…Anton e-mailed the Doctor, informing her that we decided to accept the Selective Seratonin Reuptake Inhibitor. She called some time later, offering me the choice of which one I wanted and then told me that my prescription would be available in about an hour. The Doctor also instructed me to follow-up with her in a month. My husband picked the medication up on his way home from work that same evening.
Still doubting depression’s validity, especially for a Christian, I had a hard time taking the first pill. My husband sat with me on the couch as my hesitant hand started for my mouth. I felt that if I put the pill in my mouth then I would become, “one of those people,” who used depression and its’ medication as a crutch. I was literally fighting with myself to put that pill in my mouth. “I can’t do it! I’m scared!” My hand came to my mouth and then stopped at least four times! One of those times I even put the pill back into the bottle and said that I would wait until the next day to start! Anton told me that I was making it harder than it was. He also reasoned that if I wanted to be healed, I had to swallow that pill. Arguably, my rebuttal was, “Why can’t it be enough that I got the pills? Isn’t that something? Why do I have to actually take them?” He then referred to the invalid man in John 5:1-9.
Of course I didn’t get it at that moment and my comment, “I’m at the pool; I’m in the pool!” proved my spiritual ignorance again. My humble husband sadly shook his head and said, “Okay Larie.” Perplexed, I asked him if that was it, he replied that it was and he went upstairs. I was expecting more coaching from him, but he gave me up to God again.
After a few minutes alone, the pill found it’s way into my mouth and I then withdrew upstairs to tell Anton. In the morning, energy rushed me throughout the day. Happiness clouded my thoughts; I was smiling! Blessings. Our children were now, in my sight, blessings. They were not in my way, burdensome or sucking the life out of me. I didn’t feel as if I were stuck at home and missing out on something. Fatigue, hopelessness and loss of motivation for things I was passionate about, went away. It was awesome to feel this way!
In the evening at a weekly meeting with our mentor, I mentioned how well I felt and stated that I’d began to think that surely the Anti-depressants couldn’t be working that quickly. Sister “Mentor” waved her finger at me and told me that we were not going to go down that road of doubt! Knowing this already, I agreed with her and stated that I had changed my mind shortly after that thought and had thanked God.
Retrospection has allowed me to understand that my submission was to God, not the Anti-depressants. Yes, I do physically have to put a pill into my mouth everyday; however, they are not the cure for my depression. My healing comes from faith and obedience to God. In my thinking, the pills are just a daily tangible reminder of humility.
“I will extol the LORD at all times; His praise will always be on my lips. My soul will boast in the LORD; let the afflicted hear and rejoice. Glorify the LORD with me; let us exalt His name together. I sought the LORD, and He answered me; He delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to Him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame. This poor man called, and the LORD heard him; He saved him out of all his troubles. The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear Him, and He delivers them…The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit…The LORD redeems His servants; no one will be condemned who takes refuge in Him.” Psalm 34 NIV