...of Laxative for My Heart

For the past few months I've been nurturing my culinary artistry passion but failing to show any care to my literary love. As a result, I do not feel whole and the overflow of my heart had gotten pretty ugly.

Recently, I felt as if my character was being questioned and I felt attacked, therefore I retaliated. Once I was done, feelings of validation flooded me and oddly I even felt empowered. I'd never stood up to this person before and had grown tired of being disrespected. However, I could have said what I needed to say in a different way.

I also felt like the person was telling me that my "poop" stinks, (the adage, "You think your poop don't stink."), but here's the thing...I-know-my-poop-stinks, that's what My Heart Speaks...is all about; releasing the overflow of my heart, using it as a laxative for my sometimes constipated heart.

How's your heart's overflow? What are you using as a laxative?

...of Home, but Standing on the Porch

My last post was exactly four months ago! I'm nurturing the culinary side of me. I've been immersed in school, work, and my personal life; neglecting the writer in me. Now, I've jotted down some ideas and written a few poems, but for the most part it seems as if writing has never been a part of me. Because of this, my heart filled up and then burst! The overflow of my heart was not good at all...it was the ugliest it has ever been.

When I became overwhelmed with anxiety about finding a job, paying for school, getting a vehicle, when I'd be able to move out of my parent's house, marital decisions, and custody situations, I prayed and/or wrote letters to God in my journal but since things were not working out like I wanted them to, I felt as if I were not getting results; instead I felt as if I were getting worse so I stopped praying for myself and lamenting to God on paper. There were a select few people I shared my heart with but I grew tired of hearing things like, "It's going to get better," "I'm/we're praying for you," "God wouldn't give you more than you could handle," "It's going to work out in your favor, just wait and see, "God's got something good for you/He's preparing you for something great," "God's got a blessing for you girl," or "It's going to be okay, don't worry." I wanted to scream, "STOP COMFORTING ME WITH CLICHES!" but I didn't, instead I withdrew and silently cried into my pillow and/or blanket at night asking God why and what is it...what am I missing or supposed to be learning. I even told Him that I was tired and didn't want whatever blessing, (if there was one), was coming.

In a nutshell, I lost faith for myself, (now don't get me wrong, I still believe in God, and I pray for others, but I don't pray for myself and I don't have the faith for myself). My eyes are set on what I see, and that is surely not faith.

...of A Mother's Letter to Santa

Dear Santa, I imagine that this letter may seem strange coming from me since I've not traditionally celebrated Christmas in the past ten years and because I've not been as good as I know I could have been this year...humph,I may even be on your naughty list, but all I want for Christmas is to have my oldest son spend the day with me and his three siblings. I miss him, they miss him, and he misses us.

I want to see his face and hear his voice in person. I need to hug him and have him hug me back. His siblings need to see him as well...I want them to all be together in the same space again laughing, playing, and teasing one another. It would be nice to hear him say, "Mommy..." and then be able to turn around, come down to his level--connect with him eye to eye and respond, "Yes son..."

Maternally,

Larie

...of Inner Battles

I read, "Often, when you are on the spiritual path, there is a war that goes on between the person you once were and the person you are becoming," on Iyanla Vanzant's Twitter page and thought about a letter to God from my journal on August 21, 2013: "Show me who I am." Well you know God is showing me right?

The overflow of my heart has expressed hopelessness, anger, and feelings of failure, so obviously that's what I have been storing up in me, (Luke 6:43-45). I've even given up faith at times. Mostly no good is brewing around in my mind, I don't like it and have even questioned myself, "Why would you think that? What's wrong with you? You know that's wrong! Is this who you really want to be?" Therefore, I began pushing myself to recite Philippians 4:8 and then pushed more forcefully to actually think on good things in order to override the revengeful, self-debasing, and evil contemplations. Man, (SMH), I admit, IT-IS-VERY-HARD, but I really do try. Now I feel that because I've taken steps towards the spiritual path, the person I was, (hopeless, angry, wavering on faith, and revengeful), is battling with the person I want to be, (hopeful, happy, content, and full of sincere faith).

