...of Laxative for My Heart

For the past few months I've been nurturing my culinary artistry passion but failing to show any care to my literary love. As a result, I do not feel whole and the overflow of my heart had gotten pretty ugly.

Recently, I felt as if my character was being questioned and I felt attacked, therefore I retaliated. Once I was done, feelings of validation flooded me and oddly I even felt empowered. I'd never stood up to this person before and had grown tired of being disrespected. However, I could have said what I needed to say in a different way.

I also felt like the person was telling me that my "poop" stinks, (the adage, "You think your poop don't stink."), but here's the thing...I-know-my-poop-stinks, that's what My Heart Speaks...is all about; releasing the overflow of my heart, using it as a laxative for my sometimes constipated heart.

How's your heart's overflow? What are you using as a laxative?

...of "Murphy's Law"

stepping back; observing

backing off; reflecting

Reevaluating

maybe even turning around...

...of 6 Words

"Imperfectly Perfect. Shamelessly Testifying. Spiritually Maturing."

As a part of a contest for a scholarship to the 2011 She Speaks Conference, contestants have to tell a story using only 6 words! I love this "challenge" because one of the reasons I want to attend this conference is so that I can attend the Speaker's Track because I am eager to learn how to deliver an impactful message, not giving too much or boring or not enough information in the allotted time period. I also want to know how to engage the audience in the message.

So, to my frequent visitors, how did I do with those 6 words?

smooches,

...of A Piece of My Heart

Since when did Christian translate into "Perfect"? Too often, we as Christian wives & mothers keep ourselves in the box that the world has constructed for us. In that box, we are thought of as struggle-free, weep-less, anger-free, failure-less, chaos-free, self-less, fear-less, and always faithful. We are stereotyped as always having it all together. Even sometimes within Christ’s Body, we place each other in that box, causing us to feel alone and that we can’t talk to anyone about our struggles.

I’m not just stepping out of that box; I AM TEARING IT DOWN! I am not flawless.

The things I share here on this page are for your encouragement as well mine. This is a prayer request avenue for me. Read my thoughts and PRAY FOR ME please! I do not share this to “ruin” our Christian reputation, but yet to let others know that we are relatable, just like Christ. "…For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are-yet was without sin…" Hebrews 4:13-16 NIV Oh blessed Sisters, you are no longer, “A-Loner.” “Blest be the tie that binds…”

This is one reason I'd like to attend this year's She Speaks Conference, hosted by Proverbs 31 Ministries, in Concord, North Carolina. She Speaks Conference is about women connecting the hearts of women to the heart of our Father God and my heart is to serve Him and His daughters, as He leads.

...of I guess it was just the eye of the "storm"

Hey there! I thought that I was ready to get back into our, "When A Girl Prays For Patience: Age of Adultery" series, however, it seems that the "storm" is not over as I thought. Our babygirl, "Janelle", has suffered from multiple ear infections since her birth in May of 2008. Each time she was given an antibiotic and the fever, cough and runny nose all clear up, however, the fluid remains in her ear but uninfected.

So within a week of completing the antibiotics, the cycle starts all over again...cough, runny nose, fever..."Janelle" just completed a 10-days antibiotic on 28 January for an ear infection and at her follow up appointment they stated that there is still fluid there but it is NOT infected. Well, she's coughing and has the runny nose right now and I am not waiting until the fever hits again and so one.

Therefore, she has a doctor's appointment today and I have decided that I will just sit there until they take a closer look at what's going on with my babygirl and I am not accepting more antibiotics for her. She's only a year old and has already been filled with antibiotics four to five times.

I ask that you all pray really really really hard and continue to be patient with me and lacking posts for this time.

Thanks a bunch, I love and MISS you all!

smooches,
Larie

...umbrellas and maybe waders too

They say, (whomever "They" are), "When it rains it pours..."

Well, could someone please get me a massive umbrella?

Today I was notified that my baby-sister, who is 22, has a brain tumor located at the base of her spine. If operated on, it could cripple her. But, if it continues to grow and press on her spine...it could cripple her.

Another female family member is awaiting biopsy results from a mass that is located in one of her breast.

...of Wyatt Nathaniel lived

Hey y'all! I'm back. I really do not know what to say about this situation personally because of it's sensitive nature. But what I can say about the "life definition" is that it's absolutely ignorant!

Since when does a person whose heart is beating and who is breathing not considered alive?

I know y'all have no idea what I am upset about but just go here or here to read about it. I already signed the petition.

Thanks and smooches,
Larie

...of the beginning of my story

It’s time.

