update as of 0851: Just returned from the school to deliver ONE shoe. The secretary wanted to know how she got out of the house with only one shoe and she laughed as she said, "I should take you to the back!" She called down to the 3rd grade classroom and asked the teacher if she had a student in there with only one shoe on, and right when she said that, the classroom assistant, (coming from around the corner), said, "Yes we do!" She had a pair of pink flip-flops in her hand and explained through her laughter that she'd just called me and got no answer so headed to the office to find some shoes for "Evelyn" to wear!

Then, to top it off, a parent of one of "Cameron's" classmates saw me in the parking lot and said to "Janelle," "Oh, you have Dora on your shoes & you must have put them on yourself because they're on the wrong feet." I stopped mid-stride, belted out in an "Aaaaaahhhhhhh! I don't believe this" type of laughter and told the lady that I was actually the one who put the shoes on and told her why I was at the school. She too found it funny and commented that shoes must not be in my "plan" for the day! However, she topped my story by sharing with me that her daughter is late to school today because their dogs got out this morning as she was getting dressed and she chased them around the neighborhood with no bra or shoes on!

Hilariously, I hand over the award for "Most Funniest & Entertaining Morning" from the "Mothers of Elementary Children" category! LOL

smooches,

...of She May Be Following in My Footsteps

2011-09-19T10:21:00.005-04:00

Saturday, I had the awesome opportunity of attending the "Books in the Park" hosted by Barnes & Noble in Norfolk, Va. This annual event showcases local authors to the community. Some authors such as, Trayc Simmons, "Gisele's Gallery" & "Gisele's Chance," Gene Thornton, "WRETCHED, PITIFUL, POOR, BLIND, & NAKED," Veronica Wiggins, "Who Said Common Sense Was Common?" and David Toma Pitt, "Big Girl Don't Play," who I've had the pleasure of working with at previous signings, were also in attendance. Kids were able to get their faces painted, dance with Mario from the Mario Brothers, and scavage through a Pirate's treasure chest for adventerous coloring pages!

"Evelyn" earned the privelage of browsing around on her own for some time. As a result she came over to the table I sat at and excitedly claimed to have something to show me! After leading me to the table that had been strategically set up with balloons, luring colors, and best of all, C-A-N-D-Y, "Evelyn" pointed to a book titled, "If You Love Me So Much..." written by Danielle Leibovici & illustrated by Julia Gabrielov and said, "Mommy, I really like this book!" I knew that meant, Can-I-have-it-please? Of course I said yes!

As I paid, "Evelyn" pointed Julia out, telling me that she's the illustrator and that Danielle, the author, could not make it to the signing. Impressed, I asked, "Wow, you've done your research haven't you?" Proud of herself, "Evelyn" did that little shy girl smile while she rocked a little and said, "Yes." The others at the table informed me that she had indeed fully researched the inside details of the book after reading it in it's entirety! She asked questions such as, "Who is the author? Is this the first book? Who illustrated? How long has it been out?"

I have no idea where this 8th-yeared-old literary genius gets it from! ;)

...of Stranger to Stranger

2011-09-13T06:58:00.000-04:00

If I don’t know,
Then how is someone else supposed to know?

I can’t explain it,
Then how will another?

If I can’t give reason,
Then why would any other try?

I fear my feelings,
Why don’t you?

Sometimes I feel like more of a stranger to myself than a stranger is to me.

Simply,

...of Labor Celebration 2011 Part II

2011-09-07T07:20:00.009-04:00

Sous Chefs of the day...they washed their hands...WITH SOAP...I promise! tee-hee

I'm sure that I'm rolling out pie crust here, but I'm not sure what that look on "Janelle's" face is about!

Crimping the edges to make it pretty!

Mmmmmm; Coconut Pie!

Viola! Pecan Pie!

smooches,

...of Labor Day Celebration 2011

2011-09-05T10:20:00.006-04:00

Friday evening, I began preparing for our Labor Day cookout on Saturday, which also happened to be my dad's birthday! Chocolate Chip Cookie dough, Coconut & Pecan Pies, Potato Salad, & Minty Melon & Berry Salad were all completed Friday night. Excitement had the best of me and I wanted to continue cooking but I also knew that it would have been more productive for me to go to sleep and continue in the morning.

So, Saturday morning I made Carrot Cupcakes w/Cream Cheese Frosting, Green Beans, Corn on the Cob & Jalapeno Cornbread! As for meats, my family enjoyed, Fried Fish, Hot Dogs, Chicken Legs & Thighs w/ BBQ Sauce, and Ribs! A variety of drinks were also available, (Food Lion offered five 2-Liter Drinks for $5...I purchased ten!), although I'd already gotten drinks a few days ago, but oh well, as much as I like to entertain they will not sit too long!

I purposed to make Sweet Tea as well, but it was after I boiled the water when I realized that tea bags were M.I.A.! Ha-ha, I forgot to get some more! My cousin from Durham, who just had to bring something although I told her that I just wanted her to come and enjoy like everyone else, but insisted that she wouldn't feel right unless she could bring something, (which she claims every time she comes), satisfied our sweet taste buds with Banana Pudding! Yum! Thanks cuz!

My family's visit just tickled me to know end! I love our family gatherings and look forward to each and every one. Sometimes I do not get to attend all family functions, but I'm thankful that we get together so much that it makes up for the "last" one I missed. These times with family are important & much needed! We also sang Happy Birthday to my dad. I put a star-shaped candle in one of the cupcakes for him and "you" should have seen him; soaking all the attention up! He loved it!

I love my McNair Kinfolks!

Not pictured, (since by the time I realized that I wanted to photograph the food to share a few items had already been depleted),
Banana Pudding, Chocolate Chip Cookies, Fish, Minty Melon Berry Salad, & Hot Dog

smooches,

Me + 2= 3 Theories

2011-08-31T19:47:00.004-04:00

I wake up only to long for sleep. “Why do I even wake up?” I wondered.

One said, “It’s not going to get better…look how long it’s been.”

Then another asked, “Aren’t you tired of the routine?”

“Yes!” I interjected, that’s why I just want to sleep.

One replied, “Why don’t you just take control & end your life?”

Then another commented, “Because she’s even too weak to do that!”

The other said, “She’s a sorry excuse of a life.”

Alarmed, because I heard an unfamiliar voice, I asked, “Who said that?”

Stubborn-silence

So I interjected again, “STOP TALKING ABOUT ME LIKE I’M NOT HERE! Yeah I wake up only to count the hours till nightfall so that I can go back to sleep. I continue to wake up because it HAS to get better-that’s why I don’t end my life-I want to see the better & cheer & praise my Creator-God for it! I want to share my stories with someone else who maybe waking up only to long to go back to sleep as well! The routine, I admit, does get boring, but-I-won’t-end-it; I’ll innovate it. As a matter of fact, I’m going to get up right now to get away from the 2 of you!

One said, “She’ll be back in a few hours.”

Then another said, “Yeah, and we’ll talk to her till she falls asleep on us after hours of tossing, turning, begging us to shut up & let her go to sleep.”

And the unfamiliar said, “Of course she’ll be back; she has to find out who “i” am, why she hadn't heard from "me" before, and why "i'm" here. Trust me, she'll be back, we’re the ones who motivate her to get up…she just don’t know it yet.”

Simply,

...Making Real Lasting Connections

2011-08-28T16:25:00.006-04:00

There is so much to tell that I have to start back at last weekend, (19-21 August)!

Friday, the 19th, I attended the Jazz on the Riverfront Business Network in Norfolk, Virginia, hosted by Glen Francis. Mr. Francis invited business owners to be encouraged, connected, and exposed to one another. There were Coffee Distributors, Realtors, Social Network Specialists, Authors, Tailors, Naturalists Landscapers, and there was even a Comedian in attendance! We enjoyed presentations and giveaways as well. A lot of connections were made and I will certainly attend future events!

Saturday, the 20th, I attended the “Molding Mommies” workshop hosted by the founder, Teyonna Aiken. She, along with Nicole Cleveland & Veronica Thomas orally presented motivation through the sharing of their personal stories. These ladies have teamed up to bring awareness to various issues concerning women and girls while actively making positive changes in the Hampton Roads area. Please visit their websites to be uplifted by the great work these ladies are doing.

Nicole Cleveland, Published Author, Blogtalk Radio Host, & Founder of Breathe Again E-Zine

Teyonna Aiken, Founder of Molding Minds

Later in the evening, I met with Sharmetra Pittman, a fellow Light Caster and founder of G.O.A.L. Model. The excitement of being in Sharmetra’s presence had a lot to do with the last meeting I had with Itiel, who is also a fellow Light Caster because we are not just making connections online; we’re meeting face-to-face and seeing just how bright our lights are shining eye-to-eye, but it also gave me an opportunity to hear the wonderful goals & achievements that Sharmetra has set for herself. Her enthusiasm, in my opinion, is what will bring her much success.

Sharmetra Pittman, Founder of G.O.A.L. Model & Life Coach

I sold a few books over the weekend as well. One of my sisters attended all the events with me and she really enjoyed meeting new people and learning about the various businesses and community services in the area. We finished the weekend off with a “Girl’s Day” with our mom and aunt at the movies on Sunday afternoon.

Whew, now that that’s done, I have to tell you all about last week in another post!

smooches,

...The First Day of School

2011-08-25T21:08:00.003-04:00

On Tuesday evening my children and I attended Open House for the 2011/2012 school year. We met their teachers,I filled out paperwork, and left with 2 supply lists.

On Wednesday back packs were filled with some of the items from the lists that we already had on hand. I decided that part of my first day of school celebration would be to go shopping for the remainder of the school supplies.

On Thursday, today, I visited 2 stores to find the remaining items. By the time I arrived back home about mid-afternoon, I-still-had-not-gotten-all-the-required-items! For example, red pens, SINCE WHEN DID 3rd GRADERS NEED RED PENS??? And obviously every 3rd grader in Wayne County needed red pens because I did not find any at either location! Another request happened to be Skittles...FOR REAL? "Cameron's" teacher had to specifically ask for Skittles? DIDN'T-FIND-THOSE-EITHER so I purchased Life Savers and thought, "Well at least I'm sending something!"

On today, still Thursday, "Evelyn" comes home with another list! WHY-IN-THE-WORLD-WOULD-THIS-LIST-NOT-HAVE-BEEN-AVAILABLE-ON-TUESDAY-EVENING! So, amidst preparing dinner and playing on social networks, I decided that the Cornish hens could continue to bake in the oven on a very low temperature because there would have been no way that I could have completed dinner, eat, go to store with the new list, and get back home in time for the kids to shower and get in bed on time. So, we manically ran the aisles at Target and bum rushed Zaxby's drive-thru. Now the sounds of deep breathing lets me know that my children are peacefully asleep, which means that now I should be marking the new items with "Evelyn's" name, taking the Cornish hen out the oven to be reheated for tomorrow, putting the green beans in a suitable container, tightly wrapping the bread so that it will not get hard, and maybe, just MAYBE fold the laundry. Instead, I choose to listen to blog talk radio, compose this post, and lurk around the social networks!

On Friday, tomorrow, I will finish my back-to-school celebration by visiting the spa like I'd planned for today, Thursday!

smooches,

...of Me Time

2011-08-16T10:21:00.005-04:00

This past weekend excited me to no end! On Monday afternoon when I woke up, I felt really good! Usually, Monday’s come with such unfavorable emotions because the weekend has ended while the upcoming weekend seems so far away. I did, however, have to sleep a lot on yesterday to “make-up” and therefore did not do any writing or very much social networking which could have “put me behind,” but the beauty of working for myself AND from home quickly eliminates that!

Saturday I relished the company of one of my sisters, two aunts, and seven cousins for a monthly ladies night. First we had dinner at Hibachi Supreme Buffet followed by some chill time at the home of Charlita, graphic designer of the “My Heart Speaks…” book cover and a foot-stompin’ great time at Club Tempo! My sister and I not so discreetly ended the fun with gut-wrenching hilarity at the prior events while lying in bed.

