…perhaps I would not have been an aimless wanderer in the desert, searching for that which doesn’t exist among mortals.
Then again, my time in the desert served its purpose.
“Remember how the LORD your God led you all the way in the desert these forty years, to humble you and to test you in order to know your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands. He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your fathers had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD. Your clothes did not wear out and your feet did not swell during these forty years. Know then in your heart that s a man disciplines his son, so the LORD your God disciplines you. Observe the commands of the LORD your God, walking in His ways and revering Him. For the LORD your God is bringing you into a good land-a land with streams and pools of water, with springs flowing in the valleys and hills; a land with wheat and barley, vines and fig trees, pomegranates, olive oil and honey; a land where bread will not be scarce and you will lack nothing; a land where the rocks are iron and you can dig copper out of the hills. When you have eaten and are satisfied, praise the LORD your God for the good land He has given you. Be careful that you do not forget the LORD your God, failing to observe His commands, His laws and His decrees…” Deuteronomy 8:2-11a NIV
Guess what y’all, (yes, I typed y’all and ain't in the title with a double negative, tee-hee); I’m in the good land. I am standing in awe at the streams. The hills are smooth, thus easy to reach the top. I am swinging on the vines and feasting on pure honey. I want for NOTHING.
Showing posts with label When a Girl Prays for Patience: The Age of Adultery. Show all posts
Showing posts with label When a Girl Prays for Patience: The Age of Adultery. Show all posts
Wednesday
Monday
...of trading dying roses for dying roses just doesn't make sense
Of course not one of those men delivered my hopes. There was one who claimed he would leave his wife if I left Anton… “Yeah right dude. I don’t like you like that!” is what I should have responded, instead, I fell for his story and actually contemplated the idea. However, I soon discovered that he was not the man I wanted to be with; that would have just been going from bad to worse. We were both married and cheating on our spouses, which meant that our relationship would have been just as tainted as the current ones.
There were decisions to be made, but I did not know how to make them. I thought that I knew the right decisions, yet I still questioned myself. I didn’t want to return to my hometown but I certainly did not want to remain in my current situation either. If only I’d known then that it was God who directs me…
“I know, O LORD, that a man’s life is not his own; it is not for man to direct his steps.” Jeremiah 10:23 NIV
There were decisions to be made, but I did not know how to make them. I thought that I knew the right decisions, yet I still questioned myself. I didn’t want to return to my hometown but I certainly did not want to remain in my current situation either. If only I’d known then that it was God who directs me…
“I know, O LORD, that a man’s life is not his own; it is not for man to direct his steps.” Jeremiah 10:23 NIV
...of seeking nurturing for my roses
I also “ignored” the adulterous rompings of my husband because revenge or no revenge, I enjoyed the pleasures of adultery as well. I can try to place the blame on revenge all I want, but it’s still infidelity that I pre-meditated. At times I questioned if I were worse than Anton since I spitefully plotted rendezvous with other men.
I was confused.
Because of this, I questioned my getting upset about another woman’s scent emitted from our roses. How dare I become upset when a masculine scent, (that did not belong to my husband), emitted from the same roses as a result of my choices!
In a more confused state of mind, I attempted to justify my matrimonial unfaithfulness by saying that I had been looking for that someone who loved me. That someone who could make me feel worthy. There had to be some male in this world who desired me in an untainted way. I was looking for affirmation. Couldn’t some guy let me know that I was loved and worthy of the best? How did I expect to such wholesomeness in the grimy way I was doing it?
Silly me, placing such potential on those who couldn’t deliver…only my Lord can do such a thing. Sadly, I did not know this then. Therefore, I sought it out from 4 errant men.
“Whoever obeys his command will come to no harm, and the wise heart will know the proper time and procedure. For there is a proper time and procedure for every matter, though a man’s misery weighs heavily upon him.” Ecclesiastes 8:5-6 NIV
I was confused.
Because of this, I questioned my getting upset about another woman’s scent emitted from our roses. How dare I become upset when a masculine scent, (that did not belong to my husband), emitted from the same roses as a result of my choices!
In a more confused state of mind, I attempted to justify my matrimonial unfaithfulness by saying that I had been looking for that someone who loved me. That someone who could make me feel worthy. There had to be some male in this world who desired me in an untainted way. I was looking for affirmation. Couldn’t some guy let me know that I was loved and worthy of the best? How did I expect to such wholesomeness in the grimy way I was doing it?
Silly me, placing such potential on those who couldn’t deliver…only my Lord can do such a thing. Sadly, I did not know this then. Therefore, I sought it out from 4 errant men.