Sporadically, I’ve mentioned a few health issues but I’ve never gone into detail about it. Yes, I have said one day I’ll tell the full story, however, I hadn’t done it. I was not avoiding the stories; it’s just that for the writer in me, it doesn’t work to pre-write things. Majority of all these posts are written the same day that I post. I really am about sharing what’s in my heart. Now, there are days that I have something planned to write about and post, but most of the time I deviate from my “plan.”

Remember the “She Speaks” posts? Man! I wanted to tell you all about the conference of course, but it was really hard for me to stay on that subject for so long! I like to talk about whatever, whenever. Okay, anyway, so my point is, I’m going to try to focus on one subject matter until I tell you EVERYTHING about my health. Monday will be the debut of the, “When a Girl Prays for Patience…” series of this blog.

I’m doing this, one, because I received a call back yesterday about the exam I had a couple weeks ago. I wasn’t told of the exact results, only that the results warrant the doctor’s request for a Colposcopy and, two, because it's just another chance for you all to get to know me better, (y'all said you just love my transparency!).

I am scared. I am concerned. I am struggling.

Throwing a temper tantrum sounds appropriate right now as well as giving up.

Pray.

“Lord, by such things men live; and my spirit finds life in them too. You restored me to health and let me live. Surely it was for my benefit that I suffered such anguish. In Your love You kept me from the pit of destruction; You have put all my sins behind Your back.” Isaiah 38:16-17 NIV

...of I'm not feeling well

I've not been feeling too well since Thursday evening. However, I wanted to pop in just to let you all know that I'm taking a break until I feeling well. Well, I may be reading and commenting, but I will not be writing.

Please pray for healing because I have no clue what is causing me to have headaches and feel nauseated. I've been sleeping, drinking ginger-ale and sucking peppermint, (I prefer to take care of things without medication first).

Thanks a bunch of bunches and I love ya'll!

smooches,
Larie

...of I don't even know what to call it

Right from my heart, no fancy words or spell check. Through my tears. I messed up. I upset you I see, but it was not my intent. I crossed a boundary that I didn’t know existed. My bad, nah, never mind, not my bad, I’m not gonna apologize for how I feel. My feelings are not so hurt that I cry because of my feelings about the “situation” but because I’ve upset you so that you don’t want to me to me anymore this morning. Never, never have we reached that road! We never even walked that way! Man, I’m having a hard time understanding this place we are at right now. I’m gonna respect that you don’t want to talk to me right now, but know that I am itching to text or call you. But anyway, I’ll just wait for the time that is designed for us to talk again because one thing I do know is that this is not the end of us and I know that is why you specified “this morning.” Now there is where I knew of a boundary existing; us never ending it because of our disagreeing. That was our only boundary, or so I thought. We’ve always been able to express ourselves to one another, disagree, and move on, but never has it been like this, man! I love you and know that you still love me. Gonna take a nap now, ya know how you feel weak from crying, well, yeah, that’s me right now I need to lie down. I just can’t believe I did this.

...of reversed ignorance?

Is it possible for someone to be so intelligent that they are very dumb? I know that may sound harsh, using the word dumb, but it’s the only word I can think of while I type right now. I don’t feel like using the thesaurus to fluff anything up right now. Frustration, hurt, anger and seeking revenge are all roaming about in my body right now. Yes, I know that vengeance belongs to the LORD, Romans 12:19, so please do not comment back with that. I am in need of something more than that right now.

Or, is it possible for someone to be so intelligent that they think everyone else is dumb? AHHHHHH, I just want to yell over and over again, along with the many other times that I’ve already voiced it, “I’M NOT STUPID!!!”

My life, I have shared with you all pretty transparently, but right now, I’m not ready to reveal what I’m allowing to make me “go off” like this at the moment. I do know that I will talk to you all about it eventually when my attitude is better, but for now, take what portion I have shared with you and talk to our Creator about His precious creation, (Larie), who feels frustrated, angry, hurt, vengeful, worn out, and defective.

Inspired by Matthew 12:34-37, from the overflow of Larie’s heart, her mouth speaks…

“hem dink me stewpid”

My thoughts, I may not articulate in a way that pleases your mental comprehension: BUT ME NOT STOOPID!

Da wurds I be speakin’ be messed up sometimes:
BUT I AIN’T STEWPID!

Just cuz you not getting what me trying to say:
DON’T MAKE ME STOOPID!

Hem said dat I don’t make no sense:
SO HOW DAT MAKE ME STEWPID?

Me just keep quiet cuz he be talkin’ like I ain’t got no clue:
BUT ME NOT STOOPID!

Is stupidity what I communicate to you?

Again, my thoughts may not be articulated into verbal context very well, (By the way, I am a writer, not a speaker!):
HOWEVER, THAT DOES NOT QUALIFY ONE FOR STUPIDITY!