It's a good fight, they both want to win and I just can't call it right now, but I did place my bet on my real self. ;-)

...of Chasing Rabbits Isn't Bad

Sometimes I don't have a particular topic that I want to blog about, I'd rather just ramble. However, my digressing is often misunderstood and then comes the "concerned" questions and comments and I become frustrated because I feel as if I'm the only person who ever goes off script, but I know that I am not. What keeps you from going off script? Do you ever just want to ramble and let it be left at that...no analyzing or chastising? Would you like to ramble right now; go ahead, this is a safe place.

"Oh, let a man of spirit venture where he pleases and never tip his golden cup empty towards the moon." ~Li Po~

,,,of Recognition Requires Action

Hey! I was reading through my blog and came across this post, click here. I remember being full of enthusiasm for my self-love campaign and working with other girls and women to do the same. I allowed myself to fall back into looking to others to fill me with love, confidence, and a sense of value. I'm not sure exactly how it happened, but I do recognize that it happened. Now I also recognize that I do not have to remain in a self-loveless state and continue to "beat myself up" about falling out of love with me. However, there is something awesome about my self-love; I control it, therefore I can get back to it.

So with that noted, a step forward to loving me required that I separate myself from my husband of 16 and 3/4 years. Yes it hurts, sheesh, we've been together since I was 16 years old and I am now 35 which means he's been a part of my life for over half of it and we have three, soon to be four children, but, I do believe that for the greater good of me, our separation is necessary. I never set boundaries for myself or us so things just kind of hung in the balance while I naively asked, "Why?" and further allowed whatever to be just be.

I took action to correct my problems and will continue to do so because I finally know that I can only control myself and part of controlling myself right now requires me to focus on the next biggest thing to happen in my life next...the birth of another son in less than a month...woo-hoo I'm so excited and ready to hold my new baby and really interested in seeing his siblings interact with him because they too are excited!

Lady in Waiting

where is my Spring?

why to winter must I cling?

waiting.



separate me from winter's cold and harsh sting.

no real commitment in spite of the gorgeous ring.

hold.



some may ponder,"why spring?"

well, I know she's more than just a once a year fling.

patience.



change and new life accompanies Spring; time to finally use my wings.

longsuffer.



the genesis of a season is spring...an epoch of original dated space she brings.

anticipate.

...of Taking a Break

I’m exiting cyber-world for an unsearchable amount of time. I’ve consistently mistaken one day for another while waking most morning’s hazily-pondering, “Where am I?” because I feel as if I’d slept in a cold Jacuzzi. Chasing supposedly experienced professionals for due recompense has left me mentally & emotionally exhausted; keep it.

But what really did it was when I stepped to our kitchen sink to beg of its’ liquid supply to make “Janelle’s” artificially-maple-flavored oatmeal only to further foolishly continue to breakdown her young temple by radiologic-ally making it supposedly edible; THE WATER DID NOT COME OUT! It only took all of an eighth of a nanosecond for that light bulb above my silk-scarfed head to illuminate, “U Didn’t Pay the Water Bill!”

I ran into our bedroom closet where the bills are kept. My right hand grabbed a stack of envelopes, (hoping not all of them were forgotten bills), and my left snatched up our checkbook. That stack included not one, but TWO final notices; water & electric! The cutoff date for the water was 27 March 12 if not paid in full by 5 P.M. the previous day. What’s even more saddening is that a few weeks prior when my eyes glanced over the Eastern Wayne Sanitary District’s envelope in the mail pile that “Cameron” brought into the house I thought, “Wow, water bill due again already? They’re sending them out early now; I’ll open it later.”

