...of Home, but Standing on the Porch

My last post was exactly four months ago! I'm nurturing the culinary side of me. I've been immersed in school, work, and my personal life; neglecting the writer in me. Now, I've jotted down some ideas and written a few poems, but for the most part it seems as if writing has never been a part of me. Because of this, my heart filled up and then burst! The overflow of my heart was not good at was the ugliest it has ever been.

When I became overwhelmed with anxiety about finding a job, paying for school, getting a vehicle, when I'd be able to move out of my parent's house, marital decisions, and custody situations, I prayed and/or wrote letters to God in my journal but since things were not working out like I wanted them to, I felt as if I were not getting results; instead I felt as if I were getting worse so I stopped praying for myself and lamenting to God on paper. There were a select few people I shared my heart with but I grew tired of hearing things like, "It's going to get better," "I'm/we're praying for you," "God wouldn't give you more than you could handle," "It's going to work out in your favor, just wait and see, "God's got something good for you/He's preparing you for something great," "God's got a blessing for you girl," or "It's going to be okay, don't worry." I wanted to scream, "STOP COMFORTING ME WITH CLICHES!" but I didn't, instead I withdrew and silently cried into my pillow and/or blanket at night asking God why and what is it...what am I missing or supposed to be learning. I even told Him that I was tired and didn't want whatever blessing, (if there was one), was coming.

In a nutshell, I lost faith for myself, (now don't get me wrong, I still believe in God, and I pray for others, but I don't pray for myself and I don't have the faith for myself). My eyes are set on what I see, and that is surely not faith.


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Y'all's comments are overwhelmingly encouraging. I appreciate them very much. They motivate me to continue being myself. Smooches!