Sunday morning came rather quickly, (especially since our fun didn’t end until after 4 a.m.), but with an awesome opportunity; I met fellow Light Caster, Itiel of Smell Goods 98™ at Panera Bread! It’s one thing to interact with someone via the World Wide Web and another to interact face-to-face. Meeting “IRL” makes it palpable and makes the connection something so much more. We enjoyed one another and have made plans to meet again! Being greatly encouraged, (details in another post later), the next meeting is eagerly anticipated!

Itiel & Larie

Upon my return home, “Evelyn” asked, “Mommy, did you have fun without us?” After mischievously chuckling and nanoseconds of wondering if that were a trick, rhetorical, or sincere question, I honestly & proudly answered, “YES I DID!”
Bunches of thanks to Anton, my husband, for his support in me spending time with my family; to my sister Loren, Aunts Joann & Charlene, and cousins Kimberly, Catina, Charlita, Crystal, Melanie, Barbara, and Tamika for a wonderful ladies night; to Itiel for agreeing to meet with me, work with me, and the edification! Big hugs and sloppy smooches to you all! LOL

smooches,

...of Strawberry Shortcakes

2011-08-12T08:36:00.005-04:00

My kids love to help in the kitchen. It's not always easy so I try to come up with things that they can do "on their own" and doesn't require a lot of ingredients or clean-up. We made homemade whipped cream that they used as the filling for their own personal strawberry shortcakes!

My son said, "Mommy! I have a great idea! You can teach me how to cook like you and I can teach 'Evelyn' & 'Janelle'!" I chuckled and said ok! He calls himself the head chef!

...of Knockouts

2011-08-10T07:42:00.002-04:00

While you’re still contemplating your next move;
I’m shouting “CHECKMATE!”

Surprised/though you tried not to show it, you begin a new game/ when instead, you ought to change your mind frame.

You act like the truth is TABOO™;
making sure to use the cards you’ve made which remind you of what not to say;
boy boo! you’re absent-minded of the clues!

Now you think that MONOPOLY™ is your forte;
purchasing, then marking me as your “territory” is not an option,
i was bought with pure blood AND marked by God!

You’re no good at CONNECT FOUR™ either;
thinking you’ve blocked my way,
when in fact, you blocked your way to being a man!

Maybe you should try Connect the Dots™/they’ll lead you away from the boyish games/& mentality so that you’ll cognize what it means when I say, UNO™!

Simply,

...of I Felt Good

2011-08-08T09:22:00.007-04:00

I had a G-R-E-A-T weekend! Why is this a "big" deal? Well, for one, my family and I spent a lot of time together without list of to do and have to be here or there at a particular time. I went to bed as late as I wanted and slept as late as I wanted to as well. The sleep thing is almost as awesome as the rest that I have to write about because I have a nocturnal circadian rhythm, therefore, I appreciate staying up into the early morning and sleeping until mid-afternoon. I feel more energetic, productive, and happy during this time, but of course with having kids I rarely get to operate this way.

The other reason for my G-R-E-A-T...I was blessed to host the weekly Friday evening Bible Study at my home! I love to entertain! Hosting this uplifting event also gave me the opportunity to prepare appetizing foods, (cooking, another love of mine), for a group of people that I love very much. This also allowed me to photograph more foods for my catering business. My guests were offered:
Creamy Deli Roll Ups

Minty Fruit Medley

Bread Pudding w/Orange Sauce & Whipped Cream

A fresh garden salad, queso dip, & mint flavored iced tea also graced the table. Our night was both spiritually & physically nourished well! On Saturday, I continued basking in my joy of cooking by preparing Blueberry & Strawberry Muffins! They tasted great with a little of the leftover orange sauce!

If you ever want to drop by, let me know, I'd love to welcome you!

smooches,

...of First Blog Talk Interview

2011-08-05T09:14:00.002-04:00

Nicole Cleveland, founder of Breathe Again E-zine and author of"So He Cheated, Now What?" gave me the awesome pleasure of speaking about my Godly triumphs from seemingly unfavorable circumstances. Yes, I was nervous, but I made it through. If you didn’t get to tune in live, you can listen to the recording here!

smooches,

...of My First Radio Interview

2011-08-04T16:52:00.002-04:00

Hi everyone! I just want to let you all know that I will be interviewed by Nicole Cleveland this evening at 6:30 p.m. on Blog Talk Radio for the online magazine, Breathe Again. Click the link below to listen in live!

http://t.co/7ZVfg12

smooches,

...of Anticipation

2011-08-03T08:00:00.002-04:00

Thursday night is the night

Dressed just right

All my accessories are gonna be tight

Does this mean er’thing aight?

Excitement taking all my might

I hope it’s not another false light

In my mind I’ve become bright

Dressed to kill-what a sight

I won’t put of a fight

On Thursday night

Simply,

...of How Do You Like Your Money?

2011-08-01T18:13:00.004-04:00

My kids wanted cereal this morning so off to the fridge I went to get the milk. VIOLA! This is what I see:

Immediately I knew who had done this; "Anton's Son!" So I asked "Cameron" why his money was in the fridge. He looks at me with that look as if he's trying to feel me out to see if I'm mad and if he's in trouble so I assure him that I seriously only want to know WHY. He smiles widely and says, "Because I wanted it cold."

Me: "Ooookay, but why does it have to be cold?"
"Cameron": "Because I never had it cold before!"
Me: "What does having it cold have to do with anything?"
"Cameron": "Because I wanna' put it on my back and cool off!"
Me: (Exasperated), "Okay boy, whatever, get it out of my fridge."

A couple hours later when "Evelyn" asked for some ice cream I found the $6 resting on top of a box of garlic toast and I said, "CAMERON!"

smooches,

...of Run Away

2011-07-29T13:08:00.001-04:00

I wanna’ run away
get lost
disappear to stay

I wanna’ run away
do not seek; respect that I hide
unable to play

I wanna’ run away
opposite of preconceived expectations
no mind to what they say

I wanna’ run away
damn empty promises & slick smiles
MOVE! Y’all in my way

I wanna’ run away
absent of sin & mortal judgment
needing to pray

I wanna’ run away
i can’t stay
to play
the game of what you say
you’re words/they’re in my way
now, must I pray?

Simply,

...of Have You Ever (continued)

2011-07-27T08:31:00.004-04:00

On Monday, I asked a series of questions about “constipation.” I’ve encountered individuals who don’t think that his/her poo is accompanied by an offensive odor as well as those who don’t even know that they are full of poo AND that it smells bad! These beings are well aware of themselves in the sense of arrogance. He/she knows all, (except about their “constipation” problem), does no wrong, and always avoids discipline.

Arrogance, as defined by dictionary.com, is having or showing an exaggerated opinion of one's own importance, merit, ability, etc; conceited; overbearingly proud. These people tend to speak very highly of themselves during most of your interaction with them. Everything he or she has done is the greatest thing ever and solicited such huge distinction! They try to offer a humble attitude about it, but we can see & feel the façade.

Having all the answers comes as no surprise when dealing with an arrogant person. You can know for sure that he/she has no idea what they’re talking about, but this doesn’t stop the person from trying. I must admit, they are good with their words to the point where if you, (the listener), aren’t paying attention, you will be bamboozled and forever locked into his or hers, “I can get over on them” mental box. You will not be respected by them.

This part may sound as if I am wishing unfortunate events upon Mr. & Mrs. Constipated, but doesn’t it seem as if they don’t get caught? Most of their lies remain uncovered and the ones that are uncovered, well, really aren't, (you may have to read that one twice to get it, LOL)! Therefore, they continue to deceive others because in their minds, “I never get caught and I get away with it,” and WE are the ones who appear to suffer for their wrongdoings. Thereby, he or she is always right!

Just be careful of them, they’re known to be manipulators as well.

smooches,

...of Have You Ever

2011-07-25T09:43:00.004-04:00

Have you ever been acquainted with someone who just knows that his/her poo doesn’t stink? Maybe you interact with this person on a daily basis, thereby having to deal with the attitude seemingly ALL-THE-TIME! Perhaps the individual only gets to visit with you every now and then, which is a great thing, but at the same time a very annoying period of time. Whatever the situation, interacting with a person, for me, who is full of stinky poo is quite a mental & emotional ride.

So, how does this affect you? How does your relationship with this person suffer? Do you ever tell the metaphorically constipated offender that he/she is full of poo that reeks? No, maybe you should try just straight up asking first, “Do you know that you are full of poo AND that it stinks?” because they may not know, then you can tell them. Why don’t they know? Has anyone else ever enlightened them?

Think on these questions, tell me what’s on your mind, and come back Wednesday for more on this subject.

smooches,

...of 07052011

2011-07-21T10:16:00.001-04:00

Mid Tuesday mourning

No sounds

Absent of movement

Life gone, and then soon removed

Does life come by death?

Or is it

Death comes through life?

Absent of sounds

No movements to calculate

Vacuumed sounds arise because no life sounds overcame

Uncontrolled movements result from removed life-absent-none-gone

Simply,

...of Baby Belle Blue pt. 2

2011-07-20T08:12:00.001-04:00

One week longer you coulda’ grew

One week closer to being through

One week past the clue

Last week I was such a brute

My apologies to you

Baby Belle Blue.

Simply,

Baby Belle Blue

2011-07-19T08:14:00.002-04:00

To you I tried to be true
through & through.
I promise I didn’t know what to do
up until it finally came to
accepting the non-existence of you;
in a life meant for 2
supposedly coming through,
& into a world of blue-
skies, waters, blankets, pills & scrubs while blood flowed through
for you,
my Baby Belle Blue.

Simply,

...of Don't Call It a Comeback

2011-07-18T11:47:00.001-04:00

Hmmmm, don’t know if it’s proper to say that I’m making a comeback; I wasn’t gone that long nor did I “fall off,” I just had to take a break. All in the course of merely a few short weeks…

Professional Culinary Arts training has ended for various reasons, but I care to only discuss one right now, the one that really matters; I want to be with my family. My youngest child is 3…enough said. It was pretty selfish of me to have tried to attend school 182.08 miles away from home at this time. As I write, I glance across the table at my baby girl while she’s eating a pancake that she doused with syrup, such a cute sight. I need to be here.

I want to be here.

About two weeks after I returned from school, I found out that I was pregnant and that my thyroid level had been off which caused other health issues. Honestly there were mixed feelings. Another child was wanted, just not until the completion of school along with the certainty of my marriage continuing. Well, since it ain’t about my plans, we prepared ourselves for a brand new baby and the reconstruction of “US,” but 4 weeks & 3 hospital visits later, we were not prepared for the loss of another child. Baby only made it to 9 weeks.

I still want to be here.

Writing & cooking seemed to require too much effort during the beginning and I wondered if I truly had been devoted to either at all. I still thought about both and desired to do both, but I just couldn’t. My emotions go into both, so I dared not to offer myself to anyone in the state I found myself in…especially not my cooking. Also with cooking, being that I was not able to stand for long periods of time without having a syncope episode, that could have been dangerous. Of course morning sickness, which is actually ALL-THE-TIME-SICKNESS, came to visit me. After a while I started feel like I needed to write, so I did, but posting anything was not an option, I just didn’t feel like being bothered with the computer for anything.

I’m okay with all that has occurred, in the sense that there is a purpose and sure that it will be revealed to me when I am ready to receive & appreciate it. Do I hurt? Well yes, but I am okay.

Now, at the core of getting back to normal, “My Heart Speaks…”

smooches,

...of Ambien

2011-06-10T12:05:00.004-04:00

Beckoning chirps/while the dew
still glistens like new
Semi-roll/aching to remain sleep
for they need me, (my dreams), to keep-

my eyes shut tight/as i fight
'cause i don't wanna see the light
Grunting in fetal position/needing to refrain
from the mediocrity to maintain
to be the one expected to remain
in an overdue membrane.

Of course I want to maintain,
but I broke the mold of the 43-week old membrane
that you expect me to remain
and until you can accept that/i choose to refrain-

from the beckoning chirps while the dew
is still new
and continue to roll back to sleep
'cause my dreams, i need to keep
so i'll keep my eyes shut tight,
continue to fight,
and stay away from the light-
positioned like a fetus in a membrane
who's trying NOT to remain.

Simply,

...of Am I Finally There?

2011-06-08T08:28:00.004-04:00

I last asked, "Am I There Now?" Well, apparently not...

