...of spiraling

Hormones. What a whodunit.

22 November 2006

“Praise the Lord, I’ve been feeling great! I still get a bit irritable and frustrated but not like before. I am able to, no, God has made me able to better control my outbursts. He’s also been cleaning me out, showing me how to free myself from selfishness. I’ve not been spending as much time with “Caroline” either. I’ve been praying about my attitude and God is using her to teach me, and of course I am running away. I’ve not been completely honest w/her about why I’ve stepped back a bit. I am just trying to let God do His work. I have prayed for the changes, but was actively doing anything to change. I’m finding myself becoming discouraged w/her. I try to be positive and she keeps coming w/the negative. I acknowledge God’s answer to my prayer and she rebuttals it. I am trying to get back to stepping forward to being a woman of God & I feel as if “Caroline” is pulling me back. However, I was just where she is, so I shouldn’t complain but yet be patient w/her, however, to that I feel weak & think that I am going to regress. Lord just be w/me and help me. Send encouragement my way please. I am feeling weak & almost defeated, but I know that You will make me victorious!"

A pattern of projection had begun. I did not want to take full responsibility for my behavior. Therefore, projecting blame to those close to me seemed to remove any sincere efforts that I needed to make. “It” was always someone else’s fault, but never Larie’s!

25 November 2006

“I feel great! Thank You Lord thank You! I’m back to reading my Bible & Created To Be His Help Meet! Yes!”

30 November 2006

“I have been cranky & irritable for the past few days. I was beginning to get afraid & discouraged because I didn’t want to go backwards. It hit me today that I have not been sleeping well lately. I’ve been up at least three times during the night. I’ve been going to bed as late as 11 p.m. but still getting up at 6 a.m. & I’ve not gotten more than, if even, an hour’s nap during the day. I have to be in bed no later than 930 p.m. so that my body will relax & my brain will have time to shut down by 10 p.m. so that I may still get up by 6 a.m. and have some time in prayer & some quiet time for myself. I really do enjoy the prayer time. I have to make sure that I also take a nap every day and sleep at least two hours during that time as well.”

As you can read, I continued to ignore the possibility of depression. I allotted every excuse that I could to my emotional changes. Projecting, always projecting…

“What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don’t get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures. You adulterous people, don’t you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God. Or do you think Scripture says without reason that the spirit He caused to love in us envies intensely? But He gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says: ‘God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.’ Submit yourselves, then to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and He will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will lift you up.” James 4:1-10 NIV