...of feeling captive

From my journal:

29 May 2006

“I just keep falling short, but I know where to go when I do…GOD! We went to Shimoda today & we took a nap when we returned. Anton & "First-born" got up before me. I laid in bed for a while before getting up. I was in that ‘I should get up, but I don’t want too, I just want to lay here mood.’ I finally got up & came downstairs. I just wanted to eat, watch 7th Heaven & maybe study Created To He His Help Meet. Well Anton & "First-born" were talking to me & ‘bothering’ me. I began to feel crowded & attacked. I was also in a selfish mood, I was hoping that "First-born" didn’t ask for my food. Well she didn’t, but Anton did & I gave him some & lost my appetite because he’d left skid marks on my spoon. That really wasn’t the problem, I was being selfish. Anyway he asked for a hug, of course I didn’t want to give it to him. I was all like dang, why y’all messing w/me, leave me alone. I then checked my e-mail & Anton asked me was I okay, and I said I’m just trying to do my own thing. I left to see if the building had power, (the building we worshiped at on base had been without power earlier in the day), & I prayed. While praying it came to me that I had the wrong attitude at home. My kids were not crowding or attacking me, they were loving me & happy to see me just as I should have been to them. I asked for forgiveness & came home and told Anton what I’d come to realize & asked for his forgiveness. He said I’m forgiven. I keep saying that I’m going to change, but I don’t. I do want to be happy w/my family, I just, oh wait not that I’m not happy, I just need to stop being selfish. When I’m doing something, I want to finish what I’m doing, but I need to stop that. I am selfish and that is not a Godly characteristic!”

“Flee out of Babylon; leave the land of the Babylonians, and be like the goats that lead the flock. For I will stir up and bring against Babylon an alliance of great nations from the land of the north. They will take up their positions against her, and from the north she will be captured. Their arrows will be like skilled warriors who do not return empty-handed. So Babylonia will be plundered; all who plunder her will have their fill,” ‘declares the LORD.’ Jeremiah 50: 8-10 NIV