Upon exiting last night’s slumber, I had no idea that there would be so much that needed to be done in order for a “To Do List” to be compiled. At first glance, I wondered, “Man, I must have been tired last night; I don’t even remember writing a list.”

When I looked again, I noticed that the handwriting did not look like mine. “It must be Anton’s then,” I thought. However, I peeked at it & realized that he hadn’t penned it either! The script belongs to our oldest daughter, “Evelyn.” So you know I really had to examine the itemization closely:

1. Put make-up on
2. Wash face
3. Put cloths on
4. Come out bathroom
5. Don’t let DaDDy see make-up on

She’s only 7…

smooches,

...of Miscommunication of Translation Part II

2011-06-06T19:14:00.003-04:00

Silence isn’t silent.
Silence speaks; ignorantly to some, intelligently to others.

My silence is meekly an act of wisdom;
I’ve said it before, “What you’re saying doesn’t make sense.”
I said it again, “You’re still not making any sense…this is why…

Yet, here you are AGAIN, saying the same thing, which now makes less sense than it previously did; but this time I am exercising my right to remain silent/for you will not be able to hold my words against me by saying, “See, I told you that you don’t listen to me. Now get off my back and stop nagging me!”

“When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.” Proverbs 10:19 NIV

Simply,

...No More Fooling Me

2011-06-04T17:45:00.004-04:00

I asked you once/gave the specifics second time around
Don’t know if it’s good for you or me; but since this is NOT a game of baseball…THERE AIN’T NO STRIKE 3

You’re just like the rest of them; undependable,
full of empty promises laced with game, &
cowardly/perhaps for the sake of your ego, and/or just to hear yourself say something good

I almost fixed my mouth to say, “Poor Me” for trusting,
opening up to, &
asking you/perhaps because I do want to believe that not the total male species is corrupt,

But reality says, poor YOU, for playing against yourself & still losing!

Simply,

...of Miscommunication of Translation Part I

2011-06-02T07:41:00.002-04:00

Silence isn’t silent.
Silence speaks; ignorantly to some, intelligently to others.

I’ve been thinking that you regard my silence as me being stupid, passive, slow, weak, and lacking self-confidence.

I’ll make a deal with you:
If I speak,
You listen.

When I speak,
You hear me…
…without calling me a bitch, nag, or whiner, and then saying that I’m not listening to or understanding you.

Playa’, I am listening to you; your words are audible.
They’re also cunning, beguiling, vexing, ridiculing, and reeking of undue preeminence.

Simply,

...of Pain

2011-05-31T22:22:00.000-04:00

Can anything hurt worse than this,
will anything free me of this?

What may mentally scar me more than this,
when may I be emotionally void of this?

Who understands this,
why don’t I get this?

How permissible is this,
where in my world is this?

Simply,

...of If I Were Being Compensated for Thinking;

2011-05-30T19:25:00.004-04:00

I thought I’d arrived,
no more cries.

I thought I meant more,
not so much a chore.

I thought I understood,
instead I learned I’m no good;

No good at following the clues,
so that I don’t look like a fool.

Nothing good can come of this,
the feeling of what I want to do with my fists.

Nor can it take/
away my heartache.

Simply,

...of Kesha

2011-05-29T23:47:00.003-04:00

“Cameron” decided today that he’d have his first pet; a Ladybug. Of course he’s excited! The first thing he did was make her a house; a Cool Whip container with holes punched in the top so that she can breathe. “Evelyn” was excited as well, but of course she tried to take over. She began instructing “Cameron” on how to have a pet. She told him that her house needed to resemble her natural ecosystem, (what 7-years old says ecosystem?), and she gathered some grass, mulch, and a rock. The child even put 3, yes 3 drops of water in the ecosystem.

Undisturbed, “Cameron” says, “We have to name the Ladybug. It has to be a girl name ‘cause she’s going to be a girl.” “Evelyn” starts blurting out names and Anton suggests that they give her a “real” name like Keisha since humans give each other names like Ladybug. Fair enough…I guess?

They seemed to have liked the idea at first, then “Evelyn,” (mind you, she’s our melodramatic/creative one), says, with one finger in the air, eyes bulging, and the “AH-HA” smile, “I GOT IT! Let’s name her Kesha because she shines like one!” Neither Anton nor I entertained our thoughts of, “What is she talking about?” her, but “Cameron” agreed.

Now it’s Kesha with a short “e,” not Keisha or Keysha. Just think of the shiny thing…I think? I DON’T KNOW!

They’ve been checking on her periodically and asked if she could come in the house because it’s too hot in the garage for her. Anton asked, “Well where did y’all find her at?” Simultaneously, “In the garage.” Okay then, it’s settled!

smooches,

...of "best if used by..."

2011-04-28T10:58:00.004-04:00

soured dreams
expired,
curdled like years-old cream

molded ambitions
decomposed,
rotten like overripe persimmons

spoiled opportunities
rancid,
mephitic like putrefied malt in breweries

timed out goals
dated,
seasoned like fermented borecole

...of "Murphy's Law"

2011-04-22T17:35:00.004-04:00

stepping back; observing

backing off; reflecting

Reevaluating

maybe even turning around...

...of A Tiny Peek

2011-04-18T09:29:00.002-04:00

Unconsciously, I snoozed as well and was quickened awake by my sister, "POOKIE! Mommy & Daddy home!" Jumping up, I shook Lyle and told him my parents were home and he had to go. Scared, he paced quickly while I frantically tried to get the tape out of the VCR and back into the drawer.

Car door: BOOM!

Another car door: BOOM!

Voices! I hear my parent’s muffled voices!

“Lyle, back-door-this-way!”

(Taken from "Freshman Year," a chapter in the next installment of the "My Heart Speaks..." series, "My Heart Speaks...of Boys and a Girl.")

untitled

2011-04-16T11:21:00.003-04:00

i don't want to be...

i just want to BE

it doesn't fit your
expectations,
dreams,
goals,
or wishes for me.

and i ain't sorry for it neither.

yea i'm me,
Larie,
and i'm just gunna BE

...of How Come...

2011-04-14T15:18:00.001-04:00

…hand washing after using the toilet is drilled into our minds? Yes, it is important and beneficial for health reasons, but I’m just saying how come we aren’t taught to wash our hands BEFORE we use the toilet; especially males? The next time you go to the restroom, wash your hands before you use the toilet and look in the sink as you rinse, lather, and rinse again, then come back here to leave a comment to let me know if you get where I’m going with this. But, yes, please do still wash your hands AFTER you’re done as well!

…”they” say that we, women, don’t know what we want? Hey buddy, how about removing that lustful plank from your eye and then maybe, with a little more coaching from a WOMAN, just maybe “you” will then know that it’s not about what a woman wants, it’s about what she DESERVES! She deserves your respect, just like you. When you want to get a woman’s attention, call her by her name, or Miss, or Young Lady, or Ma’am. Maybe even Darling or Sweetheart will work, (but usually only for distinguished gentlemen…tee-hee), but referring to a female as shawty, (shorty), ma, (this is the one that boils me beyond boiling temperature because I say that if I were you’re “Ma,” you would have been taught how to properly address a lady by your father and I!), or baby-girl is not appropriate. When “you” respect the woman, then you can concern yourself about what it is that she wants...which one thing would be NOT to be called disrespectfully out of her name! (More to come on this later)

…someone asked me, (after asking what type of writing I do), if I had a real job? Had I not been trying too hard to be professional, although taken aback, by responding politely, “Well I’m just pushing my book right now and attending school full-time,” I may have said that no I do not have a “real” job, I have a writing career that is very rewarding and promising with tons of perks and benefits that only one who is happy doing what he/she wants to do can fathom!

I’m just saying…

...of 6 Words

2011-04-03T21:30:00.004-04:00

"Imperfectly Perfect. Shamelessly Testifying. Spiritually Maturing."

As a part of a contest for a scholarship to the 2011 She Speaks Conference, contestants have to tell a story using only 6 words! I love this "challenge" because one of the reasons I want to attend this conference is so that I can attend the Speaker's Track because I am eager to learn how to deliver an impactful message, not giving too much or boring or not enough information in the allotted time period. I also want to know how to engage the audience in the message.

So, to my frequent visitors, how did I do with those 6 words?

smooches,

...of A Piece of My Heart

2011-03-31T16:37:00.004-04:00

Since when did Christian translate into "Perfect"? Too often, we as Christian wives & mothers keep ourselves in the box that the world has constructed for us. In that box, we are thought of as struggle-free, weep-less, anger-free, failure-less, chaos-free, self-less, fear-less, and always faithful. We are stereotyped as always having it all together. Even sometimes within Christ’s Body, we place each other in that box, causing us to feel alone and that we can’t talk to anyone about our struggles.

I’m not just stepping out of that box; I AM TEARING IT DOWN! I am not flawless.

The things I share here on this page are for your encouragement as well mine. This is a prayer request avenue for me. Read my thoughts and PRAY FOR ME please! I do not share this to “ruin” our Christian reputation, but yet to let others know that we are relatable, just like Christ. "…For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are-yet was without sin…" Hebrews 4:13-16 NIV Oh blessed Sisters, you are no longer, “A-Loner.” “Blest be the tie that binds…”

This is one reason I'd like to attend this year's She Speaks Conference, hosted by Proverbs 31 Ministries, in Concord, North Carolina. She Speaks Conference is about women connecting the hearts of women to the heart of our Father God and my heart is to serve Him and His daughters, as He leads.

...of I'm Still Here

2011-03-16T19:31:00.003-04:00

Long time no see my bloggy family! Here's what I've been up to:

1. Making marital decisions

2. Moving

3. Working at Ruby Tuesday

4. Began School for Advanced Culinary Arts in Richmond, VA

5. Began a second job at a lounge

6. Paying more for auto repairs than I paid for the automobile

7. Trying to be comfortable being ME!

...of A Final Excerpt

2010-12-08T19:01:00.001-05:00

Foreward

Never meant for words…never meant to fall upon ears…and most certainly never meant to be read by many…until now. These stories come from and overflowing heart. “My Heart Speaks…” is an introduction to a series of unforgettable stories, poems, scriptures, and quotes that will touch your soul. Larie breaks the silence of her heart to share magnificent stories of faith, feelings of abandonment, deception and love. She helps the reader come to the realizations that it’s OK to be imperfect as a Christian, mother, and wife. She shares how every day life is truly a lesson and how to do your part as a student and learn from life’s experiences. These remarkable stories that were milestones in her life will be challenges for others. Share her memories, trials and setbacks as Larie strives to find her inner peace and be the person she never thought possible. Redefine or conclude what true sanity really is to you by accepting the raw honesty of this book. Larie’s stories exemplify strength in more ways than one. This book is the beginning story of a journey about an inner voice that was silenced through the years, but through transformation now speaks.

Just when you feel defeated and as if no one can relate…Her heart speaks. If you’re feeling the need for assurance and encouragement on life’s challenges…Her heart speaks. Ready to judge another based on outside perception? Larie’s story is meant to allow you as the reader to transform with her as you relate, sympathize and become empowered by the words from “My Heart Speaks…”

Nicole Christina

... of Am I There Now?

2010-11-02T21:40:00.010-04:00

The fun just doesn't stop when this family is involved!

So, you all remember the original "Am I There Yet?" post right? Well this evening, my biological dad treated the kids and I to dinner. My babygirl was putting down spaghetti, pizza, and lemonade. I thought nothing of it since kids sometimes eat lots of lots and other times they act as if they are fasting for some new toy that they've been praying for! :) Besides, children REALLY like to eat out.

My "Super-Mommy" senses were not working tonight because "Janelle" became irritable. She whined, fidgeted, and wanted to sit on my lap. She sat, I ate. Right in mid-sentence of a conversation with my dad, "Janelle" adds to the conversation with a big, "BLUUUAAAAHHH!"

Yeah, that's right, spaghetti, pizza, and lemonade all over the both of us, (more on me than her of course!). It smelled horrible, but I did well by not reacting grossed out like I kinda wanted to. I sat there calmly while our server asked what she could do to help. I asked for rags and a bag. My dad went to the car to get the diaper bag and something for me to wear, however, he didn't find anything so I changed "Janelle" and took her back to the table and went to my car. I searched the trunk and found a pair of Anton's boxers. Don't ask...they were clean...enough said!

