...of What's My Motivation

2. In my opinion; adultery is the most difficult test of faith; you believe God or you don’t; one is motivated to be Christ-like or not.

Of course many people have asked, “How do you do it? Why don’t you leave him?” Well, I have contemplated leaving-A LOT. But then, those ooey-gooey feelings that I had for Anton took over. I wanted to believe the best in him. I wanted to believe that he didn’t purposely set out to view pornography and/or have sex with another woman, and again, it’s not about me.

These occurrences of adultery have been very difficult. Thoughts of inadequacy use to consume me. I felt no self-worth. Without releasing Anton from any responsibility, it doesn’t help that he is in the military. We have to be physically separated from time to time in order for him to fulfill certain duties that are commanded by the Air Force. Even though one of the Air Force’s core values is, “Integrity First,” there ain’t much of it. When I first heard, “What goes on a TDY stays TDY,” (TDY: Temporary Duty which is anytime the service member has to fulfill obligations at another base that is not considered their “home station.” Family members do no accompany the service member on these trips), it disgusted me. It came across as if we, (spouses), were being told to deal with it and also telling the active duty member that it’s “okay” to engage in inappropriate sexual activities because of the circumstances!

Next, I had to prove to myself that I believed God’s word where it says, “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6 NIV (By the way, Warren Baldwin profoundly offers encouragement in doing so in his book, “Roaring Lions, Cracking Rocks, and Other Gems from Proverbs.” He says on page 86, “Would the people trust God so completely that they would not plant their crops and would allow the land to lie at rest? Would they obey God? That was a great test! At least three spiritual attitudes would be necessary for the people to obey. They would need to be faithful. They would need to trust God and obey Him whether it made sense to them or not! Secondly…” and also on pages 159-160 Brother Baldwin touches on the very scripture I used above…GET-THE-BOOK!) Either I trust that my earthly marriage is an image of my eternal marriage with the Lord, “…This is a profound mystery-but I am talking about Christ and the church… Ephesians 5:22-33 NIV, or I fall prey to the spiritual ignorance of some who have said to me, “Yeah, but God don’t cheat on you!”

Then there’s my effort of wanting to live up to the eternal rewarding challenge of being Christ-like. “…You have heard of Job’s perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy…James 5:7-12 NIV. But don’t get it twisted, I’m no fool-hearted doormat, Anton is learning this as the Lord is taking care of it. In the light of these words, I am not saying that I wouldn’t give up, but I have tried not to.

Lastly, I recall when I was "caught" in the act of adultery and faced the possibilty of being "stoned..." (John 8:1-11)

“…and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade-kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. THESE HAVE COME SO THAT YOUR FAITH- OF GREATER WORTH THAN GOLD, WHICH PERISHES EVEN THOUGH REFINED BY FIRE-MAY BE PROVED GENUINE AND MAY RESULT IN PRAISE, GLORY AND HONOR WHEN JESUS CHRIST IS REVEALED…and even though you do not see Him now, you believe in Him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls… Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed…But just as He who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: ‘Be holy because I am holy…’ For you have been born again, not of perishable seed, but of imperishable, through the living and enduring word of God… 1 Peter 1:3-25 NIV

Please note: I will not be blogging next week. It’s time for a break so that I may prepare to allow you all to hear more of what, “My Heart Speaks…”

smooches,
Larie