“Whoever obeys his command will come to no harm, and the wise heart will know the proper time and procedure. For there is a proper time and procedure for every matter, though a man’s misery weighs heavily upon him.” Ecclesiastes 8:5-6 NIV
Friday
...of an unworthy thorn
The thorn of sexual abuse caused feelings of unworthiness. I Believe this is why sometimes, instead of seeking revenge, I “ignored” Anton’s adulterous acts. My thinking was, “It’s a man thing. Men have to have sex at any cost.” I thought that I was damaged and was expected to accept nothing good. I wasn’t worthy of better…or so I thought.
“…Who can discern his errors? Forgive my hidden faults. Keep Your servant from willful sins; may they not rule over me. Then I will be blameless, innocent of great transgression… Psalm 19 NIV
“…Who can discern his errors? Forgive my hidden faults. Keep Your servant from willful sins; may they not rule over me. Then I will be blameless, innocent of great transgression… Psalm 19 NIV
Thursday
...of what was hidden
…hiding our thorns that we tried to ignore. Teenage promiscuity, sexual abuse, and low self-esteem are a few of the thorns that I wanted to hide. How could I have thought that I wouldn’t be confronted by the things of my past? By far am I using these things as a crutch, but I should have known better. Why did I try to pretend that my rose was without thorns by placing them in a vase?
Tuesday
...of vases, masks, and whitewashed tombs
Jolting me from the pit of “What If?” the thorns spoke to me. “We’ve always been here. You knew that we were here, but because you were ashamed of us, here, in a vase we were hidden.” My eyes released heavy droplets at the thorns’ conviction. They were right, I’ve always known that roses bear thorns, but I needed to pretend that they weren’t there and I didn’t want other people to know that they were there either. So, into the vase, a faulty mask of perfection, they went…
“Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of dead men’s bones and everything unclean. In the same way, on the outside you appear to people as righteous but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness.” Matthew 23:27-28 NIV
“Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of dead men’s bones and everything unclean. In the same way, on the outside you appear to people as righteous but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness.” Matthew 23:27-28 NIV
Wednesday
...of thorns against our palms
…I assumed that the thorns were removed at time of purchase. “What if we hadn’t put them in a vase because we wanted to hold them in our hands, those thorns would have pricked our palms?” I thought.
THAT’S IT! Perhaps we should have physically held on to them; then once we tried to offer the rose to someone else, he/she would have seen the scars and blood that the thorns had caused. Better yet, maybe Anton and I would have appreciated the sacredness of our roses more had we been able to visibly see our scarred, bloodied palms; serving as a way out of the temptation, (1 Corinthians 10:13). Then again, maybe not because I know, for me, as spiteful as I had been, I would have nonchalantly washed my hands of the blood just for the few moments of physical pleasure, which I thought was meant only for revenge.
“…All men are like grass, and all their glory is like the flowers of the field. The grass withers and the flowers fall, because the breath of the LORD blows on them. Surely the people grass. The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of our God stands forever.” Isaiah 40:1-8 NIV
THAT’S IT! Perhaps we should have physically held on to them; then once we tried to offer the rose to someone else, he/she would have seen the scars and blood that the thorns had caused. Better yet, maybe Anton and I would have appreciated the sacredness of our roses more had we been able to visibly see our scarred, bloodied palms; serving as a way out of the temptation, (1 Corinthians 10:13). Then again, maybe not because I know, for me, as spiteful as I had been, I would have nonchalantly washed my hands of the blood just for the few moments of physical pleasure, which I thought was meant only for revenge.
“…All men are like grass, and all their glory is like the flowers of the field. The grass withers and the flowers fall, because the breath of the LORD blows on them. Surely the people grass. The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of our God stands forever.” Isaiah 40:1-8 NIV
Tuesday
...of what the vase concealed
In spite of our “vision,” the demise of our roses had begun. We watered them and vowed to pay more attention to our beautiful roses. Still, they wilted. So more water was rushed into the vase and we drew the shades to allow added sunlight into our home. Vainly, they continued to die. Yet again, abundantly hopeful, we moved the vase closer to the window, “Perhaps it’s just too far away,” we thought. Then roses instigated escape from the vase again, which caused the unsuccessful attempts at reclaiming their station.
I then accepted that maybe the roses did not want to be saved. Therefore, I removed them from the vase at which time I noticed the thorns…
I then accepted that maybe the roses did not want to be saved. Therefore, I removed them from the vase at which time I noticed the thorns…
Monday
...of the scent of a rose
…who made me feel as if those roses purposed to be shared. My masculine recipient deeply inhaled the lustful aromatics emitted from my roses. Anton’s recipient claimed to have been my friend. I watched her eyes as they danced around our vase many times. I even noticed the changing pitch of her voice when she complimented them; but she was my “friend.”