Back in the bathroom I removed both my shirts and my sports bra, (I know, this time it wouldn't work, LOL), and put my jacket on. I then removed my jeans and socks and put the boxers on. Shaking my head at my reflection, I went back to the table, said goodnight to my dad and told my kids, "Let's go! Now!" Of course my dad thought it was hilarious and my older two joined in the laughter with him. "Janelle" had the nerve to say, (while giggling), "I say BLUUUAAAHHH! (giggle) I do it again!" and I quickly said, Oh no you don't do it again!"

I tell ya, me, my kids, and clothes...what's it all about?

By the way, does anyone have a tip on cleaning suede shoes...or should I just count them as a loss and toss 'em?

...of Goldsboro's Got Talent Y'all!

2010-10-26T22:47:00.005-04:00

So I’m walking up the refrigerated aisle of Wal-Mart, in pursuit of milk, and minding my own business, when some random guy yells, “LARIE! YOU’RE LARIE WRITES!” I stepped back a little as he came into my personal space and braced myself for a quick sprint. Still yelling, he says, “YOU WROTE THAT BOOK CALLED ‘MY HEART SPEAKS...’ RIGHT?” Unsure of what would happen next, I hesitantly said, “Uhhhh yea, sure?” He told me that we’d met before and I was thinking, “Yeah right, that’s what ‘they’ all say baby boy!” Then he told me his name, Milton, and I falsely said aloud, “Oh yeah, Milton, yea that’s right; all the while asking myself, “Who is Milton? I don’t know you bruh!” But, I played along ‘cause I’m considerate like that.

Milton exhaled and extended his clammy hand towards me. Carefully, I accepted and was taken aback by his strong grip that pulled me into his suffocating embrace. Once he decided to let me go, he asked me for my autograph. I said sure but quickly thought, “Why did I say yes?” because he yanked his white t-shirt up with his left hand, and pounded his chest with his right hand and requested that I sign his “heart” so that he may be encouraged to let it speak as well! Shaking my head, I started to say, “Dude, really?”

Okay, all right, if I was in court and had been sworn in, this is the story that I’d tell without the use of my special imagination:

I was in fact, in Wal-Mart, headed towards the milk. A familiar face was coming my way and in my mind, I screeched, “THAT’S MILTON MCCLAIN! THE DUDE WHO SANG AT END ZONE! OH MY, WHAT IS HE DOIN’ IN GOLDSBORO?” However, not wanting to frighten the young man with my excitement, I silently counted, 10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1, and calmly said, “Milton? How ya doing? We met in Raleigh.” As I extended my hand to him, he confirmed our past meeting and firmly shook my hand. I tried not to bombard him with too many questions because I didn’t want to be the “Crazy-groupie-Wal-Mart chick” that had Milton McClain hemmed up in the refrigerated aisle!

Therefore, I inquired about his amazing singing career and rejoiced at some great news he shared, (You’ll have to keep up with his fan page to find out…that’s IF he decides to share it, tee-hee). He handed me a SIGNED copy of his CD and I almost “lost” it! I asked, “Is this for me?” and he said it was! WOW, Milton knew that he’d see me again so he was carrying that CD around all this time…just-for-me! Oh, wait, I’m sorry, I forgot that I was “under oath” right now! LOL

But really, Milton McClain and I were both invited guests of Thursday Night Live, hosted by Author Noiz, back in July. Milton performed some of his songs and I was signing books. I am very impressed with Milton’s work and see him excelling abundantly. Click here to hear for yourselves!

...of Diane Estrella's Review

2010-10-22T16:35:00.004-04:00

Big thanks, hugs and smooches to Diane for reading and publishing a review of "My Heart Speaks..."

I really appreciate it Diane, this means alot to me!

...of Someone Suggested That We Should Have Our Own Reality Show

2010-10-13T07:25:00.004-04:00

It's only Wednesday and thanks to my kids, I've had an eventful already! For those of you who have been following "My Heart Speaks..." for the last two years, can already imagine what you're about to read. To my new followers, Welcome To Our World...

Sunday evening, "Evelyn," my oldest, said to me, "Mommy, were cars invented when you were a little girl?" I have no clue why that thought came into her head at the moment she was climbing up the ladder to her bed, but I'm sure she strategically waited until that moment to ask such a preposterous thing. I'm thinking she figured that if she waited until bedtime, I'd be too excited about the quiet time I was about to enjoy to ask her questions about where that idea came from and reminding her that I'm only 32 to only end up answering her with a simple, "Yes."

She won. All I could do was snicker a little and say, "Yes, but you should ask your grandma the same thing!" Tee-hee.

Then comes Monday afternoon, "Cameron" approached me while I was on the phone and said, "Mommy! I can't find my weg!", (that darn letter "L" still trips my baby-boy up). I wasn't sure if I heard him correctly, so then the conversation went something like so:

Me: (thinking, no this boy did not just say he can't find his leg), "You can't find what?"

"Cameron": "My weg, I can't find my weg!"

Friend on Phone: (obviously amused), "Did he say he can't his leg?"

Me: (Laughing), "Yes!"

"Cameron": "I don't know where I put it!"

Me: "What?"

"Cameron": (irritated), "MY WEEEEGUH! I-CAN'T FIND IT!"
Friend on Phone: (now laughing more hysterically and instigating the situation), "You better help him find his leg!"

Me: (thinking what's the harm in playing along with him), "Cameron, where did you have it last?"

"Cameron": "I don't know!"

We're just walking around the living room while "Evelyn" and "Janelle" continue to watch t.v. as if looking for a lost appendage is a normal thing in our household! Nevertheless, I help my son look for his leg even though I did not really know what I was looking for. We couldn't have been looking for more than a couple of seconds when "Cameron" excitedly says, "HERE IT IS! I weft it on the floor." I entertained him with a small fanfare and saying, "Alright! You found it man! Yaaaaay!" He bent down near the television, "picked" his leg up and went to his room.

No I did not follow him. No I did not ask him about it later. I just let it be; don't think I could have handled anymore! Tee-hee.

Finally, on Tuesday morning, "Janelle" tells me that she has to "peet," (go potty), so we arrive at the bathroom of her choice, (we have two bathrooms and she actually prefers one over the other sometimes...DO NOT ASK ME...I DON'T KNOW...I JUST GO WITH THE FLOW! lol). I helped her onto to the toilet and wait. She positioned her hands on the seat, looked down, and said, "Here it comes! See Mommy!" So yes, I looked, and looked, and looked, but saw nothing. "Janelle" must have sensed that I was about to say something because she quickly looked up at me and said, "Where it is mommy?" I told her that I guess it was still in her bladder to which she replied, "My baddur?" I confirmed, "Yes, your bladder."

She waited a little longer and finally said, "I done. My baddur in da peet. I do it waidah mommy." I conceded, followed her back into the living room, and continued to watch whatever program was on the Disney Channel at that moment without even trying to understand what had just happened.

Get your personal copy of "My Heart Speaks..." at Her Write-ful Life!

...of an excerpt from the book, "My Heart Speaks..."

2010-09-24T16:50:00.003-04:00

"...Next came three years of uncompromising, pre-meditated rebellion. I drank alcohol and smoked weed. It was liberating to have something to place the blame on. When raped, I no longer felt as if the responsibility was mine. “I was high and/or drunk,” seemed to be an acceptable explanation. When molestation found me again, it was no fault of my own. I became adept at deflecting blame, and lived as one who would not be held responsible for things done while under the influence of intoxicating beverages and an illicit drug. Rarely did Mommy and Daddy give me a curfew. When they did, I purposely ignored their request that I return home at a given time, daring them to enforce consequences. Mommy said to me one time that my attitude made her want to vomit. I yielded to no one’s restraint. Respect for my family, other adults, and myself was a foreign concept. Boys used my body as their private playground per my admittance. The entrance gate did not display a sign of rules.

I acquired my first job and real boyfriend, (who I later married), during this time as well. Foolishly, I thought telling him that I was a virgin would keep him in interested in me as a person, not just in having sex with me. He let me think that he believed me. Shortly after turning 17 and at the beginning of my senior year of high school, we found out that I was pregnant. In spite of the value that I placed on the new human being developing in my young womb, a decision to abort the innocent baby was made for us. Reasons given included the following: “You’re both too young.” “He’s about to leave for basic training, (implying that there was no guarantee that we’d stay together).” “I don’t want you to end up like me,” explained my mother (who had me at age 17). Lastly, “It just wouldn’t be right if you have to walk across the stage with a big belly to receive your diploma, or worse, miss your graduation ceremony altogether because you’re in labor!” I voiced my displeasure about the decision to end my pregnancy to my boyfriend, but he replied, “You’re being a baby about it. It ain’t that big a deal.” At 7 weeks and 3 days, my baby was murdered. Afterwards, no one talked about it, E-V-E-R, and my boyfriend left for basic training..."

Taken from Section 1, "Let Me Introduce Myself"

...of A Foreigner in a Familiar Land?

2010-09-14T22:21:00.006-04:00

I feel like a stranger here; yet this place is familiar to me.

Maybe I feel more like a visitor; stopping through, leaving with souviners.

Nah, an outsider; I know of these surroundings, but I don't know them.

Then again, maybe it's just my need for reconnection that's making me feel this way.

I miss this place, I miss my family, I miss your love.

Hello, it's me, Larie, "The Prodigal Blogger"

smooches,

...of "Desperate Decisions"

2010-08-23T16:51:00.003-04:00

“David burned with anger against the man and said to Nathan, ‘As surely as the LORD lives, the man who did this deserves to die! He must pay for that lamb four times over, because he did such a thing and had no pity.’ Then Nathan said to David, ‘You are the man! This is what the LORD, the God of Israel says’…” 2 Samuel 12 NIV

King David quickly declared condemnation on a man because of his actions. He didn’t know the “why” behind the rich man’s decision. David only saw the heinous nature of the situation and then passed judgment. The King was soon humbled when Nathan pointed out that David was the rich man of the story!

Poor David, in his self-righteousness, he passed judgment on himself.

“Desperate Decisions,” by Marilyn Mayo Anderson, takes readers on a self-reflective journey, just as Nathan did for King David, by sharing the lives of four women. The decisions that they’ve had to make would tempt us to “speak our minds” as to how we feel that the situation should have been handled and what consequence should be applied. This too would be based only on what we “know” of the situation and not the decision maker’s thought process. How soon we all forget that none of us are perfect! But, how great it is that the Lord meekly reminds us that we were once, (well for me, more than once…tee-hee), in their shoes!

Read the entire review at, "Her Write-ful Life"

..of Am I There Yet?

2010-06-15T19:35:00.004-04:00

Weeeeellll, today, just a few hours ago, I was headed back to my house from the great super center when my son says, “Mommy! My nose is bweeding!” I wasn’t alarmed because humid weather usually provokes a nosebleed from him. So I calmly leaned over to the glove compartment, only to find that there weren’t any tissues! Then the fun began:

Me: “Aww man, no more tissues! What happened to ‘em?”

Son: “Mommy, it’s coming oooowwwwt!”

Me: “Okay son! I don’t have any tissue, give me a minute! Sit back!”

The wheels were turning in my head. I asked myself what I was gonna do, how would I do it, how did I run out of tissue, would the blood come out of the carpet, I don’t want to have to clean any blood from the vehicle, and on and on and on. Just a few seconds later I found myself releasing my seatbelt, unbuttoning my shirt, ripping it over my head, and tossing it to my son:

Me: “Here ‘Cameron,’ use this!”

Son: “I-I can use your shirt?”

Me: “Yes man, there are no tissues.”

Son: “But I going uh bweed on it!”

Me: “It’s okay, we don’t have anything else right now!”

So here I am driving up Berkley Blvd, which turns into Hwy 13 North, on my way home in a sport’s bra because the five-years-old child that I birthed, had a nose bleed “conveniently” when no tissue or some other type of something was available!

When I approached our house, I noticed that both my neighbors on either side of us and one across the street were outside…and I had groceries in the trunk! However, I played it cool as if wearing only a sport’s bra were routine for me. That’s right, with my mini-muffin top and war wounds, (stretch marks), exposed to all five of my neighbors, I smiled, waved, removed some bags from the trunk, and jiggled, (my “muffins” aren’t done yet), my way into the house where my son said to me,

“Mommy, here go your shirt. I only bweed on da front part ‘cause you haf’ta wear it.”

