...of mercy

So, one week and a half later, I am cleared to return to Misawa. My mother arrived in Tokyo the night before we left and rode back to Misawa with us. During the upcoming four weeks I had to be completely done with nursing our son. This time was also used as an adjustment period in light of my thyroid being gone. My hormone levels needed to be at a certain level before the I-131 could be administered. I felt tired, irritable and uncomfortable. Spontaneously weaning a male infant who had been exclusively breastfed was the cause for my feeling uncomfortable.

He cried, I leaked.
Milk leaked, I changed shirts.
Breast engorged, I cried.

There were a few times that my mother had to physically take my babyboy away from me because I’d nurse him just enough to “take the edge off.” She told me that I’d never dry up if I continued to do that. I resorted to manually manipulating my breast to release some of its pressure. Yeah, mommy caught me and got on me ‘bout that too! My mind would not allow me to take in why I needed to be in constant pain and discomfort. There were times I literally became sick to my stomach when I would bottle-feed "Second-born". I felt as if he had to suffer as well, (I am not knocking formula-it’s just that I guess I felt as if he didn’t need me anymore-what could I do for him-nursing provided a time of bonding; no one else could do for my babies what I did!). Therefore, I propped his bottle up with a blanket or towel; I refused to hold him. Anton or my mom would pick him up when I did that. The times that I would hold him, I’d turn him away from me. Connection lost.

Adding insult to injury, Anton and I were informed that he would not be accompanying me to Hawaii for the radiation treatment. We challenged it and were advised to go through and appeal process. Denied. So, Anton began making arrangements to pay for his own airfare and use his leave. The leave gets approved, but we do not have the funds for his ticket! Now, as for the reasoning behind not being financially prepared, well… this is a moment y’all may put your hands over your mouths in disgust and “set me outside of the camp.”

Playback, February 2005:
Just before Anton’s mother and brother left, we’d just received our tax return; Anton had given her $2500 dollars, and he didn’t tell me until the plane took off. My feelings were hurt because we didn’t make that decision and I felt as if it were being hidden from me. It was hurtful as well because I wanted my mother to come to Japan for the birth of our son since I was staying in Misawa, (she was not able to be present for "First-borns" birth since she was born in Okinawa and this was an opportunity for her to see a grandchild’s birth), but financially she was not able to come. So I asked Anton is we could fly her there, using our return and he said that we could. Due to some funds going to his mother and other priorities that we had to take care of, we could not afford to bring my mother to Misawa. I felt betrayed. We had been financial crutches for his mother since 1997. I desired to give back to my mother, but couldn’t.

Once my in-laws arrived back in the United States, she lived with a friend for a while and then found two rooms to rent for $800 a month. She had no job. So, we helped out. She found a job, but we found out on the night of our son's birth, we learned that she had quit because she didn’t like it and didn’t get along with somebody there; and again, to her aide we went. Selfishly & unloving, I set in motion an idiotic plan on spending money. It was always my “turn” to treat someone to lunch. I donated to any fundraisers that would take my money, I had to have a complete elegant serving set, I “had a hard time adjusting to having two children while maintaining our home” so we just HAD to eat out more often and whatever other excuses I could come up with to get rid of our money just so that she wouldn’t get it!

I know, my attitude just makes you want to vomit, doesn’t’ it?

Back to November 2005:
My spitefulness, as explained above, is the reason we were not able to purchase an airline ticket for Anton. Worse, Anton didn’t know until that moment that I’d depleted our savings. He had no reason to expect me going into the savings account. He never bothered to check the balance because he “knew” what was in there! Still, in spite of my hatefulness, Anton worked hard at finding another way to be with me in Hawaii; he cashed in his Roth IRA. My cheek burned from the slap God had just delivered.

“The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.” Proverbs 14:1 NIV


  1. OUch. Well, that last part was extremely honest. I'm so glad that you shared it though. I hope I'll learn from that experience of yours. We do some bad things when we're hurt, don't we?
    Very apt verse.

  2. Wow, I won't set you outside the camp. I will bless God for your authentic christianity.
    We are not perfect, we serve a perfect God.

  3. Thank you for sharing from the depths of your being. There are so many who have made the same mistakes. You will impact more people than you will ever know with your honesty and the lessons GOD has taught you through your journey.

    Blessings and prayers, andrea

  4. I admire your honesty on this and I can understand your feelings on this whole post. And like Analisa said, we won't set you outside the camp. :-)

  5. Larie,
    Don't worry, girl, you won't be booted out at all.

    My DH has boundary issues regarding $$ and my in-laws. They guilt him into helping while they are not being not financially responsible (my MIL just got herself a brand new Louis Vuitton purse. $700! I. kid. you. not.)

    I can TOTALLY relate to your thinking that if you spend it, they can't have it. Well, I learned that even if I do that, they still have a way of taking it...Challenges, challenges.

  6. But for all our folly, God's grace is still big enough to cover us.
    Thank You, Jesus!

  7. Oh Larie, goodness...which of us is perfect? No one should set you outside the camp...unless they need company out there. :)
    Bless you for being transparent with us, that's what we should be.
    Hey! I gave you an award on my blog yesterday friend!

  8. Girl, if you are outside the camp, look to your left and I'll be right there next to you. LOL!

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Y'all's comments are overwhelmingly encouraging. I appreciate them very much. They motivate me to continue being myself. Smooches!