Once neither Anton nor I could continue to “act like” the vacant spots in our vase did not trouble us, we confessed and decided to put the roses back where they belonged. However, the showcase didn’t look the same; the slightly worn roses were out of place. Equally disturbing was that the scent of one rose reminded me of my sinful pleasure, which tempted me to remove it for “just one more time,” while the lingering stench of another harked back the reality of another chick enjoying my rose, which infuriated me.
Still, trying to ignore the unusual placement of our matrimonial roses and haunting aromatics, we “saw” them falling back into place.
“Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” This is what the ancients were commended for. By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God’s command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible…By faith Noah, when warned about things not yet seen, in holy fear built an ark to save his family…By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going.” Hebrews 11:1-8 NIV
Once neither Anton nor I could continue to “act like” the vacant spots in our vase did not trouble us, we confessed and decided to put the roses back where they belonged. However, the showcase didn’t look the same; the slightly worn roses were out of place. Equally disturbing was that the scent of one rose reminded me of my sinful pleasure, which tempted me to remove it for “just one more time,” while the lingering stench of another harked back the reality of another chick enjoying my rose, which infuriated me.
Still, trying to ignore the unusual placement of our matrimonial roses and haunting aromatics, we “saw” them falling back into place.
“Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” This is what the ancients were commended for. By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God’s command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible…By faith Noah, when warned about things not yet seen, in holy fear built an ark to save his family…By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going.” Hebrews 11:1-8 NIV
Friday
...of a rose for "you"
Every now and then I’d realize that a rose or two had gone missing from our bouquet. I asked Anton had they died, causing him to trash the roses. At first he acted offended at such an accusation, but after more investigation, it came to pass that he’d given the roses to some other chick. Emotionally scarred, and falling further into my state of self-abasement, I too offered our lovely roses, which were meant to be sacredly exclusive, to someone else…
"Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexual immoral." Hebrews 13:4 NIV
"Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexual immoral." Hebrews 13:4 NIV
Thursday
...of it can happen to "you"
4. Lastly, never-EVER, think, say, or act as if it couldn’t happen to you.
I know we’ve all heard someone say, “Ain’t no way that would be me!” in reference to another person’s situation. I’ll even say that we ourselves are guilty of such a thing as well. It’s very easy to observe the maturation period of a friend and offer suggestions such as, “If it were me, I would…” or “Well what you need to do is…”
Of course when Anton & I married the possibility of infidelity had not crossed my mind. I mean really, we were “in love.” Our relationship had been a bouquet of fully bloomed roses, which were presented in the most beautiful vase. Their hypnotic aromatics sent me to a make-believe floral shop; first mistake, roses do not originate in man-owned & operated flower shops.
“See how the lilies of the FIELD grow.” Matthew 6:28 NIV
I know we’ve all heard someone say, “Ain’t no way that would be me!” in reference to another person’s situation. I’ll even say that we ourselves are guilty of such a thing as well. It’s very easy to observe the maturation period of a friend and offer suggestions such as, “If it were me, I would…” or “Well what you need to do is…”
Of course when Anton & I married the possibility of infidelity had not crossed my mind. I mean really, we were “in love.” Our relationship had been a bouquet of fully bloomed roses, which were presented in the most beautiful vase. Their hypnotic aromatics sent me to a make-believe floral shop; first mistake, roses do not originate in man-owned & operated flower shops.
“See how the lilies of the FIELD grow.” Matthew 6:28 NIV
Wednesday
...of unavoidable consequences
3. Everyone involved must be man/woman enough to admit his or her offenses. It is also imperative that no one attempts to escape the consequences.
Previously, I listed a few consequences of adultery. These are not random ideas; each one is a consequence that I’ve endured. Keep in mind that these things happened before my submission to Christ but now in Christ, I am able to look back and understand what things done in the dark will come to the light means. So brazen at one time I use to say, “Well what if the lights were on?” so sad, so ignorant, so disrespectful.
Either way, adultery and discretion cannot cohabitate.
Previously, I listed a few consequences of adultery. These are not random ideas; each one is a consequence that I’ve endured. Keep in mind that these things happened before my submission to Christ but now in Christ, I am able to look back and understand what things done in the dark will come to the light means. So brazen at one time I use to say, “Well what if the lights were on?” so sad, so ignorant, so disrespectful.
Either way, adultery and discretion cannot cohabitate.
Monday
...of handling "it"
3. Everyone involved must be man/woman enough to admit his or her offenses. It is also imperative that no one attempts to escape the consequences.
Why is it so hard to admit wrongdoing? Admission does not require a lengthy epistle or speech. We all know when we’ve done something wrong, so just say it. It does, however, require humility. Get out of your own way by removing arrogance from your countenance. Lastly, if you are not sorry, DON’T SAY IT! You’re already in a “position,” so do not heighten it with empty apologies.