I just shook my head, but thought, thanks, son, you’re so thoughtful! I love you!

To read more about this handsome young man, go to "Her Write-ful Life" to purchase the book titled, "My Heart Speaks..."

...of buying "My Heart Speaks..."

2010-06-01T00:08:00.004-04:00

"My Heart Speaks..." the book, is now available for purchase!

Thank you for the support, it feels really good!

smooches,

...of a final sneak peek

2010-05-31T00:58:00.003-04:00

Make your way over to "Her Write-ful Life" to read a final excerpt of "My Heart Speaks..." before its' release on tomorrow, June 1st!

smooches,

...of lyrical expressions

2010-05-28T06:37:00.004-04:00

As the time for "My Heart Speaks..." to be released to the public approaches, I'd like to share a few songs that express how I am feeling. Thank you again, my readers, for your encouragement.

"My Heart Speaks..." will be available for sale on June 1st of 2010 in the webstore. You may reserve copies now at 'Her Write-ful Life.'

smooches,

...of two announcements

2010-05-25T10:56:00.005-04:00

1. I am honored to have been invited to appear on the Kings Chapter television show, which airs Thursday nights at 10:30 p.m. and again on Friday at 9:00 p.m. on RTN channel 10, (local network in Raleigh)! I went to Raleigh on Saturday for the recording and I will be sure to let you all know when my interview airs! A big thank you to T. Barnes and Fella for the invite!

2. "My Heart Speaks..." the book, will be available for purchase at Her Write-ful Life's webstore for $13.00, ($5.00 for shipping), on June 1st. However, as of today, you may reserve copies by leaving your name in the comment section at Her Write-ful Life.

I am very appreciative of the encouragement you all have given to me!

smooches,
Larie

...of the local UPS store will never be the same!

2010-05-22T08:57:00.002-04:00

My books arrived yesterday! It was such a great feeling. I tried to maintain an "acceptable" public image, but it just wasn't working! My UPS friends were excited with me and kindly posed for the first photo of the soon to be released book, "My Heart Speaks...!"

...of Larie

2010-05-19T21:56:00.002-04:00

I am full of emotions right now. I don't understand why. There's so much greatness surrounding me right now, yet, my emotions are negative.

I feel tired, both physically and mentally.

I feel anxious.

I feel defeated.

I feel void.

I feel like crying, but I don't know why. Therefore I won't allow the tears to flow.

I feel like yelling as loud as the Lord has equipped my voice box to do.

I want to run...away...far away.

I want to surrender.

I need to be me...

...of another excerpt invitation

2010-05-10T21:40:00.002-04:00

Hey there! The debut of my first published book, "My Heart Speaks..." is getting closer! I'd like to invite you all to read another excerpt at Her Write-ful Life.

smooches,

...of how to get "your" personalized copy of my upcoming book

2010-04-27T22:05:00.003-04:00

Hey! I've been M.I.A. for a while because I've been working on getting my first book, "My Heart Speaks..." published. As the time is drawing near for printing to be done, I would like to get everyone hyped up a bit. So, please preview the images below, leave a comment with your guess of which photo my Publicist and I selected for the back cover.

Those who select the correct image will then be entered into a drawing for a complimentary book, signed and messaged personally to the winner!

Rules:
1. One entry per person, (on this site)
2. Contest ends on Friday, April 30, 2010 at 9 p.m. Eastern time
3. Go to "Her Write-ful Life" and Facebook for another entry opportunity

Image 1:

Image 2:

Image 3:

Image 4:

Image 5:

Image 6:

Book Excerpt

2010-04-23T14:20:00.001-04:00

Check out my website, "Her Write-ful Life," for a sneak peek of my upcoming book titled, "My Heart Speaks..."

smooches,
Larie

...of the desert "ain't" nothing to be afraid of...too bad I didn't know it then

2010-03-17T06:43:00.002-04:00

…perhaps I would not have been an aimless wanderer in the desert, searching for that which doesn’t exist among mortals.
Then again, my time in the desert served its purpose.

“Remember how the LORD your God led you all the way in the desert these forty years, to humble you and to test you in order to know your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands. He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your fathers had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD. Your clothes did not wear out and your feet did not swell during these forty years. Know then in your heart that s a man disciplines his son, so the LORD your God disciplines you. Observe the commands of the LORD your God, walking in His ways and revering Him. For the LORD your God is bringing you into a good land-a land with streams and pools of water, with springs flowing in the valleys and hills; a land with wheat and barley, vines and fig trees, pomegranates, olive oil and honey; a land where bread will not be scarce and you will lack nothing; a land where the rocks are iron and you can dig copper out of the hills. When you have eaten and are satisfied, praise the LORD your God for the good land He has given you. Be careful that you do not forget the LORD your God, failing to observe His commands, His laws and His decrees…” Deuteronomy 8:2-11a NIV

Guess what y’all, (yes, I typed y’all and ain't in the title with a double negative, tee-hee); I’m in the good land. I am standing in awe at the streams. The hills are smooth, thus easy to reach the top. I am swinging on the vines and feasting on pure honey. I want for NOTHING.

...of trading dying roses for dying roses just doesn't make sense

2010-03-15T06:06:00.001-04:00

Of course not one of those men delivered my hopes. There was one who claimed he would leave his wife if I left Anton… “Yeah right dude. I don’t like you like that!” is what I should have responded, instead, I fell for his story and actually contemplated the idea. However, I soon discovered that he was not the man I wanted to be with; that would have just been going from bad to worse. We were both married and cheating on our spouses, which meant that our relationship would have been just as tainted as the current ones.

There were decisions to be made, but I did not know how to make them. I thought that I knew the right decisions, yet I still questioned myself. I didn’t want to return to my hometown but I certainly did not want to remain in my current situation either. If only I’d known then that it was God who directs me…

“I know, O LORD, that a man’s life is not his own; it is not for man to direct his steps.” Jeremiah 10:23 NIV

...of seeking nurturing for my roses

2010-03-08T06:36:00.002-05:00

I also “ignored” the adulterous rompings of my husband because revenge or no revenge, I enjoyed the pleasures of adultery as well. I can try to place the blame on revenge all I want, but it’s still infidelity that I pre-meditated. At times I questioned if I were worse than Anton since I spitefully plotted rendezvous with other men.

I was confused.

Because of this, I questioned my getting upset about another woman’s scent emitted from our roses. How dare I become upset when a masculine scent, (that did not belong to my husband), emitted from the same roses as a result of my choices!

In a more confused state of mind, I attempted to justify my matrimonial unfaithfulness by saying that I had been looking for that someone who loved me. That someone who could make me feel worthy. There had to be some male in this world who desired me in an untainted way. I was looking for affirmation. Couldn’t some guy let me know that I was loved and worthy of the best? How did I expect to such wholesomeness in the grimy way I was doing it?

Silly me, placing such potential on those who couldn’t deliver…only my Lord can do such a thing. Sadly, I did not know this then. Therefore, I sought it out from 4 errant men.

“Whoever obeys his command will come to no harm, and the wise heart will know the proper time and procedure. For there is a proper time and procedure for every matter, though a man’s misery weighs heavily upon him.” Ecclesiastes 8:5-6 NIV

...of an unworthy thorn

2010-03-05T06:13:00.002-05:00

The thorn of sexual abuse caused feelings of unworthiness. I Believe this is why sometimes, instead of seeking revenge, I “ignored” Anton’s adulterous acts. My thinking was, “It’s a man thing. Men have to have sex at any cost.” I thought that I was damaged and was expected to accept nothing good. I wasn’t worthy of better…or so I thought.

“…Who can discern his errors? Forgive my hidden faults. Keep Your servant from willful sins; may they not rule over me. Then I will be blameless, innocent of great transgression… Psalm 19 NIV

...of what was hidden

2010-03-04T06:27:00.003-05:00

…hiding our thorns that we tried to ignore. Teenage promiscuity, sexual abuse, and low self-esteem are a few of the thorns that I wanted to hide. How could I have thought that I wouldn’t be confronted by the things of my past? By far am I using these things as a crutch, but I should have known better. Why did I try to pretend that my rose was without thorns by placing them in a vase?

...of vases, masks, and whitewashed tombs

2010-03-02T06:10:00.002-05:00

Jolting me from the pit of “What If?” the thorns spoke to me. “We’ve always been here. You knew that we were here, but because you were ashamed of us, here, in a vase we were hidden.” My eyes released heavy droplets at the thorns’ conviction. They were right, I’ve always known that roses bear thorns, but I needed to pretend that they weren’t there and I didn’t want other people to know that they were there either. So, into the vase, a faulty mask of perfection, they went…

“Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of dead men’s bones and everything unclean. In the same way, on the outside you appear to people as righteous but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness.” Matthew 23:27-28 NIV

...of thorns against our palms

2010-02-24T06:38:00.001-05:00

…I assumed that the thorns were removed at time of purchase. “What if we hadn’t put them in a vase because we wanted to hold them in our hands, those thorns would have pricked our palms?” I thought.

THAT’S IT! Perhaps we should have physically held on to them; then once we tried to offer the rose to someone else, he/she would have seen the scars and blood that the thorns had caused. Better yet, maybe Anton and I would have appreciated the sacredness of our roses more had we been able to visibly see our scarred, bloodied palms; serving as a way out of the temptation, (1 Corinthians 10:13). Then again, maybe not because I know, for me, as spiteful as I had been, I would have nonchalantly washed my hands of the blood just for the few moments of physical pleasure, which I thought was meant only for revenge.

“…All men are like grass, and all their glory is like the flowers of the field. The grass withers and the flowers fall, because the breath of the LORD blows on them. Surely the people grass. The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of our God stands forever.” Isaiah 40:1-8 NIV

...of what the vase concealed

2010-02-23T05:49:00.001-05:00

In spite of our “vision,” the demise of our roses had begun. We watered them and vowed to pay more attention to our beautiful roses. Still, they wilted. So more water was rushed into the vase and we drew the shades to allow added sunlight into our home. Vainly, they continued to die. Yet again, abundantly hopeful, we moved the vase closer to the window, “Perhaps it’s just too far away,” we thought. Then roses instigated escape from the vase again, which caused the unsuccessful attempts at reclaiming their station.

I then accepted that maybe the roses did not want to be saved. Therefore, I removed them from the vase at which time I noticed the thorns…

...of the scent of a rose

2010-02-22T05:45:00.002-05:00

…who made me feel as if those roses purposed to be shared. My masculine recipient deeply inhaled the lustful aromatics emitted from my roses. Anton’s recipient claimed to have been my friend. I watched her eyes as they danced around our vase many times. I even noticed the changing pitch of her voice when she complimented them; but she was my “friend.”

Once neither Anton nor I could continue to “act like” the vacant spots in our vase did not trouble us, we confessed and decided to put the roses back where they belonged. However, the showcase didn’t look the same; the slightly worn roses were out of place. Equally disturbing was that the scent of one rose reminded me of my sinful pleasure, which tempted me to remove it for “just one more time,” while the lingering stench of another harked back the reality of another chick enjoying my rose, which infuriated me.

Still, trying to ignore the unusual placement of our matrimonial roses and haunting aromatics, we “saw” them falling back into place.

“Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” This is what the ancients were commended for. By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God’s command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible…By faith Noah, when warned about things not yet seen, in holy fear built an ark to save his family…By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going.” Hebrews 11:1-8 NIV

...of a rose for "you"

2010-02-19T05:31:00.002-05:00

Every now and then I’d realize that a rose or two had gone missing from our bouquet. I asked Anton had they died, causing him to trash the roses. At first he acted offended at such an accusation, but after more investigation, it came to pass that he’d given the roses to some other chick. Emotionally scarred, and falling further into my state of self-abasement, I too offered our lovely roses, which were meant to be sacredly exclusive, to someone else…

"Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexual immoral." Hebrews 13:4 NIV

...of it can happen to "you"

2010-02-18T06:16:00.002-05:00

4. Lastly, never-EVER, think, say, or act as if it couldn’t happen to you.

I know we’ve all heard someone say, “Ain’t no way that would be me!” in reference to another person’s situation. I’ll even say that we ourselves are guilty of such a thing as well. It’s very easy to observe the maturation period of a friend and offer suggestions such as, “If it were me, I would…” or “Well what you need to do is…”

Of course when Anton & I married the possibility of infidelity had not crossed my mind. I mean really, we were “in love.” Our relationship had been a bouquet of fully bloomed roses, which were presented in the most beautiful vase. Their hypnotic aromatics sent me to a make-believe floral shop; first mistake, roses do not originate in man-owned & operated flower shops.