Perhaps your mentality level is not compatible with one of my awesomeness:
BUT YOU DARE TO IMPLY THAT I AM STUPID IN YOUR ARROGANT TONE!

Sometimes, your explanations make no sense to me:
DO DAT MAKE YOU STEWPID?

...of When will you, Larie, learn? part 3 conclusion

...I got the bright idea that God is still teaching me about humility! Quite often, I give myself a lot of undue credit. Why is it that I think that I am the only kind person in the world? I have to be honest by confessing that the reason I was so taken aback at these strangers’ kind gestures is because I thought that these types of people did not exist any more.

A pedestal, built by & for me, displays my non-humble attitude. In my thinking, of course I would do whatever I was able to do to help someone else. However, I also thought that other people do not do good things anymore. I, shamefully, have exalted myself by only choosing to see myself and not others.

What I hope that I have learned, (I have a tendency to claim that I’ve learned my lesson, only to find that God says I haven’t, therefore, I encounter a similar situation again & questioning, “WHY, LORD, WHAT NOW?”), is that just because a person does not worship at the same building as I do, does not mean that they are not kind. I also hope to have learned that I am not the only person in this world who would do something and not expect anything back! Larie is not the only person who delights in helping other people on earth!

My friends pray that I retain these examples and not lift myself up anymore. Pray, cherished friends that I have learned.

...“For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted.” Luke 14:7-14 NIV

Part 1Part 2

...of what's been going on with me

Hey! Well, you all need an update on what’s been going on with me the last few days. It all began on Tuesday…

1. I had been arguing at Anton. He was so not moved to join the argument, in fact, he told me that it didn’t have to be this way, but I insisted that we needed to argue. Isn’t that just silly? I have a man who doesn’t want to argue, but I wasn’t impressed. If there was going to be a discussion, then there had to be, (I felt), arguing.

2. Later in the afternoon, "Third-born" and I took a trip to Wal-Mart. It was there that I had my first accident. Well, I’ve been involved in car accidents before, however, this is the first for me as the driver. No injuries, we are all well. Now, this is the “sad” part, the car that I hit, IT WAS PARKED!!! That tells you about my driving skills huh? I was attempting to pull into a parking space and I cut it too close, thereby ramming the front passenger end of my truck into the driver side of another truck. Just as I got out to write down the tag number so that I could go inside to have the owner paged, he walked up! Without getting the police involved, we exchanged contact information and he reassured me that it was not such a big deal. I WAS HORRIFIED!

3. To end that day, frustrated, I cut my hair! Yeah, just took the scissors to my mane and butchered it! I did have an appointment for a haircut coming up, however, irrationally, I decided that I couldn’t wait!

4. Wednesday, while our youngest napped, I decided to cut the grass. I got one side of the yard done before the mower started wobbling. One of the bolts had come out of a wheel. So our yard looks just like my hair…A HOT MESS!!!

5. Thursday, I didn’t know what I wanted to do. I cleaned house, wrote, gassed the truck up for our trip, got an ice cream cone from McDonalds, packed & loaded the truck, washed & braided "Third-born's" hair, watched television and who knows what else I did. Really, I was all over the place yesterday so I am sure I have forgotten something!

We’re going to Virginia until Sunday and we will be bringing our older two back with us. So the song you hear is for them!

smooches

...of why "she" stays

A husband commits adultery. A wife "finds" out. She's hurt, but, she stays.

A husband views pornography. A wife "finds" out. She's hurt, and now, she feels unloved, yet, she stays.

A husband has an affair. A wife "finds" out. She's hurt, she feels unloved, "Why am I not enough?" she wonders, however, she stays.

Adultery - pornography - affairs. It becomes a cycle; a seemingly hopeless cycle, in spite of, she stays.

A husband illustrates Godly sorrow, (2 Corinthians 7:8-11). A wife stays, but only in visible appearance.

A husband knows he is wrong and longs to do right. A wife places her hope in it's rightful place, (Psalm 147:11), and she stays.

"My lover is mine and I am his..." Song of Songs 2:16 NIV

...of, but look at her!

I have to stop setting myself up for disappointment and failure. Comparing myself to others does this. I “envy” the durable faith of others. I wonder why I have to be put back into the furnace when it seems as if “Sister Somebody” is cleaned of the dross and reflecting our Silversmith’s image. “She had a similar, I mean very similar, situation as mine, but, look at her. Check out her reactions…”

Guess what, I am just practicing, and I will continue practicing until the Coach says I’m done. Coach, (God), had to remind me that I did not see the necessary discipline that “Sister Somebody” endured. Though I may feel as if I’ve learned a lot, fact is, I’ve learned nothing pertaining to the lesson at hand.