For the one hearing the admission, be patient and do not force an admission. Because it is hard for some folk to say, “I was wrong,” sometimes it may take awhile for the complete confession. No one wants to be wrong and no one definitely wants to admit to it! Also, as crazy as it may read, do not “go off!” Your reaction sets the tone for the remaining confession and any others that may come later. To help keep you “on,” during the confession, mentally make a confession at the same time. Remember, you’re not perfect either. King David brought judgment on himself. He had forgotten about his imperfections, 2 Samuel 12:1-25.
Stay or leave? Which of the two do you do? For you, I do not know, but deliver it with audacious confidence and follow-thru with the decision. Yeah, you’ll be tempted to ask other people what you should do, but save yourself from the confusion, finger-pointing, fear, wavering opinions and so on; pray, pay attention to “opportunities” and make your decision.
Finally, the warranted consequences cannot be dodged. They will come in various unwanted forms; STD’s, pregnancy scare (him) , jail-time, financial binds, or charges on your record. Whatever the consequence is, it is NOT to be the decision maker! Yes, they do provide assistance, but you must not act on them.
Why is it so hard to admit wrongdoing? Admission does not require a lengthy epistle or speech. We all know when we’ve done something wrong, so just say it. It does, however, require humility. Get out of your own way by removing arrogance from your countenance. Lastly, if you are not sorry, DON’T SAY IT! You’re already in a “position,” so do not heighten it with empty apologies.
For the one hearing the admission, be patient and do not force an admission. Because it is hard for some folk to say, “I was wrong,” sometimes it may take awhile for the complete confession. No one wants to be wrong and no one definitely wants to admit to it! Also, as crazy as it may read, do not “go off!” Your reaction sets the tone for the remaining confession and any others that may come later. To help keep you “on,” during the confession, mentally make a confession at the same time. Remember, you’re not perfect either. King David brought judgment on himself. He had forgotten about his imperfections, 2 Samuel 12:1-25.
Stay or leave? Which of the two do you do? For you, I do not know, but deliver it with audacious confidence and follow-thru with the decision. Yeah, you’ll be tempted to ask other people what you should do, but save yourself from the confusion, finger-pointing, fear, wavering opinions and so on; pray, pay attention to “opportunities” and make your decision.
Finally, the warranted consequences cannot be dodged. They will come in various unwanted forms; STD’s, pregnancy scare (him) , jail-time, financial binds, or charges on your record. Whatever the consequence is, it is NOT to be the decision maker! Yes, they do provide assistance, but you must not act on them.
Friday
...of What's My Motivation
2. In my opinion; adultery is the most difficult test of faith; you believe God or you don’t; one is motivated to be Christ-like or not.
Of course many people have asked, “How do you do it? Why don’t you leave him?” Well, I have contemplated leaving-A LOT. But then, those ooey-gooey feelings that I had for Anton took over. I wanted to believe the best in him. I wanted to believe that he didn’t purposely set out to view pornography and/or have sex with another woman, and again, it’s not about me.
These occurrences of adultery have been very difficult. Thoughts of inadequacy use to consume me. I felt no self-worth. Without releasing Anton from any responsibility, it doesn’t help that he is in the military. We have to be physically separated from time to time in order for him to fulfill certain duties that are commanded by the Air Force. Even though one of the Air Force’s core values is, “Integrity First,” there ain’t much of it. When I first heard, “What goes on a TDY stays TDY,” (TDY: Temporary Duty which is anytime the service member has to fulfill obligations at another base that is not considered their “home station.” Family members do no accompany the service member on these trips), it disgusted me. It came across as if we, (spouses), were being told to deal with it and also telling the active duty member that it’s “okay” to engage in inappropriate sexual activities because of the circumstances!
Next, I had to prove to myself that I believed God’s word where it says, “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6 NIV (By the way, Warren Baldwin profoundly offers encouragement in doing so in his book, “Roaring Lions, Cracking Rocks, and Other Gems from Proverbs.” He says on page 86, “Would the people trust God so completely that they would not plant their crops and would allow the land to lie at rest? Would they obey God? That was a great test! At least three spiritual attitudes would be necessary for the people to obey. They would need to be faithful. They would need to trust God and obey Him whether it made sense to them or not! Secondly…” and also on pages 159-160 Brother Baldwin touches on the very scripture I used above…GET-THE-BOOK!) Either I trust that my earthly marriage is an image of my eternal marriage with the Lord, “…This is a profound mystery-but I am talking about Christ and the church… Ephesians 5:22-33 NIV, or I fall prey to the spiritual ignorance of some who have said to me, “Yeah, but God don’t cheat on you!”