“See how the lilies of the FIELD grow.” Matthew 6:28 NIV

...of unavoidable consequences

2010-02-17T05:42:00.003-05:00

3. Everyone involved must be man/woman enough to admit his or her offenses. It is also imperative that no one attempts to escape the consequences.

Previously, I listed a few consequences of adultery. These are not random ideas; each one is a consequence that I’ve endured. Keep in mind that these things happened before my submission to Christ but now in Christ, I am able to look back and understand what things done in the dark will come to the light means. So brazen at one time I use to say, “Well what if the lights were on?” so sad, so ignorant, so disrespectful.

Either way, adultery and discretion cannot cohabitate.

...of I guess it was just the eye of the "storm"

2010-02-02T10:33:00.004-05:00

Hey there! I thought that I was ready to get back into our, "When A Girl Prays For Patience: Age of Adultery" series, however, it seems that the "storm" is not over as I thought. Our babygirl, "Janelle", has suffered from multiple ear infections since her birth in May of 2008. Each time she was given an antibiotic and the fever, cough and runny nose all clear up, however, the fluid remains in her ear but uninfected.

So within a week of completing the antibiotics, the cycle starts all over again...cough, runny nose, fever..."Janelle" just completed a 10-days antibiotic on 28 January for an ear infection and at her follow up appointment they stated that there is still fluid there but it is NOT infected. Well, she's coughing and has the runny nose right now and I am not waiting until the fever hits again and so one.

Therefore, she has a doctor's appointment today and I have decided that I will just sit there until they take a closer look at what's going on with my babygirl and I am not accepting more antibiotics for her. She's only a year old and has already been filled with antibiotics four to five times.

I ask that you all pray really really really hard and continue to be patient with me and lacking posts for this time.

Thanks a bunch, I love and MISS you all!

smooches,
Larie

...umbrellas and maybe waders too

2010-01-21T20:48:00.003-05:00

They say, (whomever "They" are), "When it rains it pours..."

Well, could someone please get me a massive umbrella?

Today I was notified that my baby-sister, who is 22, has a brain tumor located at the base of her spine. If operated on, it could cripple her. But, if it continues to grow and press on her spine...it could cripple her.

Another female family member is awaiting biopsy results from a mass that is located in one of her breast.

...of breaking for bereavement

2010-01-20T22:37:00.003-05:00

My Cherished Friends,

Due to a death in our family, I will not be posting for the remainder of the week. I am uncertain about posts for next week at the moment, but I will keep you all informed.

Thanks a bunch for the support you all provide here at "My Heart Speaks..."

smooches,
Larie

...of handling "it"

2010-01-18T10:38:00.000-05:00

3. Everyone involved must be man/woman enough to admit his or her offenses. It is also imperative that no one attempts to escape the consequences.

Why is it so hard to admit wrongdoing? Admission does not require a lengthy epistle or speech. We all know when we’ve done something wrong, so just say it. It does, however, require humility. Get out of your own way by removing arrogance from your countenance. Lastly, if you are not sorry, DON’T SAY IT! You’re already in a “position,” so do not heighten it with empty apologies.

For the one hearing the admission, be patient and do not force an admission. Because it is hard for some folk to say, “I was wrong,” sometimes it may take awhile for the complete confession. No one wants to be wrong and no one definitely wants to admit to it! Also, as crazy as it may read, do not “go off!” Your reaction sets the tone for the remaining confession and any others that may come later. To help keep you “on,” during the confession, mentally make a confession at the same time. Remember, you’re not perfect either. King David brought judgment on himself. He had forgotten about his imperfections, 2 Samuel 12:1-25.

Stay or leave? Which of the two do you do? For you, I do not know, but deliver it with audacious confidence and follow-thru with the decision. Yeah, you’ll be tempted to ask other people what you should do, but save yourself from the confusion, finger-pointing, fear, wavering opinions and so on; pray, pay attention to “opportunities” and make your decision.

Finally, the warranted consequences cannot be dodged. They will come in various unwanted forms; STD’s, pregnancy, jail-time, financial binds, or charges on your record. Whatever the consequence is, it is NOT to be the decision maker! Yes, they do provide assistance, but you must not act on them.

...of A Major Apology

2010-01-08T16:37:00.002-05:00

I-AM-SO-SORRY!!! Please, please forgive me if I have offended any of you all with the song titled 'Best I Ever Had' on my playlist! I just now realized that it was up there! All week long it has been there and no one said anything to me about it!!! Oh no!

The song has been removed.

Again, I sincerely apologize and ask for your forgiveness.

Thank you,

Larie

...of I'm sure she meant no harm, but...

2010-01-08T16:20:00.004-05:00

Okay, why did my six-years-old daughter just say to me, "Mommy, did they have finger nail polish back then?" (speaking of my childhood)

A little offended, but calmly, I responded, "Yes." I then waited for her to say something else but she just walked away.

What made her say such a thing? I really wanted to respond, "Look lil' girl, I ain't but 31! What do you mean back then!"

She's Anton's first born...

...of What's My Motivation

2010-01-08T08:01:00.004-05:00

2. In my opinion; adultery is the most difficult test of faith; you believe God or you don’t; one is motivated to be Christ-like or not.

Of course many people have asked, “How do you do it? Why don’t you leave him?” Well, I have contemplated leaving-A LOT. But then, those ooey-gooey feelings that I had for Anton took over. I wanted to believe the best in him. I wanted to believe that he didn’t purposely set out to view pornography and/or have sex with another woman, and again, it’s not about me.

These occurrences of adultery have been very difficult. Thoughts of inadequacy use to consume me. I felt no self-worth. Without releasing Anton from any responsibility, it doesn’t help that he is in the military. We have to be physically separated from time to time in order for him to fulfill certain duties that are commanded by the Air Force. Even though one of the Air Force’s core values is, “Integrity First,” there ain’t much of it. When I first heard, “What goes on a TDY stays TDY,” (TDY: Temporary Duty which is anytime the service member has to fulfill obligations at another base that is not considered their “home station.” Family members do no accompany the service member on these trips), it disgusted me. It came across as if we, (spouses), were being told to deal with it and also telling the active duty member that it’s “okay” to engage in inappropriate sexual activities because of the circumstances!

Next, I had to prove to myself that I believed God’s word where it says, “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6 NIV (By the way, Warren Baldwin profoundly offers encouragement in doing so in his book, “Roaring Lions, Cracking Rocks, and Other Gems from Proverbs.” He says on page 86, “Would the people trust God so completely that they would not plant their crops and would allow the land to lie at rest? Would they obey God? That was a great test! At least three spiritual attitudes would be necessary for the people to obey. They would need to be faithful. They would need to trust God and obey Him whether it made sense to them or not! Secondly…” and also on pages 159-160 Brother Baldwin touches on the very scripture I used above…GET-THE-BOOK!) Either I trust that my earthly marriage is an image of my eternal marriage with the Lord, “…This is a profound mystery-but I am talking about Christ and the church… Ephesians 5:22-33 NIV, or I fall prey to the spiritual ignorance of some who have said to me, “Yeah, but God don’t cheat on you!”

Then there’s my effort of wanting to live up to the eternal rewarding challenge of being Christ-like. “…You have heard of Job’s perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy…James 5:7-12 NIV. But don’t get it twisted, I’m no fool-hearted doormat, Anton is learning this as the Lord is taking care of it. In the light of these words, I am not saying that I wouldn’t give up, but I have tried not to.

Lastly, I recall when I was "caught" in the act of adultery and faced the possibilty of being "stoned..." (John 8:1-11)

“…and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade-kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. THESE HAVE COME SO THAT YOUR FAITH- OF GREATER WORTH THAN GOLD, WHICH PERISHES EVEN THOUGH REFINED BY FIRE-MAY BE PROVED GENUINE AND MAY RESULT IN PRAISE, GLORY AND HONOR WHEN JESUS CHRIST IS REVEALED…and even though you do not see Him now, you believe in Him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls… Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed…But just as He who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: ‘Be holy because I am holy…’ For you have been born again, not of perishable seed, but of imperishable, through the living and enduring word of God… 1 Peter 1:3-25 NIV

Please note: I will not be blogging next week. It’s time for a break so that I may prepare to allow you all to hear more of what, “My Heart Speaks…”

smooches,
Larie

...of Releasing Yourself

2010-01-07T06:20:00.001-05:00

The sins of another person are never about “you.” I use to question myself concerning Anton’s pornography and encounters with other women; “What am I not doing to make him do this? Why aren’t I woman enough for him? Why can’t he be faithful to me? I’m his wife, he owes it to me!”

I have realized that my concern was for me, not Anton’s soul. My concerns were selfish, when in fact none of it had anything to do with me at all. This is Anton’s race. I’m supposed to be the spectator, rooting for his successful completion in first place, and when he needs water along the way-I got it, (“Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself. Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else, for each one should carry his own burden. Anyone who receives instruction in the word must share all good things with his instructor.” Galatians 6:1-6 NIV)

So you see, self-entitlement has no place in adultery. Do not beat yourself up by trying to figure out if you are the cause or what you can do differently. IT’S-NOT-ABOUT-YOU! Also, if you are the casualty of adultery, (pornographic or third-party involvement), and you long for it to stop, your reasoning should be Christ-centered. I’m not saying that your feelings do not matter because yes, there are times I still fall back into self-entitlement where Anton’s first commitment, which is to God, is not my concern, but we all have to remember that our goal is eternity.

“When tempted, no one should say, ‘God is tempting me.’ For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does He tempt anyone; but each one is tempted when by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.” James 1:13-15 NIV

...of...Opportunities Arised

2010-01-06T06:36:00.002-05:00

Just as soon as Solomon could complete his request for wisdom from the Lord, he was provided with an opportunity to exercise it.

“Now two prostitutes came to the king and stood before him. One of them said, ‘My lord, this woman and I live in the same house. I had a baby while she was there with me. The third day after my child was born, this woman also had a baby. We were alone; there was no one in the house but the two of us. During the night this woman’s son died because she lay on him. So she got up in the middle of the night and took my son from my side while I your servant was asleep. She put him by her breast and put her dead son by my breast. The next morning, I got up to nurse my son-and he was dead! But when I looked at him closely in the morning light, I saw that it wasn’t the son I had borne.’ The other woman said, ‘No! The living one is my son; the dead one is yours.’ But the first one insisted, ‘No! The dead one is yours; the living one is mine.’ And so they argued before the king. The king said, ‘This one says, ‘My son is alive and your son is dead,’ while that one says, ‘No! Your son is dead and mine is alive.’’ Then the king said, ‘Bring me a sword.’ So they brought a sword for the king. He then gave and order: ‘Cut the living child in two and give half to one and half to the other.’ The woman whose son was alive was filled with compassion for her son and said to the king, ‘Please, my lord, give her the living baby! Don’t kill him!’ But the other said, ‘Neither I nor you shall have him. Cut him in two!’ Then the king gave his ruling: ‘Give the living baby to the first woman. Do not kill him; she is his mother.’ When all Israel heard the verdict the king had given, they held the king in awe, because they saw that he had wisdom from God to administer justice.” 1 Kings 3:16-28 NIV

Some folk who have heard pieces of this story already have asked, “How in the world do you put up with this?” Well, sometimes I do and sometimes I don’t.

02 June 2006

“Oh yes, God blessed me w/the right heart, Anton looked @ porn last night! I could have gotten real ignorant on him, but the Lord has blessed me w/the right heart & maturity to hug & kiss my husband, & tell him yes I forgive him after he asked me to. So now I thank God for this right heart & continue to pray for Anton that he not fall into satan’s temptation & that he call on God when he’s being tempted, that his eyes are fully opened to the way out that God is providing for him & that he take it.”