But off I went downtown to pay the water bill in person. I thought about not even telling Anton because I knew that the water would be back on by the time he’d gotten home but I wouldn’t allow myself to do that either. I didn’t want Anton to know that I’d screwed up the one thing concerning our house that he’d entrusted me to; paying the bills. I’m so glad that the mortgage payment is direct deposit! :/ Even though the shutoff date for our electricity isn’t until 09 April 12, it was still past due nonetheless so I paid that one as well. I mean I can’t believe that I’ve allowed myself to get so distracted by work that I didn’t pay our bills but all the time being proud that we’d been saving money, (or so I thought), and my budgeting tactics had been going well, but in reality our balance looked the way it did because I had not paid any bills!

*Yes, now it’s ok for you to laugh*

Then, once again, I'm not feeling well, and it just seems to get worse everyday but I do not get to see my Endocrinologist until 18 April 12 which was originally scheduled for 28 March 12, (which I found out the day before my appointment), but had to be rescheduled because my referral from insurance company had expired and I had to wait for them to issue another one which I just got a call back for on Tuesday stating that the referral takes up to 72 hours to be approved.

I'm tired y'all, actually exhausted & overwhelmed. I need a break.

Lastly, “Evelyn” has decided to step into the entrepreneurial realm and begin her children’s jewelry line; she’s excited, I’m excited. Therefore, I am putting more of me into my first-born’s ambition of celebrating & expressing herself artistically. I know what it’s like to have an idea, want to make the idea physically real, and then to have someone else be excited or at the least bit interested in that idea, but only to be told, “Shut-up,” “That so sound stupid,” or “What are you talking about?” or how about this one, (the most insane one), “You CAN’T do that.”

To sum it up, I need to slow down, not take on anymore tasks, enthusiastically & wholeheartedly nurse my children in their dreams, and focus. *exhale* Now, I’m not going into total seclusion, you will be able to find me AND my family at these forecasted events:

SistaSENSE
LIBERATE! Live
“Evelyn’s” jewelry launch at the Let Them Speak Teen Summit
It's Complicated '95 Launch in June 2012

smooches,

...of Ain't No Such Thing as a Beautiful Nightmare...or Is It?

What do you do when nightmares repeat themselves? What do you do when nightmares evoke feelings in the nightmare as well as when you’re awake? I dream a lot and I can usually remember something about them. I may not be able to recall all the details, but I don’t totally forget. However, when I have nightmares, it seems that my mind holds on to every inch of it; especially if I dream it twice. What I don’t pay attention to are the emotions that inflict me in the dream as well as when I’m “awake.” They say that the brain is most active when we are asleep; could it be possible that’s why we sometimes feel our dreams? I mean, maybe it’s possible that because most of us do not know how to utilize all of our mind’s capability, sleep is the only time we are truly aware.

Yes, I had another nightmare last night. It was a different scene but the theme was very familiar; actually it was the same. Just like always, my alarm clock sounded right when things seem to start coming together. Angrily I slam the snooze button, hoping to get back into the scenario so that I can get to the bottom of it. Wait, that’s it, maybe it’s the surface I need to be at. Anyway, my mind doesn’t take me back to that place before the alarm starts nudging me to wake up again so I hit the snooze button again and sometimes I turn the alarm off altogether and risk oversleeping just to be able to get back to the nightmare so I can figure it out; it hasn’t worked yet. I’ve decided that this just means, “You’re very close,” so the rest is up to the conscious me to ignore what I can see and allow me, who I really am, to be present and then I’ll know.


smooches,

...of I Felt Good

I had a G-R-E-A-T weekend! Why is this a "big" deal? Well, for one, my family and I spent a lot of time together without list of to do and have to be here or there at a particular time. I went to bed as late as I wanted and slept as late as I wanted to as well. The sleep thing is almost as awesome as the rest that I have to write about because I have a nocturnal circadian rhythm, therefore, I appreciate staying up into the early morning and sleeping until mid-afternoon. I feel more energetic, productive, and happy during this time, but of course with having kids I rarely get to operate this way.

