LORD, I was tired of verses 9-13. Well, tired of writing it I mean. It's okay to read it because I know that I will eventually come to the end of it. But not "being in control" of my own lamenting is different. I thought I was done, had nothing else to say, but obviously not. Okay, wait, I'm not being honest and You, LORD God know this. This is why You have led Karen to have us continue in this section.
Father I am tired! I want to yell, "I GIVE UP!" Why God? WHY DO YOU WANT ANTON TO GO TO KOREA???? This is so not cool! LORD I do not want to hear that it is a testing of my faith, I do not want to hear that I can handle it, I do not want to hear it, I just don't!!!
I do not want my husband away from us for a year! Yeah I know that other families have to do so why should I be special, but I don't care LORD, I don't. We can not be separated, I need Anton and our kids need him. LORD we NEED each other!
Yes all my reasons for not wanting him to go are a result of my affliction; me, selfishness & pride. I'm scared LORD, and I know You know that I am and why. Do You just want me to say it? Is that it? Okay, LORD I do not want Anton to go to Korea for a year without us because I am scared that *******************! But You know this LORD God, You know everything. WHY DO I HAVE TO PUT MYSELF OUT HERE LIKE THIS?
And I also don't want Anton to go because I am afraid that my depression will get worse and then I will have to ask others for help and You know I do not want to do that either because I just don't want everybody up in my business but it's here in this blog now so never mind but that was a concern. I mean I do not want people treating me "delicately" as if I'm going to crack. Don't be tiptoeing around me, just know my triggers and DON'T TRIP THEM LIKE THIS KOREA THING JUST DID!!!
And I don't want him to go because that means that I am left here alone with his mother and brother to take care of them. Yeah I remember the study I just did and the applications. But I really was going to do the right thing LORD! I don't need this Korea assignment to hold me accountable. Do I?
Okay, I need to calm down, LORD I'm sorry, it is so not about me, but this time can it be please? Please don't let Anton go to Korea Father please. Please God cancel this assignment LORD let us stay together for the remainder of his Air Force career, it's only 7 more years PLEASE!
In spite of me, my debilitating affliction, LORD please, please don't let us be separated.
Dear Friends, today's gift is a subscription to Christian Woman magazine! I love this magazine. I've been a subscriber for two years now and it seems that God has used each issue to directly tell me something! I have been able to relate to over 3/4 of the magazine each time. Christian Woman is the only magazine I have read cover to cover! And now, my chosen friend is...
...WIB & RUNE @ Beautiful Days! I have so enjoyed the poems and photos they share. They have been a great encouragement for me as well. No matter how "raw" my posts are, they cheer me on! I love you Wib & Rune!smooches,
Larie
Thank you, thank you, So much my friend. I am owervelmd.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry to hear that Anton is going to Korea. I will pray for you bouth.
Blessings
Wib.
Dear Larie,
ReplyDeleteCan I just say how much I love you???
I am so glad you stuck with me through the lamenting. I didn't want to keep at it either, but God kept showing me there was more to say. Just like He did with you. Bless you, my sister, for pouring your heart out. You're right - He knows it anyway, but I think He wants us to admit it, too.
Even though you said you don't want to hear that "You can handle it," can I share something that happened to me this morning? Well, I'm going to anyway. *grin*
I was working out and my trainer was having me do squat presses. (Squats while holding SERIOUS weights.)
I looked at the weights, did some quick math, and said, "I've never done this much before, have I?"
He just smiled.
When I had the weight on my shoulders I said, "I don't think I can do this." (And I wasn't just being wimpy. I was serious!) He said, "Yes, you can. I'm right here."
I knew what Kevin meant. He was right there behind me and at the first sign that I couldn't handle the weight, he was going to lift it for me.
In that moment, I was sure God was speaking to me about my every day. He's right here!
And He's with you, too, Larie.
Love you!
Karen
Dearest Larie,
ReplyDeleteso sorry about Anton having to leave... but start thinking of things to be grateful for.
1. You are not completely alone (you have your children, you have your church, your have your friends, you have the Lord,etc.)
2. With technology, it will be possible to be in constant communication with him.
3. ...
Feel free to write me anytime you need a listening ear.
Love you,
Vonnie
Larie,
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to hear that your husband might be leaving you for a year. Is he in the service? I can only imagine how hard that must be for you. I'd be honored to pray for you during this time.