Now, I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t tell y’all about the “bad” as well. I was not always so supportive and forgiving. I did get frustrated and reacted in ugly ways…

28 September 2006

“Lord I can’t do this by myself. I need, I WANT Your help! Help me dear Lord please help me Father. Take it over Lord, it’s Yours. I give it over to You, the only One who can handle it. I surrender for real. I am sitting still & waiting for Your instruction. Forgive me Father, but I needYou. I am surrendering. I lift my hands to You & Your will. In my Savior’s Holy name, Amen. I’m done, I can’t, I won’t, & I don’t want to fight You anymore God, I’m sorry.”

14 October 2006

“Anton looked @ porn on 02 Oct & our anniversary was on 04 Oct! I was livid! I cursed, hit & kicked. Not the right heart. I got ugly. Not good, I am disappointed in myself. I want to change but I don’t, but I know I need to, but I feel like it’s too late. Arrrrghhhh!!!”

“…Moreover, I will give you what you have not asked for-both riches and honor-so that in your lifetime you will have no equal among kings. And if you walk in My ways and obey My statutes and commands as David your father did, I will give you a long life.” 1 Kings 3:13-14 NIV

...of Because I asked...

2010-01-05T05:59:00.002-05:00

1. Acquiring patience through adultery has proven to be extremely trying. Whether you’re the adulterer or casualty of adultery, getting beyond it requires a major sacrifice of self-entitlement.

24 April 2006

“I pray that Anton trust me to share his weaknesses, failings, shortcomings with. I pray that I accept those things, understand, & forgive. I pray that I love him for him. I pray that I be his number one source of encouragement. I want him to believe that I believe in him. I pray that I allow him to be the man God created him to be. That I not be a hindrance for him, that I be encouraging & supportive.”

27 April 2006

“Father give me the right heart to support Anton & his struggles rather than judge & tear him down. Let me not try to change him. I want to support Anton in the way he needs to be supported. I want to help him fight his temptations instead of fighting him.”

The Lord will do what you ask. It may not be the way you envision, but He will do it…

“At Gibeon the LORD appeared to Solomon in a dream by night; and God said, ‘Ask! What shall I give you?’ And Solomon said: ‘You have shown great mercy to Your servant David my father, because he walked before You in truth, in righteousness, and in uprightness of heart with You; You have continued this great kindness for him, and You have given him a son to sit on his throne, as it is this day. Now, O LORD my God, You have made Your servant king instead of my father David, but I am a little child; I do not know how to go out or come in. And Your servant is in the midst of Your people whom You have chosen, a great people, too numerous to be numbered or counted. Therefore give to Your servant an understanding heart to judge Your people, that I may discern between good and evil. For who is able to judge this great people of Yours?’ The speech pleased the LORD, that Solomon had asked this thing. Then God said to him: ‘Because you have asked this thing, and have not asked long life for yourself, nor have asked for riches for yourself, nor have asked the life or your enemies, but have asked for yourself understanding to discern justice, behold, I have done according to your word; see I have given you a wise and understanding heart, so that there has not been anyone like you before you, nor shall any like you arise after you…’ 1 Kings 3:5-12 And God gave Solomon wisdom and exceedingly great understanding, and largeness of heart like the sand on the seashore. 1 Kings 4:29 NKJV

...of An Abridgment of Adultery

2010-01-04T06:25:00.001-05:00

Acquiring patience through adultery has proven to be extremely trying. Whether you’re the adulterer or casualty of adultery, getting beyond it requires a major sacrifice of self-entitlement. In my opinion; adultery is the most difficult test of faith; you believe God or you don’t; one is motivated to be Christ-like or not. Everyone involved must be man/woman enough to admit his or her offenses. It is also imperative that no one attempts to escape the consequences. Lastly, never-EVER, think, say, or act as if it couldn’t happen to you.

“One evening David got up from his bed and walked around on the roof of the palace. From the roof he saw a woman bathing. The woman was very beautiful, and David sent someone to find out about her. The man said, ‘Isn’t this Bathsheba, the daughter of Eliam and the wife of Uriah the Hittite?’ The David sent messengers to get her. She cam to him, and he slept with her. (She had purified herself from her uncleanness.) Then she went back home. The woman conceived and sent word to David, saying, ‘I am pregnant.’ So David sent this word to Joab: ‘Send me Uriah the Hittite.’ And Joab sent him to David…” 2 Samuel 11:2-6 NIV

...of what I've learned

2009-12-30T01:38:00.001-05:00

In depression, Larie has learned that…

…DEPRESSION-IS-REAL!

…”it” can happen to me, and “it” did happen to me

…it is not wise to pray for patience. Instead, I pray that I utilize the strength that I have

…humility teachings are embarrassing, much needed, and taught by God in such awesome & creative ways

Bunches of thanks to you all for reading and commenting about this portion of my life as a result of praying for patience. Next week begins a new segment of refined patience, “When a Girl Prays for Patience: The Age of Adultery.”

“Be careful to follow every command I am giving you today, so that you may live and increase and may enter and possess the land that the LORD promised on oath to your forefathers. Remember how the LORD your God led you all the way in the desert these forty years, to humble you and to test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep His commands. He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your fathers had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD. Your clothes did not wear out and your feet did not swell during these forty years. Know then in your heart that as a man disciplines his son, so the LORD your God disciplines you. Observe the commands of the LORD your God, walking in His ways and revering Him. For the LORD your God is bringing into a good land –a land with streams and pools of water, with springs flowing in the valleys and hills; a land with wheat and barley, vines and dig trees, pomegranates, olive oil and honey; a land where bread will not be scarce and you will lack nothing; a land where the rocks are iron and you can dig copper out of the hills.” Deuteronomy 8:1-9 NIV

...of in closing

2009-12-29T02:21:00.001-05:00

January 7, 2010 marks the third year of my taking Anti-Depressants. Since that time, the dosage has been increased twice. I began with 50mg. Three weeks ago was the most recent upgrade to 100mg. I’ve also been seeing a Therapist since January of this year. I began with an appointment twice a month. Our insurance notified me by mail that my Therapist has requested I come twice a week.

The intent of sharing this is to inform others about the reality of depressed Christians; maybe even to hopefully encourage compassion as a gift from those of you who aren’t depressed, to those of us who are. Also, I feel that it is important for me to disclose these lessons because none of them have been about me. The things that I have the honor of experiencing are for the manifestation of God’s power and for “your” benefit. Lastly, so that all may know that it-is-hard, and there will be times when giving up seems appropriate in your mind, but, recall what you have read here at “My Heart Speaks…” and DO-NOT-GIVE-UP!

I, we, feel alone quite often.

I, we, believe that no one understands.

I, we, try to live up to the “Christians are perfect” stereotype.

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, Who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort. We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about the hardships we suffered in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, Who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and He will deliver us. On Him we have set our hope that He will continue to deliver us, as you help us BY-YOUR-PRAYERS, (emphasis Larie’s). Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many.” 2 Corinthians 1:3-11 NIV

... of humble service

2009-12-28T01:01:00.000-05:00

At the passing of a few months after beginning the Anti-Depressants, I continued to feel great!

11 April 2007

“Oh Lord I thank You again for sending Sister ****** to encourage & teach me as requested. I know that at first I questioned if it were her that You sent because my specifics had not been met, I’m sorry & I thank You for not taking the blessing away from me as a result of that. On Monday night, 09 April 2007, at Ladies Bible Study, Sister ****** told me that she is proud of me & that she sees a mighty spirit in me that’s high & of God. I’m paraphrasing, but I was shocked because I’d just explained to everyone that I am a “poor me” person. She stated that she sees You Lord doing great things in me. I see myself as making You look bad because of how I act. She so lovingly assured me that it’s the outcome You see. I just wanted to thank You again for her & her undeserved praise. Another Sister said that I’m Sister “Rochelle,” (an awesome woman of God who patiently walks with me through this journey)! Now that one was shocking as well, I truly do not deserve that comment either. I read in the journal for Tuesday that pride bars the way & shuts You out. Lord anytime I become proud, humble me Lord and may I learn from it. Thank You for allowing me this pleasure of being washed in Your blood, Amen.”

“The apostles said the Lord, ‘Increase our faith!’ He replied, ‘If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, ‘Be uprooted and planted in the sea,’ and it will obey you. Suppose one of your had a servant plowing or looking after the sheep. Would he say to the servant when he comes in from the field, ‘Come along now and sit down to eat’? Would he not rather say, ‘Prepare my supper, get yourself ready and wait on me while I eat and drink; after that you may eat and drink?’ Would he thank the servant because he did what he was told to do? So you also, when you have done everything you were told to do, should say, ‘We are unworthy servants’ we have only done our duty.,” Luke 17:5-10 NIV

...of, What It's Really All About

2009-12-23T00:15:00.001-05:00

"Catch up"

…Anton e-mailed the Doctor, informing her that we decided to accept the Selective Seratonin Reuptake Inhibitor. She called some time later, offering me the choice of which one I wanted and then told me that my prescription would be available in about an hour. The Doctor also instructed me to follow-up with her in a month. My husband picked the medication up on his way home from work that same evening.

Still doubting depression’s validity, especially for a Christian, I had a hard time taking the first pill. My husband sat with me on the couch as my hesitant hand started for my mouth. I felt that if I put the pill in my mouth then I would become, “one of those people,” who used depression and its’ medication as a crutch. I was literally fighting with myself to put that pill in my mouth. “I can’t do it! I’m scared!” My hand came to my mouth and then stopped at least four times! One of those times I even put the pill back into the bottle and said that I would wait until the next day to start! Anton told me that I was making it harder than it was. He also reasoned that if I wanted to be healed, I had to swallow that pill. Arguably, my rebuttal was, “Why can’t it be enough that I got the pills? Isn’t that something? Why do I have to actually take them?” He then referred to the invalid man in John 5:1-9.

Of course I didn’t get it at that moment and my comment, “I’m at the pool; I’m in the pool!” proved my spiritual ignorance again. My humble husband sadly shook his head and said, “Okay Larie.” Perplexed, I asked him if that was it, he replied that it was and he went upstairs. I was expecting more coaching from him, but he gave me up to God again.

After a few minutes alone, the pill found it’s way into my mouth and I then withdrew upstairs to tell Anton. In the morning, energy rushed me throughout the day. Happiness clouded my thoughts; I was smiling! Blessings. Our children were now, in my sight, blessings. They were not in my way, burdensome or sucking the life out of me. I didn’t feel as if I were stuck at home and missing out on something. Fatigue, hopelessness and loss of motivation for things I was passionate about, went away. It was awesome to feel this way!

In the evening at a weekly meeting with our mentor, I mentioned how well I felt and stated that I’d began to think that surely the Anti-depressants couldn’t be working that quickly. Sister “Mentor” waved her finger at me and told me that we were not going to go down that road of doubt! Knowing this already, I agreed with her and stated that I had changed my mind shortly after that thought and had thanked God.

Retrospection has allowed me to understand that my submission was to God, not the Anti-depressants. Yes, I do physically have to put a pill into my mouth everyday; however, they are not the cure for my depression. My healing comes from faith and obedience to God. In my thinking, the pills are just a daily tangible reminder of humility.

“I will extol the LORD at all times; His praise will always be on my lips. My soul will boast in the LORD; let the afflicted hear and rejoice. Glorify the LORD with me; let us exalt His name together. I sought the LORD, and He answered me; He delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to Him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame. This poor man called, and the LORD heard him; He saved him out of all his troubles. The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear Him, and He delivers them…The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit…The LORD redeems His servants; no one will be condemned who takes refuge in Him.” Psalm 34 NIV

...of submission

2009-12-22T00:03:00.002-05:00

After our lunch:

07 January 07
It is her. Thank You LORD for opening my eyes although I had them glued shut! I was in awe when You revealed her to me. Continue to guide this relationship LORD, make it what You need it to be & use it for Your glory. May we both & others be blessed by it. Thank You my Encourager! The things she shared w/me, LORD I know only You had something to do w/us getting together. She is the one You’ve sent to use to help me, thank You!

