...of which way do I go?

Previously, at "My Heart Speaks..."
O4 April 2006

I am taking Sister “Rochelle’s” advice & making some quiet time for myself. I read a few chapters of Leviticus & wrote my husband an encouraging note. I feel good, I like this, and however, I am fighting the nagging side of me that is saying do you know what you could be doing right now. The kids are asleep, get the laundry folded, clean off the desk, but that’s what the devil wants, me not to take time for myself & keep driving myself crazy over this housework so that I can be irritated w/my kids & Anton. NOT! God answered my prayer on being positive, Sister “Rochelle” presented us w/a handout on steps toward positive living! Is God good or what?”

Emotionally, I performed as if I were a demolition project. Something would pump me up with affirmation at 2 o’clock but by 2:11, I slumped back into hopelessness. I didn’t want to move, talk, be talked to or touched; I just wanted to be left alone. Come to think about it, I don’t think I even wanted to think! Yet, I didn’t feel at ease this way. At the time, Anton held the position of Dorm Manager. During this time he wore a pager. Therefore, he didn’t “have” to be in the office at all times. This provided evidence of being very helpful because he could be home whenever he thought he needed to be. When he did go to his office at the dorms, he called throughout the day to check on us. I forget what I said to him on one occasion, but he showed up at the house within about 20 minutes. Surprised, I asked, “What are you doing here?” Anton replied that he wanted to make sure that all was okay because I hadn’t sounded as if it did. Even at that time I couldn’t recall what I’d said to make him think he needed to rush home and he didn’t repeat it for me either.

“Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” Proverbs 4:23 NIV

Tomorrow’s post is quite intimate, as they are pages from my personal journal. I’m sharing this, as with everything I share, with the intent of encouragement and also to illustrate the fluctuating mental & emotional state I dwelled in.