Then there’s my effort of wanting to live up to the eternal rewarding challenge of being Christ-like. “…You have heard of Job’s perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy…James 5:7-12 NIV. But don’t get it twisted, I’m no fool-hearted doormat, Anton is learning this as the Lord is taking care of it. In the light of these words, I am not saying that I wouldn’t give up, but I have tried not to.
Lastly, I recall when I was "caught" in the act of adultery and faced the possibilty of being "stoned..." (John 8:1-11)
“…and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade-kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. THESE HAVE COME SO THAT YOUR FAITH- OF GREATER WORTH THAN GOLD, WHICH PERISHES EVEN THOUGH REFINED BY FIRE-MAY BE PROVED GENUINE AND MAY RESULT IN PRAISE, GLORY AND HONOR WHEN JESUS CHRIST IS REVEALED…and even though you do not see Him now, you believe in Him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls… Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed…But just as He who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: ‘Be holy because I am holy…’ For you have been born again, not of perishable seed, but of imperishable, through the living and enduring word of God… 1 Peter 1:3-25 NIV
Please note: I will not be blogging next week. It’s time for a break so that I may prepare to allow you all to hear more of what, “My Heart Speaks…”
smooches,
Larie
Of course many people have asked, “How do you do it? Why don’t you leave him?” Well, I have contemplated leaving-A LOT. But then, those ooey-gooey feelings that I had for Anton took over. I wanted to believe the best in him. I wanted to believe that he didn’t purposely set out to view pornography and/or have sex with another woman, and again, it’s not about me.
These occurrences of adultery have been very difficult. Thoughts of inadequacy use to consume me. I felt no self-worth. Without releasing Anton from any responsibility, it doesn’t help that he is in the military. We have to be physically separated from time to time in order for him to fulfill certain duties that are commanded by the Air Force. Even though one of the Air Force’s core values is, “Integrity First,” there ain’t much of it. When I first heard, “What goes on a TDY stays TDY,” (TDY: Temporary Duty which is anytime the service member has to fulfill obligations at another base that is not considered their “home station.” Family members do no accompany the service member on these trips), it disgusted me. It came across as if we, (spouses), were being told to deal with it and also telling the active duty member that it’s “okay” to engage in inappropriate sexual activities because of the circumstances!
Next, I had to prove to myself that I believed God’s word where it says, “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6 NIV (By the way, Warren Baldwin profoundly offers encouragement in doing so in his book, “Roaring Lions, Cracking Rocks, and Other Gems from Proverbs.” He says on page 86, “Would the people trust God so completely that they would not plant their crops and would allow the land to lie at rest? Would they obey God? That was a great test! At least three spiritual attitudes would be necessary for the people to obey. They would need to be faithful. They would need to trust God and obey Him whether it made sense to them or not! Secondly…” and also on pages 159-160 Brother Baldwin touches on the very scripture I used above…GET-THE-BOOK!) Either I trust that my earthly marriage is an image of my eternal marriage with the Lord, “…This is a profound mystery-but I am talking about Christ and the church… Ephesians 5:22-33 NIV, or I fall prey to the spiritual ignorance of some who have said to me, “Yeah, but God don’t cheat on you!”
Then there’s my effort of wanting to live up to the eternal rewarding challenge of being Christ-like. “…You have heard of Job’s perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy…James 5:7-12 NIV. But don’t get it twisted, I’m no fool-hearted doormat, Anton is learning this as the Lord is taking care of it. In the light of these words, I am not saying that I wouldn’t give up, but I have tried not to.
Lastly, I recall when I was "caught" in the act of adultery and faced the possibilty of being "stoned..." (John 8:1-11)
“…and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade-kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. THESE HAVE COME SO THAT YOUR FAITH- OF GREATER WORTH THAN GOLD, WHICH PERISHES EVEN THOUGH REFINED BY FIRE-MAY BE PROVED GENUINE AND MAY RESULT IN PRAISE, GLORY AND HONOR WHEN JESUS CHRIST IS REVEALED…and even though you do not see Him now, you believe in Him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls… Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed…But just as He who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: ‘Be holy because I am holy…’ For you have been born again, not of perishable seed, but of imperishable, through the living and enduring word of God… 1 Peter 1:3-25 NIV
Please note: I will not be blogging next week. It’s time for a break so that I may prepare to allow you all to hear more of what, “My Heart Speaks…”
smooches,
Larie
Thursday
...of Releasing Yourself
The sins of another person are never about “you.” I use to question myself concerning Anton’s pornography and encounters with other women; “What am I not doing to make him do this? Why aren’t I woman enough for him? Why can’t he be faithful to me? I’m his wife, he owes it to me!”
