...of Is Nothing Ever Enough for You, Larie?

…“LORD, I am not doing good right now. It’s too much going on and I don’t feel good. I don’t know what to do LORD I need to be patient. Please make me patient."

Spiritual ignorance.

September 2004: Anton and I were excited to find out that I would be staying at our home station for delivery. Our daughter became bored with the inside of our house. She desired to spend more time outside or at other places. I had started to do better with keeping my food down, but the nausea remained. Therefore, all I wanted to do was stay in a horizontal position and since her vocabulary also extended, she expressed her displeasure about the situation. I felt as though I couldn’t take it; sometimes I wanted to yell at her, “Shut-up please! Just sit and watch Blues’ Clues and leave me alone!” Instead, I told her it was quiet time because mommy did not feel well.

Boxes remained full, clothes in piles on the floor and fast food was considered a gourmet dish in our home. For the first two-½ weeks after my mother-in-law arrived, I did not see her. She stayed in her bedroom. When she did come out, it was to use the bathroom or maybe to get a soda. She wasn’t talking and she looked very ill. When I asked her if she was alright, she replied, “I’ll be alright. When does Anton get home? Did “Johnnie” eat?” “Johnnie” is my bother-in-law. He has Downs Syndrome and he was 22 at the time. I had to tell her that I didn’t know when Anton would be home, (his work schedule suspiciously changed, he left for work earlier but came home later…I accused him of trying to stay away from the chaos in our home and leaving me to deal with it), and that I fed “Johnnie” when I fed my daughter. Anton’s mother would then retreat back upstairs.

Exhausted. Nauseated. Angry.

During the 14th week of pregnancy, I had an appointment with the ENT who would come to Misawa from Yokota Air Base every three months to do evaluations and tonsillectomies. Misawa Air Base’s, our home station, medical facility was not a hospital, it was a clinic. Therefore, the services provided were limited. Anyway, this appointment was the last evaluation needed before I would leave for surgery. I asked the doctor if the baby would be affected from the surgery. His eyes widened and he asked, “You’re pregnant!” I told him yeah, 14 weeks!

Ready for a flashback? It’s August of 2003, two months after delivering our oldest, a lump began developing in my throat. Some people questioned me about it and I told them that I didn’t know what it was but it didn’t hurt. No one, not even I, pushed the issue. A few months later, I visited a friend down in the emergency room and one of the technicians asked me what the lump in my throat was all about. As the tip of my fingers brushed over it, I told him that it was my Adam’s Apple. Gently, he replied, “Sweetie, women don’t have Adam’s Apples. You should get that checked out.” Of course I didn’t. I assumed that if it were really a big deal then his suggestion would have been a bit more aggressive.

Then comes June of 2004. Because of a syncope episode, I was taken to the emergency room. The on-call doctor asked, besides Neurocardiogenic Syncope, if I had any other medical issues. I told her no. Questioningly, she said, “Thyroid problems?” Again, I told her no. The physician explained that she suspected that it was a Goiter and wanted to do an ultrasound and a biopsy. My mind could then only focus on the word biopsy. A Fine Needle Aspiration was performed for the biopsy. The sample had to be sent to Mildenhall Air Force Base in England for testing; therefore, my wait would be approximately two weeks.

However, after six weeks, I heard nothing, so I called in for a telephone consultation. When my phone call was returned, the nurse explained to me that notes in my medical record stated that I had received a phone call informing me that the biopsy was benign but the General Surgeon thought it would be best for me to meet with the Otolarynologist, (Ear Nost Throat Specialist), on his next visit. Good news, but I did not get that phone call. When I saw the ENT, he verified that the mass was in fact benign and I could opt to have it removed or leave it alone if it caused me no problems. I opted to leave it alone. The doc was okay with my decision and stated that he would see me again on his next visit just for a follow-up.

The Goiter enlarged. By the time the ENT had come back, the mass had grown two centimeters. Though it was still benign, he suggested that I did have it removed because of its size and location; it was against my windpipe. Since Misawa’s clinic was not equipped for this type of surgery, we made a “date” for me to be medically aero evacuated, (I’ve used this system LOTS!!!), to Yokota. Anton was not approved to go with me this time nor could he take leave. I had been struggling with lust during this time; (I was attracted to men who personified the “Thug-Life” image, which was out of character for me. I never physically entertained my lusts, however, sin was present. Matthew 5:27-28), so Anton and I decided that the surgery would have to be postponed until he was able to take leave and accompany me to Yokota. My new surgery date was rescheduled for sometime between late September or early October of 2004, (don’t quite remember), but, by that time, I was pregnant again; which brings us back to the “current” story.

After discussing some of the possible risks for surgery during pregnancy, the decision was left up to Anton and I. Since my breathing had not been affected, we said that we wanted to wait until after delivery. The ENT agreed and said that he’d see me six weeks after delivery. So back home, in chaos-impatience-uncomfortable circumstances and arguments, we went and waited; so I prayed for more patience…

“LORD, they came to You in their distress; when You disciplined them, they could barely whisper a prayer.” Isaiah 26:16 NIV