...of the first time

…14 November 05

“I am on the plane leaving for Hawaii. It’s hard to leave behind my husband, my kids, my mother and all those in the congregation. When my mother hugged me, I felt her knees buckle & then she cried. I think this is the third time I’ve seen her cry. This was hard on me. My children were oblivious of course; they have no idea what’s going on. I looked into my husband’s eyes, they are so beautiful. I’m glad God gave him to me & I WILL let Anton know that more often. This is my testimony for the Lord and I want to serve Him. I am at a point right now where I want to get on a train or bus when I get to Tokyo and go back home.”

Waiting in terminal for transit bus:

“I was not doing to well on the plane. I got to sit with “Sharon,” (God changed my travel date from the 15th to the 14th, same day the “Simpson’s” flew out, Praise Him!). She talked to me w/such love & concern & explained what she could to me about what I was feeling. I appreciate that but I’m mad at myself for saying I trust in God to guide the plane & then get scared. I am not supposed to be double-minded or doubt my God. I will make it to Hawaii under my Heavenly Father’s loving & protecting hand!”

On the transit bus from Hanaeda Airport to Narita Airport:

“We just passed Tokyo Disney! I can’t turn back, although I want to, but I know this trip isn’t to cure or heal me of Cancer, because God has already done that, this trip is so that God can use me. He got plans for me. I have to let Him use me, I said, ‘Lord use me, I want to serve You.’ Now I have to, ‘Let go & let God.’ I need to find out what name it & claim it means. I have to press on to Hawaii so that I can glorify God & use these past few months as a testimony to Him, I gotta keep saying that so that I won’t get to Narita & turn back. I am serving the Lord by pressing on, it’s part of His plan & I have to let Him work it!”

In Hawaii:

“I made it to Hawaii, PRAISE GOD ALMIGHTY! Sister “Lucy Johnson” picked me up. I did not do well on the second flight. I was not seated w/the “Simpson” family. About twenty minutes after take-off, I started to shake & cry. The man next to me called the flight attendants & they had no idea what to do with me. I asked then to turn the plane around & take me home. Of course they wouldn’t & started asking around if I was alone. “Sharon” came up and started to talk w/me and a man that say next to them offered to switch seats w/me. It was so embarrassing. “Sharon” talked w/me some more & I prayed, I failed God again. I let my fear overcome me. God still delivered and guided that plane safely here. Thank You Father for still loving me even at my weakest times. You are so worthy of much, much more than I offer. I love You. In Jesus name, Amen."

29 September 2009:

Y’all just read the first journal entry from which I decided that needed to be shared publicly. There was a lot of feelings that had to be chronicled “It’ll help somebody else,” I reasoned. Journaling this adventure also served as therapy for me. I had “someone” to be totally honest with. My journal doesn’t spout out clichéd comforting words. It just listens. My journal has not said to me, “You’re a Christian, you have no reason to feel this way. Christians shouldn’t suffer from depression. If they do, then they must not really be a Christian.” She understands. My journal does not tell me what I can or cannot say. My friend holds my words, reciting them precisely at just the right time.

“A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” Proverbs 18:24 NIV


  1. You, my friend are a wonderful encourager and will no doubt be used by GOD to help many who struggle. Thank you for sharing honestly with each of us what is happening in your heart.
    Blessings and prayers, andrea

  2. Oh sweetie. How I can relate. I feel guilty when I doubt. I chide myself for being weak, until I remember that my God is not judging me. He is waiting with his arms open for me to run into them and confess I am worried afraid and don't know what to do. He sends the Holy Spirit to comfort me, he sends friends with the word of God in their mouths to give me strength. Then I see his hand in my life and I know my God will deliver me.

    This post is such a great reminder. When I suffered from depression I did what folks say you should do. I made and appointment and met with an elder of the church. I will never forget what he said joyfully. "You are a child of God, you have no reason to be depressed." I finished my appointment. Pretended to feel better. Inside I was shattered, he never let me explain how lonely I felt, how I despaired of life. How I really needed help. How I felt suicidal. I just left feeling condemed and shattered. I really expected help, but got none.

    My deliverance came later.

  3. Larie, my friend, can I just say how much I love you??!!
    I love your heart. I love your vulnerability. I love your desire to please God. I love your tenderness to His move in your life.

    Oh, that picture of you shaking and crying on the airplane, with the stewardess not knowing what to do with you - and then Sharon coming to talk with you and the man giving up his seat for you. What a beautiful picture of our helplessness and God's rescue!
    Indeed, He is worthy of so much more than we can give Him. And He loves us, still. Amazing!!!

  4. I have journaled since 7th grade. And yes, you described it so well. It's your own special place to cry out, shout, sing, share your heart, joys, fears. I love it. In 1996, I started journaling to God. Do you remember "are you there God, it's me Margaret?" Loved that.

  5. What a beautiful example of true love... straight from God!

  6. Larie,
    I have been out of town for awhile so I am catching up on your story. I am overwhelmed by your brutal honesty and your ability to share your experiences here. Journaling does help with that doesn't it? No judgement, only listening pages. Thanks for sharing those thoughts with us too. I am off to finish catching up,


Y'all's comments are overwhelmingly encouraging. I appreciate them very much. They motivate me to continue being myself. Smooches!