I have realized that my concern was for me, not Anton’s soul. My concerns were selfish, when in fact none of it had anything to do with me at all. This is Anton’s race. I’m supposed to be the spectator, rooting for his successful completion in first place, and when he needs water along the way-I got it, (“Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself. Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else, for each one should carry his own burden. Anyone who receives instruction in the word must share all good things with his instructor.” Galatians 6:1-6 NIV)
So you see, self-entitlement has no place in adultery. Do not beat yourself up by trying to figure out if you are the cause or what you can do differently. IT’S-NOT-ABOUT-YOU! Also, if you are the casualty of adultery, (pornographic or third-party involvement), and you long for it to stop, your reasoning should be Christ-centered. I’m not saying that your feelings do not matter because yes, there are times I still fall back into self-entitlement where Anton’s first commitment, which is to God, is not my concern, but we all have to remember that our goal is eternity.
“When tempted, no one should say, ‘God is tempting me.’ For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does He tempt anyone; but each one is tempted when by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.” James 1:13-15 NIV
I have realized that my concern was for me, not Anton’s soul. My concerns were selfish, when in fact none of it had anything to do with me at all. This is Anton’s race. I’m supposed to be the spectator, rooting for his successful completion in first place, and when he needs water along the way-I got it, (“Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself. Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else, for each one should carry his own burden. Anyone who receives instruction in the word must share all good things with his instructor.” Galatians 6:1-6 NIV)
So you see, self-entitlement has no place in adultery. Do not beat yourself up by trying to figure out if you are the cause or what you can do differently. IT’S-NOT-ABOUT-YOU! Also, if you are the casualty of adultery, (pornographic or third-party involvement), and you long for it to stop, your reasoning should be Christ-centered. I’m not saying that your feelings do not matter because yes, there are times I still fall back into self-entitlement where Anton’s first commitment, which is to God, is not my concern, but we all have to remember that our goal is eternity.
“When tempted, no one should say, ‘God is tempting me.’ For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does He tempt anyone; but each one is tempted when by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.” James 1:13-15 NIV
Wednesday
...of...Opportunities Arised
Just as soon as Solomon could complete his request for wisdom from the Lord, he was provided with an opportunity to exercise it.
“Now two prostitutes came to the king and stood before him. One of them said, ‘My lord, this woman and I live in the same house. I had a baby while she was there with me. The third day after my child was born, this woman also had a baby. We were alone; there was no one in the house but the two of us. During the night this woman’s son died because she lay on him. So she got up in the middle of the night and took my son from my side while I your servant was asleep. She put him by her breast and put her dead son by my breast. The next morning, I got up to nurse my son-and he was dead! But when I looked at him closely in the morning light, I saw that it wasn’t the son I had borne.’ The other woman said, ‘No! The living one is my son; the dead one is yours.’ But the first one insisted, ‘No! The dead one is yours; the living one is mine.’ And so they argued before the king. The king said, ‘This one says, ‘My son is alive and your son is dead,’ while that one says, ‘No! Your son is dead and mine is alive.’’ Then the king said, ‘Bring me a sword.’ So they brought a sword for the king. He then gave and order: ‘Cut the living child in two and give half to one and half to the other.’ The woman whose son was alive was filled with compassion for her son and said to the king, ‘Please, my lord, give her the living baby! Don’t kill him!’ But the other said, ‘Neither I nor you shall have him. Cut him in two!’ Then the king gave his ruling: ‘Give the living baby to the first woman. Do not kill him; she is his mother.’ When all Israel heard the verdict the king had given, they held the king in awe, because they saw that he had wisdom from God to administer justice.” 1 Kings 3:16-28 NIV
Some folk who have heard pieces of this story already have asked, “How in the world do you put up with this?” Well, sometimes I do and sometimes I don’t.
02 June 2006
“Oh yes, God blessed me w/the right heart, Anton looked @ porn last night! I could have gotten real ignorant on him, but the Lord has blessed me w/the right heart & maturity to hug & kiss my husband, & tell him yes I forgive him after he asked me to. So now I thank God for this right heart & continue to pray for Anton that he not fall into satan’s temptation & that he call on God when he’s being tempted, that his eyes are fully opened to the way out that God is providing for him & that he take it.”
Now, I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t tell y’all about the “bad” as well. I was not always so supportive and forgiving. I did get frustrated and reacted in ugly ways…
28 September 2006
“Lord I can’t do this by myself. I need, I WANT Your help! Help me dear Lord please help me Father. Take it over Lord, it’s Yours. I give it over to You, the only One who can handle it. I surrender for real. I am sitting still & waiting for Your instruction. Forgive me Father, but I needYou. I am surrendering. I lift my hands to You & Your will. In my Savior’s Holy name, Amen. I’m done, I can’t, I won’t, & I don’t want to fight You anymore God, I’m sorry.”