“We urge you, brethren, admonish the unruly, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with everyone.” 1 Thessalonians 5:14 NASB

...of coming back

Heeeeeey! I'm back! We will be receiving the results from the endocrinologist sometime this week. Thanks for e-mailing and commenting to me. Thanks a bunch as well for praying; I love you too!

...of I miss y'all

Hi! I couldn't stay away. This will be quick. I had a dose of radiation today and I feel nauseated and tired. There's also the taste of metal in my mouth, but I was able to eat just a few moments ago. I do not have to go to the hospital for anything tomorrow, but on Friday, I will have one more injection and then a whole body scan.

A tumor was removed from my throat in September of 2005 that initially tested as benign. However, once it was sent to the lab, cancer cells were present so I had another surgery two weeks later to remove the entire thyroid. Six weeks later I began radiation to remove any possible thyroid tissue that may have been left behind.

I am now resuming the remaining of the radiation and annual scan that should have been taking place 6-12 months after the initial one. However, I was pregnant with our third and therefore could not continue. Now that I am done nursing "Janelle", the doctors thought it would be best to resume.

I know this is short and you all may have some questions but I really will do a "full coverage" in a later post. Right now I just wanted to check on you all and give an update. Just this small amount of time on the computer has made me a little more nauseated. Oh, Anton was able to get the week off and my mother is here with us, I am so very grateful. Thank You Father for taking care of us!

"See y'all later"

smooches,
Larie

Oh yeah, one more thing, I don't have to stay overnight, I was able to come home!!!

...of taking a break

Hello there!

May 11-12, I will be commuting to UNC Hospital for thyrogin injections in preparation for another dose of I-131, (radiation), on 13 May. I will then stay overnight in the area the 13th-15th and I will have a whole body scan on the 15th. The last time I had this done I did not feel very well so I am thinking that I will not be posting next week. However, my body may not even respond the same way this time, but just to let you all know that if I do not post at all or just sporadically, this is why.

My mother will be arriving Saturday to help us for the week. I do hope I feel well enough to at least read your posts.

...of stopping a spiritual destruction

My mother-in-law was admitted to the hospital on Saturday and released today. While she was in the hospital, my brother-in-law stayed here with us. You would think that I'd be humbly-honored to be of service at this difficult time for her. Come now, if I was, would I be blogging about this right now? NO!

I am so rotten! My nose has been pointed towards the sky with an, "I knew it" bounce. All these years that she has been nasty to me and treated me as if I was just some "chick" that her favorite son was seeing up until we had our first child, then I became Anton's "baby mama," once again it has come back to haunt her. She needs me. She is helplessly attached to a hospital bed and at the mercy of the staff. But I know that doesn't bother her, what I hope is eating away at her is the fact that she is now at my mercy because I have to care for her son. HA, SHE NEEDS ME NOW! I got one over on her now!

Oh yeah, her baby boy may very be staying at her son's home right now, but don't get it twisted, it's me who he is staying with. I'm the one home all day, not her son. ME, yeah me, the one who, "took her son away from her," and who will never be good enough for him, (in her opinion), is needed. I bet I'm good enough now!

I know these are evil thoughts stored up in my heart. I am here to confess to you, my Sisters, my friends. I do not want this to be the overflow of my heart, (Luke 6:43-45). My heart must not speak these things. Pray for me, continually, (1 Thessalonians 5:17). Pray for the overflow of my heart y'all. Counsel me, encourage me, rebuke me please!

...of finding the source

"I am proud of you for recognizing that. I too have that problem when I get around my family. I revert back to that old person who should have been dead. I think being overseas and away from them we get complacent. It is easy for us to be "Christ like" when we around those who are Christ's. I think that is why I want to stay overseas. I know Christ is in you and this is one of those "trials" you will overcome."My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives you all literally and without reproach and it will be given to him. James 1:2-5...I love you my sister and I will praying."

Maisha left the above comment on the "ex-lax" post. I have thought that maybe that's what my "problem" is, being geographically closer to my earthly family now. Busy has a new meaning, I can't really define it-but it's not what I thought it was, since we've moved back stateside. I've tried to attend every family event and be available each time I am called on, (that's another post-maybe tomorrow).

I AM TIRED! While in Japan, I was not as tired, stressed, depressed, (my Zoloft dose has been increased since being back), unorganized, behind, cranky, uncertain and just so confused! However, I don't think that I can blame any of this on our relocation...can I?

"Remove the dross from the silver, and out comes material for the silversmith; remove the wicked from the king's presence, and his throne will be established through righteousness." Proverbs 25:4-5 NIV