Later in the day, I babysat for another Sister who I was pretty close with. However, I hadn’t shared the Physicians Anti-Depressant suggestion with her. She felt as if something was “up” with me so she asked, “What’s going on with you?” I told her about the decision I had to make and why I didn’t want to take the medication. Without a second thought, she said, “Larie. Stop being a baby and just take the meds. It’s not that big-a-deal!” She had taken two different types of Anti-depressants at separate times but had been done with them for 18 months. Again, that moment deserved the white light and those angelic voices. After all that running from God’s command, I submitted…

“But Jonah ran away from the LORD and headed for Tarshish…Jonah obeyed the word of the LORD and went to Nineveh.” Jonah 1-3 NIV

...of, I don't usually "get it" the first time

2009-12-21T09:50:00.005-05:00

(I've temporarily removed the playlist so that I could feature another song, which I feel is more appropirate for this post. Please click here to listen to Sara Groves', "Hello Lord." Thanks.)

Previously...

24 November 06

LORD, Sister ****** came & sat next to me at the fellowship yesterday. She didn’t say anything to me. LORD please don’t be mad at me, but You gotta give me something more than that. I mean please really don’t get mad, but can You please be a bit more obvious? Is she who You have sent? I’m just afraid of making the wrong decision again.

Before Anton and I succumbed to slumber that night, I told him what happened and how I felt about it. He looked at me with such disappointment and asked if I were throwing fleece before God. “NO!” I told him, and said that I just wanted to be sure. Anton then asked me what was I expecting God to do. Jokingly, I said that I wanted Sister ****** to radiate with a pure white light and hear angelic voices singing, “AAAAAHHHHHH.” With that, Sister ****** opens her mouth to say, “I am the one.” With a huff, my husband shook his head and retreated under the covers. Either Anton didn’t get the joke or he just didn’t think that it was funny!

03 January 2006

“Lord, we will be meeting for lunch today. I’m asking for Your guidance in this. Is she the one?”

Our time together was awesome! If a movie is made about our lunch, I will insist that a white light be shone and those angelic voices be heard! Sister ****** told me that she wanted to get to know me and serve God however she needed. With that introduction, she began sharing her life. From childhood to marriage to children of their own to her current fight with, DEPRESSION!

My food was wasted. I couldn’t eat anymore. I became engrossed in Sister ****** transparency and God’s scheduling. “How awesome,” I thought, this Sister was sharing such private information with me! Man, it didn’t seem as if she had a concern about what I may have thought about her or if I’d “leak” her story. Sister ****** had served the LORD by unmasking herself. Our time together walked through my mind for a few days.

“…If now I have found favor in Your eyes, give me a sign that it is really You talking to me…Then Gideon said to God, ‘Do not be angry with me. Let me make just one more request. Allow me one more test with the fleece…” Judges 6:11-40 NIV

...of I'm that type of chick who gotta be sure

2009-12-17T00:02:00.002-05:00

Anton had not been pressuring me to make a decision about taking an Anti-Depressant. Instead, he occasionally inquired about my feelings towards it. Righteously, I told him that if I were really depressed and needed medication, God would let me know. Perception after the fact, I know that it frustrated Anton, but he chose not to say anything more about it; I needed to learn on my own.

She had arrived! The woman whom I begged God to send for me came to Misawa in August of 2006. So how come I didn’t know this until 2007? The family, consisting of 6 members, attended morning worship service and introduced themselves. After evening worship, the wife suggested that she and I get together and talk. She said all this with an inviting smile and a sincere touch on my arm. A bit freaked out, (what could she possibly have to talk to me about after arriving so recently?), I told her that we were about to leave for vacation so I’d see about it once we returned. Avoiding this Sister until I could, “figure her out,” became an obstinate purpose when we got back to Japan.

3 months later…

22 November 06

“Oh Father God. Encourager, LORD is it Sister ****** who You have chosen to provide comfort, companionship, encouragement, guidance and example to me? Have You, LORD, chosen Sister ****** for me to trust the issues of my heart with? Is it her LORD who You want me to look to as my spiritual role model? Have You chosen Sister ****** to use for me? Father I ask You to please LORD reveal her true heart & true intention to me. Show me LORD that she is trustworthy & here to do Your work. LORD I’m hesitant, don’t know why, well yes I do, I see a pattern w/the people I choose, the are not on my level, not trying to puff myself up, but I want to learn & be encouraged. Not discouraged. So LORD, this time I’m letting You choose, but please LORD You have to make it clear to me, blatantly clear. I give this over to You, if this relationship is part of Your will, make it happen. As a matter of fact, I’m turning all my relationships over to You, I’m going to let You God make the relationships, just please allow me a clear vision to see it. Amen

Cocky huh? Also very ignorant because I truly had no idea what I was petitioning the Lord for! Not once did I seek to find out what I could do for this family. Nevertheless, God, (in between His laughter I’m sure), cultivated the relationship…

“Then the mother of Zebedee’s sons came to Jesus with her sons and, kneeling down, asked a favor of Him. ‘What is it you want?’ He asked. She said, ‘Grant that one of these two sons of mine may sit at Your right and the other at Your left in Your kingdom.’ ‘You don’t know what you are asking,’ Jesus said to them. ‘Can you drink the cup I am going to drink?’…just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life as a ransom for many.” Matthew 20:20-28 NIV

...of praying for some company

2009-12-16T01:32:00.002-05:00

Now I’ve got to explain something to you all. During the year of 2006, I kept two journals. One was specifically for prayer and the other served as my place of “rambling.” It was kind of a documentation of my life post-cancer diagnosis. I have failed to properly inform you all of which journal entries I had been using. Therefore, this journal entry may seem out of place because in “Who Made Me Do It?” I mentioned that the year was coming to an end and I’d prayed for a new attitude in the New Year. Well, looking back at my prayer journal, I see that that prayer actually began in June of 2006…

“…I know I ain’t the only one going crazy. Somebody else got’ to know what I’m talking ‘bout and can tell me what to do.” With that, on 13 June 2006, I asked God to please send spiritual role models to Misawa for our family. I made my request as specific as possible. These role models had to be faithful to the Lord, sincerely lead by example, teach Anton and I how to be husband and wife in the way that God intended and that they taught us how to use our talents in the Body of Christ. To be even more specific, I demanded that God have these spiritual roles models to be within our peer group, no more than five to seven hears older than us and with children in our children’s peer group as well.

Sometime in August, they arrived. But, because of my specific details and “give it to me my way” attitude, I did not realize this answered prayer until AFTER the New Year! I’d also taken scripture and made it fit what I wanted…

“…Have faith in God, ‘Jesus answered.’ I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, Go, throw yourself into the sea, and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.” Mark 11:22-24 NIV

Can’t you see how I just knew that I’d get exactly what I asked for? :)

...of who "made" me do it?

2009-12-15T06:23:00.002-05:00

…the liability of my actions elsewhere. 2006 approached its end, as well I.

Anton “made” me go off on him when he said or did, ummm, well, just pick something. He’s forever doing something! (tee-hee)

"First-born" “made” me tell her that my name wasn’t mommy. To which she replied, “Ms-arie,” (she was trying to say Ms. Larie…smart-tail!). Funny how I replay it in my mind and it sounds as if she’s saying misery…hmmm.

"Second-born" “made” me not want to ever have another child…especially not a boy! Had he been born first, he’d be an only child! (giggles)

The three of them together “made” me contemplate running away before allowing them to complete their plan of visiting me in a white-padded room, gilded in a lavish ensemble that is similar to a jacket, which ingeniously allows me to overpower myself with hugs all-day-long! (Is it okay that I just made myself laugh?)

The lady at the sub shop “made” me speak rather lofty to her after she “barked” at me about them not being open for another three minutes. All I said when I approached the counter was, “Excuse me…” and she cut me off with her “barking.” Guess what? My initial reason for “bothering” her before their BIG three-minute opening was simply to ask her if they opened at 10 or 1030! Yeeeah. I know. Ironic ain’t it?

The man in the commissary’s deli “made” me spout out obscenities at him because my order was M.I.A.

A cashier in the exchange “made” me go to customer service, request a refund and speak with a manager. Someone needed to know that they had to better train their employees on the knack of scanning retail items! It was quite irritating for me to go back into the store after realizing I’d been overcharged. I purchased three candles, but my receipt showed four. Y’all, the stinkin’ candles were only .23 cents!!!

I remember thinking, “Why is God letting these people “make” me show-off?”

Hopes of positive heart changes in the New Year rested before the Lord in prayer.

“When tempted, no one should say, ‘God is tempting me.’ For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does He tempt anyone; but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death. Don’t be deceived, my dear brothers.” James 1:13-16 NIV

“Make a tree good and its fruit will be good, or make a tree bad and its fruit will be bad, for a tree is recognized by its fruit. You brood of vipers, how can you who are evil say anything good? For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him. But I tell you that men will have to give account on the day of judgment for every careless word they have spoken. For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned.” Matthew 12:33-37 NIV

...of, "This Just In"

2009-12-14T05:45:00.008-05:00

Please pardon the interruption of "When a Girl Prays for Patience: An Epoch of Depression." However, it is our congenial duty, here at "My Heart Speaks...," to keep our readers updated on our behind-the-scenes happenings.

If you are not a parent of a boy, the following image may seem "disturbing" due to the lack of understanding of one's son being referred to as being "all boy."

"Cameron", "Anton's son," spilled his yogurt on the floor. He has been taught to clean up after himself; therefore, he laid in the floor and used himself as a towel to do just that! The accused mother of "Cameron" would not comply with our request for a full interview. However, further questioning her involvement of the existence of "this child," Larie said that "Cameron" is "Anton's son."

Now back to your regularly scheduled reading...

"Unless the LORD builds the house, its builders labor in vain. Unless the LORD watches over the city, the watchmen stand gurad in vain. In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat-for He grants sleep to those He loves. Sons are a heritage from the LORD, children a reward from Him. LIke arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one's youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their enemies in the gate." Psalm 127 NIV

...of spiraling

2009-12-10T06:38:00.002-05:00

Hormones. What a whodunit.

22 November 2006

“Praise the Lord, I’ve been feeling great! I still get a bit irritable and frustrated but not like before. I am able to, no, God has made me able to better control my outbursts. He’s also been cleaning me out, showing me how to free myself from selfishness. I’ve not been spending as much time with “Caroline” either. I’ve been praying about my attitude and God is using her to teach me, and of course I am running away. I’ve not been completely honest w/her about why I’ve stepped back a bit. I am just trying to let God do His work. I have prayed for the changes, but was actively doing anything to change. I’m finding myself becoming discouraged w/her. I try to be positive and she keeps coming w/the negative. I acknowledge God’s answer to my prayer and she rebuttals it. I am trying to get back to stepping forward to being a woman of God & I feel as if “Caroline” is pulling me back. However, I was just where she is, so I shouldn’t complain but yet be patient w/her, however, to that I feel weak & think that I am going to regress. Lord just be w/me and help me. Send encouragement my way please. I am feeling weak & almost defeated, but I know that You will make me victorious!"

A pattern of projection had begun. I did not want to take full responsibility for my behavior. Therefore, projecting blame to those close to me seemed to remove any sincere efforts that I needed to make. “It” was always someone else’s fault, but never Larie’s!

25 November 2006

“I feel great! Thank You Lord thank You! I’m back to reading my Bible & Created To Be His Help Meet! Yes!”

30 November 2006

“I have been cranky & irritable for the past few days. I was beginning to get afraid & discouraged because I didn’t want to go backwards. It hit me today that I have not been sleeping well lately. I’ve been up at least three times during the night. I’ve been going to bed as late as 11 p.m. but still getting up at 6 a.m. & I’ve not gotten more than, if even, an hour’s nap during the day. I have to be in bed no later than 930 p.m. so that my body will relax & my brain will have time to shut down by 10 p.m. so that I may still get up by 6 a.m. and have some time in prayer & some quiet time for myself. I really do enjoy the prayer time. I have to make sure that I also take a nap every day and sleep at least two hours during that time as well.”

As you can read, I continued to ignore the possibility of depression. I allotted every excuse that I could to my emotional changes. Projecting, always projecting…

“What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don’t get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures. You adulterous people, don’t you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God. Or do you think Scripture says without reason that the spirit He caused to love in us envies intensely? But He gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says: ‘God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.’ Submit yourselves, then to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and He will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will lift you up.” James 4:1-10 NIV