14 October 2006
“Anton looked @ porn on 02 Oct & our anniversary was on 04 Oct! I was livid! I cursed, hit & kicked. Not the right heart. I got ugly. Not good, I am disappointed in myself. I want to change but I don’t, but I know I need to, but I feel like it’s too late. Arrrrghhhh!!!”
“…Moreover, I will give you what you have not asked for-both riches and honor-so that in your lifetime you will have no equal among kings. And if you walk in My ways and obey My statutes and commands as David your father did, I will give you a long life.” 1 Kings 3:13-14 NIV
“Now two prostitutes came to the king and stood before him. One of them said, ‘My lord, this woman and I live in the same house. I had a baby while she was there with me. The third day after my child was born, this woman also had a baby. We were alone; there was no one in the house but the two of us. During the night this woman’s son died because she lay on him. So she got up in the middle of the night and took my son from my side while I your servant was asleep. She put him by her breast and put her dead son by my breast. The next morning, I got up to nurse my son-and he was dead! But when I looked at him closely in the morning light, I saw that it wasn’t the son I had borne.’ The other woman said, ‘No! The living one is my son; the dead one is yours.’ But the first one insisted, ‘No! The dead one is yours; the living one is mine.’ And so they argued before the king. The king said, ‘This one says, ‘My son is alive and your son is dead,’ while that one says, ‘No! Your son is dead and mine is alive.’’ Then the king said, ‘Bring me a sword.’ So they brought a sword for the king. He then gave and order: ‘Cut the living child in two and give half to one and half to the other.’ The woman whose son was alive was filled with compassion for her son and said to the king, ‘Please, my lord, give her the living baby! Don’t kill him!’ But the other said, ‘Neither I nor you shall have him. Cut him in two!’ Then the king gave his ruling: ‘Give the living baby to the first woman. Do not kill him; she is his mother.’ When all Israel heard the verdict the king had given, they held the king in awe, because they saw that he had wisdom from God to administer justice.” 1 Kings 3:16-28 NIV
Some folk who have heard pieces of this story already have asked, “How in the world do you put up with this?” Well, sometimes I do and sometimes I don’t.
02 June 2006
“Oh yes, God blessed me w/the right heart, Anton looked @ porn last night! I could have gotten real ignorant on him, but the Lord has blessed me w/the right heart & maturity to hug & kiss my husband, & tell him yes I forgive him after he asked me to. So now I thank God for this right heart & continue to pray for Anton that he not fall into satan’s temptation & that he call on God when he’s being tempted, that his eyes are fully opened to the way out that God is providing for him & that he take it.”
Now, I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t tell y’all about the “bad” as well. I was not always so supportive and forgiving. I did get frustrated and reacted in ugly ways…
28 September 2006
“Lord I can’t do this by myself. I need, I WANT Your help! Help me dear Lord please help me Father. Take it over Lord, it’s Yours. I give it over to You, the only One who can handle it. I surrender for real. I am sitting still & waiting for Your instruction. Forgive me Father, but I needYou. I am surrendering. I lift my hands to You & Your will. In my Savior’s Holy name, Amen. I’m done, I can’t, I won’t, & I don’t want to fight You anymore God, I’m sorry.”
14 October 2006
“Anton looked @ porn on 02 Oct & our anniversary was on 04 Oct! I was livid! I cursed, hit & kicked. Not the right heart. I got ugly. Not good, I am disappointed in myself. I want to change but I don’t, but I know I need to, but I feel like it’s too late. Arrrrghhhh!!!”
“…Moreover, I will give you what you have not asked for-both riches and honor-so that in your lifetime you will have no equal among kings. And if you walk in My ways and obey My statutes and commands as David your father did, I will give you a long life.” 1 Kings 3:13-14 NIV
Tuesday
...of Because I asked...
1. Acquiring patience through adultery has proven to be extremely trying. Whether you’re the adulterer or casualty of adultery, getting beyond it requires a major sacrifice of self-entitlement.
24 April 2006
“I pray that Anton trust me to share his weaknesses, failings, shortcomings with. I pray that I accept those things, understand, & forgive. I pray that I love him for him. I pray that I be his number one source of encouragement. I want him to believe that I believe in him. I pray that I allow him to be the man God created him to be. That I not be a hindrance for him, that I be encouraging & supportive.”
27 April 2006
“Father give me the right heart to support Anton & his struggles rather than judge & tear him down. Let me not try to change him. I want to support Anton in the way he needs to be supported. I want to help him fight his temptations instead of fighting him.”
