...of who "made" me do it?

…the liability of my actions elsewhere. 2006 approached its end, as well I.

Anton “made” me go off on him when he said or did, ummm, well, just pick something. He’s forever doing something! (tee-hee)

Eyanna “made” me tell her that my name wasn’t mommy. To which she replied, “Ms-arie,” (she was trying to say Ms. Larie…smart-tail!). Funny how I replay it in my mind and it sounds as if she’s saying misery…hmmm.

Cailem “made” me not want to ever have another child…especially not a boy! Had he been born first, he’d be an only child! (giggles)

The three of them together “made” me contemplate running away before allowing them to complete their plan of visiting me in a white-padded room, gilded in a lavish ensemble that is similar to a jacket, which ingeniously allows me to overpower myself with hugs all-day-long! (Is it okay that I just made myself laugh?)

The lady at the sub shop “made” me speak rather lofty to her after she “barked” at me about them not being open for another three minutes. All I said when I approached the counter was, “Excuse me…” and she cut me off with her “barking.” Guess what? My initial reason for “bothering” her before their BIG three-minute opening was simply to ask her if they opened at 10 or 1030! Yeeeah. I know. Ironic ain’t it?

The man in the commissary’s deli “made” me spout out obscenities at him because my order was M.I.A.

A cashier in the exchange “made” me go to customer service, request a refund and speak with a manager. Someone needed to know that they had to better train their employees on the knack of scanning retail items! It was quite irritating for me to go back into the store after realizing I’d been overcharged. I purchased three candles, but my receipt showed four. Y’all, the stinkin’ candles were only .23 cents!!!

I remember thinking, “Why is God letting these people “make” me show-off?”

Hopes of positive heart changes in the New Year rested before the Lord in prayer.

“When tempted, no one should say, ‘God is tempting me.’ For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does He tempt anyone; but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death. Don’t be deceived, my dear brothers.” James 1:13-16 NIV

“Make a tree good and its fruit will be good, or make a tree bad and its fruit will be bad, for a tree is recognized by its fruit. You brood of vipers, how can you who are evil say anything good? For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him. But I tell you that men will have to give account on the day of judgment for every careless word they have spoken. For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned.” Matthew 12:33-37 NIV

...of, "This Just In"

Please pardon the interruption of "When a Girl Prays for Patience: An Epoch of Depression." However, it is our congenial duty, here at "My Heart Speaks...," to keep our readers updated on our behind-the-scenes happenings.

If you are not a parent of a boy, the following image may seem "disturbing" due to the lack of understanding of one's son being referred to as being "all boy."





Cailem, "Anton's son," spilled his yogurt on the floor. He has been taught to clean up after himself; therefore, he laid in the floor and used himself as a towel to do just that! The accused mother of Cailem Norvell would not comply with our request for a full interview. However, further questioning her involvement of the existence "this child," Larie said that Cailem is "Anton's son."

Now back to your regularly scheduled reading...

"Unless the LORD builds the house, its builders labor in vain. Unless the LORD watches over the city, the watchmen stand gurad in vain. In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat-for He grants sleep to those He loves. Sons are a heritage from the LORD, children a reward from Him. LIke arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one's youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their enemies in the gate." Psalm 127 NIV

...of spiraling

Hormones. What a whodunit.

22 November 2006

“Praise the Lord, I’ve been feeling great! I still get a bit irritable and frustrated but not like before. I am able to, no, God has made me able to better control my outbursts. He’s also been cleaning me out, showing me how to free myself from selfishness. I’ve not been spending as much time with “Caroline” either. I’ve been praying about my attitude and God is using her to teach me, and of course I am running away. I’ve not been completely honest w/her about why I’ve stepped back a bit. I am just trying to let God do His work. I have prayed for the changes, but was actively doing anything to change. I’m finding myself becoming discouraged w/her. I try to be positive and she keeps coming w/the negative. I acknowledge God’s answer to my prayer and she rebuttals it. I am trying to get back to stepping forward to being a woman of God & I feel as if “Caroline” is pulling me back. However, I was just where she is, so I shouldn’t complain but yet be patient w/her, however, to that I feel weak & think that I am going to regress. Lord just be w/me and help me. Send encouragement my way please. I am feeling weak & almost defeated, but I know that You will make me victorious!"

A pattern of projection had begun. I did not want to take full responsibility for my behavior. Therefore, projecting blame to those close to me seemed to remove any sincere efforts that I needed to make. “It” was always someone else’s fault, but never Larie’s!

25 November 2006

“I feel great! Thank You Lord thank You! I’m back to reading my Bible & Created To Be His Help Meet! Yes!”

30 November 2006

“I have been cranky & irritable for the past few days. I was beginning to get afraid & discouraged because I didn’t want to go backwards. It hit me today that I have not been sleeping well lately. I’ve been up at least three times during the night. I’ve been going to bed as late as 11 p.m. but still getting up at 6 a.m. & I’ve not gotten more than, if even, an hour’s nap during the day. I have to be in bed no later than 930 p.m. so that my body will relax & my brain will have time to shut down by 10 p.m. so that I may still get up by 6 a.m. and have some time in prayer & some quiet time for myself. I really do enjoy the prayer time. I have to make sure that I also take a nap every day and sleep at least two hours during that time as well.”

As you can read, I continued to ignore the possibility of depression. I allotted every excuse that I could to my emotional changes. Projecting, always projecting…

“What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don’t get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures. You adulterous people, don’t you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God. Or do you think Scripture says without reason that the spirit He caused to love in us envies intensely? But He gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says: ‘God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.’ Submit yourselves, then to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and He will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will lift you up.” James 4:1-10 NIV