It's day four of writing my own Psalm per Karen's suggestion over at Surviving Motherhood. We are fashioning our personal Psalm after Psalm 31. Today we continue on in our lamenting from verses 9-13. I commented to Karen yesterday that I feel as if I am whining. Therefore, yesterday, it was hard for me to write, it was scary and I did not know why. I was looking forward to today thinking that we were going to be done, but...
LORD, I was tired of verses 9-13. Well, tired of writing it I mean. It's okay to read it because I know that I will eventually come to the end of it. But not "being in control" of my own lamenting is different. I thought I was done, had nothing else to say, but obviously not. Okay, wait, I'm not being honest and You, LORD God know this. This is why You have led Karen to have us continue in this section.
Father I am tired! I want to yell, "I GIVE UP!" Why God? WHY DO YOU WANT ANTON TO GO TO KOREA???? This is so not cool! LORD I do not want to hear that it is a testing of my faith, I do not want to hear that I can handle it, I do not want to hear it, I just don't!!!
I do not want my husband away from us for a year! Yeah I know that other families have to do so why should I be special, but I don't care LORD, I don't. We can not be separated, I need Anton and our kids need him. LORD we NEED each other!
Yes all my reasons for not wanting him to go are a result of my affliction; me, selfishness & pride. I'm scared LORD, and I know You know that I am and why. Do You just want me to say it? Is that it? Okay, LORD I do not want Anton to go to Korea for a year without us because I am scared that *******************! But You know this LORD God, You know everything. WHY DO I HAVE TO PUT MYSELF OUT HERE LIKE THIS?
And I also don't want Anton to go because I am afraid that my depression will get worse and then I will have to ask others for help and You know I do not want to do that either because I just don't want everybody up in my business but it's here in this blog now so never mind but that was a concern. I mean I do not want people treating me "delicately" as if I'm going to crack. Don't be tiptoeing around me, just know my triggers and DON'T TRIP THEM LIKE THIS KOREA THING JUST DID!!!
And I don't want him to go because that means that I am left here alone with his mother and brother to take care of them. Yeah I remember the study I just did and the applications. But I really was going to do the right thing LORD! I don't need this Korea assignment to hold me accountable. Do I?
Okay, I need to calm down, LORD I'm sorry, it is so not about me, but this time can it be please? Please don't let Anton go to Korea Father please. Please God cancel this assignment LORD let us stay together for the remainder of his Air Force career, it's only 7 more years PLEASE!
In spite of me, my debilitating affliction, LORD please, please don't let us be separated.
Dear Friends, today's gift is a subscription to Christian Woman magazine! I love this magazine. I've been a subscriber for two years now and it seems that God has used each issue to directly tell me something! I have been able to relate to over 3/4 of the magazine each time. Christian Woman is the only magazine I have read cover to cover! And now, my chosen friend is...
...WIB & RUNE @ Beautiful Days! I have so enjoyed the poems and photos they share. They have been a great encouragement for me as well. No matter how "raw" my posts are, they cheer me on! I love you Wib & Rune!