The other reason for my G-R-E-A-T...I was blessed to host the weekly Friday evening Bible Study at my home! I love to entertain! Hosting this uplifting event also gave me the opportunity to prepare appetizing foods, (cooking, another love of mine), for a group of people that I love very much. This also allowed me to photograph more foods for my catering business. My guests were offered:
Creamy Deli Roll Ups


Minty Fruit Medley



Bread Pudding w/Orange Sauce & Whipped Cream


A fresh garden salad, queso dip, & mint flavored iced tea also graced the table. Our night was both spiritually & physically nourished well! On Saturday, I continued basking in my joy of cooking by preparing Blueberry & Strawberry Muffins! They tasted great with a little of the leftover orange sauce!



If you ever want to drop by, let me know, I'd love to welcome you!

smooches,

...of Have You Ever (continued)

On Monday, I asked a series of questions about “constipation.” I’ve encountered individuals who don’t think that his/her poo is accompanied by an offensive odor as well as those who don’t even know that they are full of poo AND that it smells bad! These beings are well aware of themselves in the sense of arrogance. He/she knows all, (except about their “constipation” problem), does no wrong, and always avoids discipline.

Arrogance, as defined by dictionary.com, is having or showing an exaggerated opinion of one's own importance, merit, ability, etc; conceited; overbearingly proud. These people tend to speak very highly of themselves during most of your interaction with them. Everything he or she has done is the greatest thing ever and solicited such huge distinction! They try to offer a humble attitude about it, but we can see & feel the façade.

Having all the answers comes as no surprise when dealing with an arrogant person. You can know for sure that he/she has no idea what they’re talking about, but this doesn’t stop the person from trying. I must admit, they are good with their words to the point where if you, (the listener), aren’t paying attention, you will be bamboozled and forever locked into his or hers, “I can get over on them” mental box. You will not be respected by them.

This part may sound as if I am wishing unfortunate events upon Mr. & Mrs. Constipated, but doesn’t it seem as if they don’t get caught? Most of their lies remain uncovered and the ones that are uncovered, well, really aren't, (you may have to read that one twice to get it, LOL)! Therefore, they continue to deceive others because in their minds, “I never get caught and I get away with it,” and WE are the ones who appear to suffer for their wrongdoings. Thereby, he or she is always right!

Just be careful of them, they’re known to be manipulators as well.

smooches,

...of Have You Ever

Have you ever been acquainted with someone who just knows that his/her poo doesn’t stink? Maybe you interact with this person on a daily basis, thereby having to deal with the attitude seemingly ALL-THE-TIME! Perhaps the individual only gets to visit with you every now and then, which is a great thing, but at the same time a very annoying period of time. Whatever the situation, interacting with a person, for me, who is full of stinky poo is quite a mental & emotional ride.

So, how does this affect you? How does your relationship with this person suffer? Do you ever tell the metaphorically constipated offender that he/she is full of poo that reeks? No, maybe you should try just straight up asking first, “Do you know that you are full of poo AND that it stinks?” because they may not know, then you can tell them. Why don’t they know? Has anyone else ever enlightened them?

Think on these questions, tell me what’s on your mind, and come back Wednesday for more on this subject.

smooches,

untitled

i don't want to be...

i just want to BE

it doesn't fit your
expectations,
dreams,
goals,
or wishes for me.

and i ain't sorry for it neither.

yea i'm me,
Larie,
and i'm just gunna BE

...of 6 Words

"Imperfectly Perfect. Shamelessly Testifying. Spiritually Maturing."

As a part of a contest for a scholarship to the 2011 She Speaks Conference, contestants have to tell a story using only 6 words! I love this "challenge" because one of the reasons I want to attend this conference is so that I can attend the Speaker's Track because I am eager to learn how to deliver an impactful message, not giving too much or boring or not enough information in the allotted time period. I also want to know how to engage the audience in the message.