The Lord will do what you ask. It may not be the way you envision, but He will do it…
“At Gibeon the LORD appeared to Solomon in a dream by night; and God said, ‘Ask! What shall I give you?’ And Solomon said: ‘You have shown great mercy to Your servant David my father, because he walked before You in truth, in righteousness, and in uprightness of heart with You; You have continued this great kindness for him, and You have given him a son to sit on his throne, as it is this day. Now, O LORD my God, You have made Your servant king instead of my father David, but I am a little child; I do not know how to go out or come in. And Your servant is in the midst of Your people whom You have chosen, a great people, too numerous to be numbered or counted. Therefore give to Your servant an understanding heart to judge Your people, that I may discern between good and evil. For who is able to judge this great people of Yours?’ The speech pleased the LORD, that Solomon had asked this thing. Then God said to him: ‘Because you have asked this thing, and have not asked long life for yourself, nor have asked for riches for yourself, nor have asked the life or your enemies, but have asked for yourself understanding to discern justice, behold, I have done according to your word; see I have given you a wise and understanding heart, so that there has not been anyone like you before you, nor shall any like you arise after you…’ 1 Kings 3:5-12 And God gave Solomon wisdom and exceedingly great understanding, and largeness of heart like the sand on the seashore. 1 Kings 4:29 NKJV
24 April 2006
“I pray that Anton trust me to share his weaknesses, failings, shortcomings with. I pray that I accept those things, understand, & forgive. I pray that I love him for him. I pray that I be his number one source of encouragement. I want him to believe that I believe in him. I pray that I allow him to be the man God created him to be. That I not be a hindrance for him, that I be encouraging & supportive.”
27 April 2006
“Father give me the right heart to support Anton & his struggles rather than judge & tear him down. Let me not try to change him. I want to support Anton in the way he needs to be supported. I want to help him fight his temptations instead of fighting him.”
The Lord will do what you ask. It may not be the way you envision, but He will do it…
“At Gibeon the LORD appeared to Solomon in a dream by night; and God said, ‘Ask! What shall I give you?’ And Solomon said: ‘You have shown great mercy to Your servant David my father, because he walked before You in truth, in righteousness, and in uprightness of heart with You; You have continued this great kindness for him, and You have given him a son to sit on his throne, as it is this day. Now, O LORD my God, You have made Your servant king instead of my father David, but I am a little child; I do not know how to go out or come in. And Your servant is in the midst of Your people whom You have chosen, a great people, too numerous to be numbered or counted. Therefore give to Your servant an understanding heart to judge Your people, that I may discern between good and evil. For who is able to judge this great people of Yours?’ The speech pleased the LORD, that Solomon had asked this thing. Then God said to him: ‘Because you have asked this thing, and have not asked long life for yourself, nor have asked for riches for yourself, nor have asked the life or your enemies, but have asked for yourself understanding to discern justice, behold, I have done according to your word; see I have given you a wise and understanding heart, so that there has not been anyone like you before you, nor shall any like you arise after you…’ 1 Kings 3:5-12 And God gave Solomon wisdom and exceedingly great understanding, and largeness of heart like the sand on the seashore. 1 Kings 4:29 NKJV
Monday
...of An Abridgment of Adultery
Acquiring patience through adultery has proven to be extremely trying. Whether you’re the adulterer or casualty of adultery, getting beyond it requires a major sacrifice of self-entitlement. In my opinion; adultery is the most difficult test of faith; you believe God or you don’t; one is motivated to be Christ-like or not. Everyone involved must be man/woman enough to admit his or her offenses. It is also imperative that no one attempts to escape the consequences. Lastly, never-EVER, think, say, or act as if it couldn’t happen to you.
“One evening David got up from his bed and walked around on the roof of the palace. From the roof he saw a woman bathing. The woman was very beautiful, and David sent someone to find out about her. The man said, ‘Isn’t this Bathsheba, the daughter of Eliam and the wife of Uriah the Hittite?’ The David sent messengers to get her. She cam to him, and he slept with her. (She had purified herself from her uncleanness.) Then she went back home. The woman conceived and sent word to David, saying, ‘I am pregnant.’ So David sent this word to Joab: ‘Send me Uriah the Hittite.’ And Joab sent him to David…” 2 Samuel 11:2-6 NIV
“One evening David got up from his bed and walked around on the roof of the palace. From the roof he saw a woman bathing. The woman was very beautiful, and David sent someone to find out about her. The man said, ‘Isn’t this Bathsheba, the daughter of Eliam and the wife of Uriah the Hittite?’ The David sent messengers to get her. She cam to him, and he slept with her. (She had purified herself from her uncleanness.) Then she went back home. The woman conceived and sent word to David, saying, ‘I am pregnant.’ So David sent this word to Joab: ‘Send me Uriah the Hittite.’ And Joab sent him to David…” 2 Samuel 11:2-6 NIV
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