So, to my frequent visitors, how did I do with those 6 words?

smooches,

...of A Piece of My Heart

Since when did Christian translate into "Perfect"? Too often, we as Christian wives & mothers keep ourselves in the box that the world has constructed for us. In that box, we are thought of as struggle-free, weep-less, anger-free, failure-less, chaos-free, self-less, fear-less, and always faithful. We are stereotyped as always having it all together. Even sometimes within Christ’s Body, we place each other in that box, causing us to feel alone and that we can’t talk to anyone about our struggles.

I’m not just stepping out of that box; I AM TEARING IT DOWN! I am not flawless.

The things I share here on this page are for your encouragement as well mine. This is a prayer request avenue for me. Read my thoughts and PRAY FOR ME please! I do not share this to “ruin” our Christian reputation, but yet to let others know that we are relatable, just like Christ. "…For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are-yet was without sin…" Hebrews 4:13-16 NIV Oh blessed Sisters, you are no longer, “A-Loner.” “Blest be the tie that binds…”

This is one reason I'd like to attend this year's She Speaks Conference, hosted by Proverbs 31 Ministries, in Concord, North Carolina. She Speaks Conference is about women connecting the hearts of women to the heart of our Father God and my heart is to serve Him and His daughters, as He leads.

...of I'm Still Here

Long time no see my bloggy family! Here's what I've been up to:

1. Making marital decisions

2. Moving

3. Working at Ruby Tuesday

4. Began School for Advanced Culinary Arts in Richmond, VA

5. Began a second job at a lounge

6. Paying more for auto repairs than I paid for the automobile

7. Trying to be comfortable being ME!

...of A Foreigner in a Familiar Land?

I feel like a stranger here; yet this place is familiar to me.

Maybe I feel more like a visitor; stopping through, leaving with souviners.

Nah, an outsider; I know of these surroundings, but I don't know them.

Then again, maybe it's just my need for reconnection that's making me feel this way.

I miss this place, I miss my family, I miss your love.

Hello, it's me, Larie, "The Prodigal Blogger"

smooches,

...of Larie

I am full of emotions right now. I don't understand why. There's so much greatness surrounding me right now, yet, my emotions are negative.

I feel tired, both physically and mentally.

I feel anxious.

I feel defeated.

I feel void.

I feel like crying, but I don't know why. Therefore I won't allow the tears to flow.

I feel like yelling as loud as the Lord has equipped my voice box to do.

I want to run...away...far away.

I want to surrender.

I need to be me...

...of Wyatt Nathaniel lived

Hey y'all! I'm back. I really do not know what to say about this situation personally because of it's sensitive nature. But what I can say about the "life definition" is that it's absolutely ignorant!

Since when does a person whose heart is beating and who is breathing not considered alive?

I know y'all have no idea what I am upset about but just go here or here to read about it. I already signed the petition.

Thanks and smooches,
Larie

...of faith

Thank you all for praying! I’ve been feeling better since Tuesday; however, I had to play a little bit of catch up with my family and housework before I started writing again. So, here I am this morning, prepared to let my heart overflow from my mouth. There’s quite a bit stored in here!

Faith. It’s not a hard concept. Believing, trusting and OBEYING. Faith is a verb, therefore, it requires action. “…faith…not accompanied by action, is dead.” James 2:17 NIV

With my mouth, I can talk faith, but what am I doing about it? Yes, talking is an action, but you know better, that is not what I am talking about! I’m reflecting on the things God has told me to do and I whined, “But I can’t! You don’t really want me to do that! Why is it so hard?” My Father has not required anything of me that’s hard. I did not have to walk through a wall of water in order to receive a promise. But my shallow breathing reveals that I must be a part of the Egyptian army.

It’s not hard y’all, we make it hard.

“By faith the people passed through the Red Sea as on dry land; but when the Egyptians tried to do so, they were drowned.” Hebrews 11:29 NIV